Andy's Poem Planet

Yoo-hoo!

2011-10-19T22:02:00.001-05:00

Yoo-hoo!

Come to the zoo!

See all the chimps and the elephants too!

Hey there!

Come to the fair!

Bring the fried pies on the rides if you dare!

Hi ho!

Come to the show!

Gaze at the stage from the very front row!

Whoa now!

No way, no how!

Not going out 'til your pants are on. Wow.

Alligator Gladiator

2011-10-19T11:50:00.001-05:00

Frogs and fishies everywhere,

From waters far and near.

Welcome to the Aquadome!

The Battle of the Year!

In this stream swims the challenger,

The aptly named Doc Croc.

He'll send you home in stitches

If you tumble off the dock.

And in this stream, the champion--

Give cheers for Captain Caiman!

He claws, he yanks, he's climbed the ranks

Of maulin' and of maimin'!

Get ready for the main event!

A brawl to rock the shores!

A mighty Reptile Rumble

With these Angry Archosaurs!

Oh wait--it seems our challenger

Has chomped the leading judge.

She scored him low the last time,

And it seems he held a grudge.

I guess we'll have to put it off

And have the battle later.

But check that smilin' crocodile--

He sure looks glad 'e ate 'er!

A Poem for Kermit

2011-07-20T17:02:00.005-05:00

Last week Joyce and I got to attend a very special event where we saw--live, in person--the one and only Kermit the Frog! After the show, I sent a poem backstage for him. I hope he liked it!

You can read all about it here:

http://themuppetmindset.blogspot.com/2011/07/evening-with-steve-whitmire-and-kermit.html

A Poem for Kermit

Oh froggie! My froggie! Best friend through the years!
With eyes so ping-pongy and white!
The greatest amphibian, top of your peers!
A flippy green froggy delight!

Backstage at the show, or at home in the bog—
Your "pad," or whatever you term it—
There's no cat as cool as this fine famous frog:
The one irreplaceable Kermit!

Although you have flippers, you're unflappable—
Though sometimes you break down and holler.
Your sweet, even temper becomes snappable
When Piggy gets under your collar!

Yet still, you're as sweet as a lime jelly bean!
You're wise, introspective, yet breezy.
I don't know how tough it might be, bein' green,
But Kermit sure makes it look easy!

Fuzzy Wuzzy

2011-06-05T18:32:00.000-05:00

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear,

Until they made him shave.

Turns out, with no facial hair,

He’s just some guy named Dave.

Stinky Winky was a skunk,

Until they made him shower.

With no foul and fetid funk,

He lost his special power.

Shockey Wockey was an eel,

His spark for life abounded.

’Til they made him power down—

And now he’s grim and grounded.

So go be fuzzy, go be stinky

Go be shocking, too!

Go be loud and kooky-crazy!

Go on and be YOU!

The Summit

2011-06-05T18:31:00.000-05:00

Here at the summit it’s frosty and clear—

I am on top of it all!

This is the life for a true mountaineer,

Perched thirty thousand feet tall!

Look at the landscape—it’s tiny below!

Worries are lost in the breeze.

Each tiny moment goes by super slow,

Here up above the tall trees.

Nothing to bother me, nothing annoys,

My isolation’s complete.

Just a few frisbees and footballs and toys

Gathered around by my feet.

Off in the distance I hear a voice call,

“Inside!” it says, then starts countin’.

Oh climbing the roof was no trouble at all,

But it just might be tricky dis-mountain!

They Said

2011-05-28T17:48:00.001-05:00

They said I was an airhead, that I was a bit insane.

I’d like to think, instead, I have a pinwheel for a brain.

And when the whistling wind seeks out my ears beneath my curls,

My brain spins all its colors as it swirls and twirls and squirrels.

They said I was bananas, that I was a little nutty.

I said, “Well, that’s a recipe for perfect muffins, buddy!

And while we’re in the kitchen, while we wait for them to bake,

You’ll see I’m sly as pumpkin pie, as cracked as crazy-cake!”

They said my mind’s in orbit, that I’m such a space cadet.

And in reply I tried to fly, then sighed and said “Not yet…”

But someday I will dance on stars and then, for what it’s worth,

I’ll send a postcard back from Mars to little them on Earth.

They said I’m strange, they said I’m odd, a windmill-tilting knight.

They said I’m weird and so bizarre—I’m proud to say they’re right!

Dear Diary

2011-05-28T17:46:00.000-05:00

Dear Diary, I met this boy.

He's cute as cute can be.

I really really like him,

And I think he's into me!

He's got the most amazing eyes!

They're huge, and how they glitter!

The way he won't stop staring

Sets my heartbeat all a-twitter!

He's captain of the swim team—

Or he could be, if he tried.

His flippy feet propel him

With a gentle, graceful glide.

He's serious, not like those boys

Who always crack a joke.

He rarely says a thing at all,

Just sighs a little "croak."

His skin is sleek and shiny—

It's the smoothest that I've seen.

And such a pretty color, too!

A lovely shade of green!

Oh someday I will make him mine!

My love he can't resist!

(I hope this turns out better than

Those other frogs I kissed!)

Listen

2011-05-21T17:25:00.000-05:00

It's quiet in the woods tonight,

A stillness chills the air.

The wind is hushed, the moon is bright,

There's silence everywhere.

No rustling leaves, no chirping birds,

No quacking of the ducks.

No "Howl," no "Who," no other words,

No squirrelly little clucks.

But if you just keep listening,

And if you're really quiet,

You'll hear the starlight glistening.

So go ahead, and try it.

Just turn your ears up to the sky

And breathe a little slower.

It starts like chimes from up on high,

Then sighs, and spreads out lower.

And pretty soon the world around

Is strumming like guitars.

The trees, the roots, the air, the ground

Are humming with the stars.

So let your worries all disperse,

And join them for a while.

Just listen to the universe,

And close your eyes, and smile.

Teacher's Round

2011-05-21T17:24:00.002-05:00

Rows, rows, fix those rows!

Straighten out your chairs!

Quietly, quietly, quietly, quietly!

There's a class downstairs!

Quiz, quiz, take your quiz!

Books beneath your seat!

Keep your eyes in front of you!

Only cheaters cheat!

Hands, hands, raise your hands!

Always wait your turn!

Listen when I talk to you!

Don't you want to learn?

Grades, grades, check your grades!

Last day of the year!

Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily!

Summertime is here!

I Looked

2011-05-14T22:14:00.001-05:00

I looked on the shelves and I looked on the floor.

I looked in the place where I had it before.

I looked in the crannies, I looked in each nook.

I looked in the back of a scratch-and-sniff book.

I looked in the car, in the house, in the park.

I looked where the demon trees glow in the dark.

I looked on the moon and I looked in the stars,

I looked in a field of electric guitars.

I looked in some places I oughtn’t to mention,

I looked in a fish from another dimension.

And then, once again, though I’d looked there already,

I looked on the Mountain of Mango Spaghetti.

I looked and I looked and I looked and I looked!

I looked ’til the universe almost unhooked!

I might look forever! It’s so hard to find!

How careless of me to keep losing my mind!

Can I Keep Him?

2011-05-14T22:11:00.001-05:00

Oh please can I keep him?

He followed me home!

I’ll wash him, I’ll feed him,

I won’t let him roam!

I’ll make him a bed,

And I’ll clean out his bowl.

Oh please, let me keep him—

My baby Black Hole!

He won’t make a problem,

He won’t make a mess,

He won’t cause more clutter—

In fact, he’ll cause less!

Whatever you feed him,

He’ll never get full—

He’s got such a strong

Irresistible pull!

He won’t share your secrets,

However surprisin’—

They won’t travel on from

His event horizon.

He’ll keep me from sunburns!

He’ll eat every ray!

You’ll save on my sunscreen!

Oh please, can he stay?

You’ll try to resist him

To not let me win,

But look at this cutie—

He just draws you in!

My baby Black Hole

Gives me such satisfaction.

Just step a bit closer—

You’ll feel the attraction!

Errand Errors

2011-05-07T19:13:00.000-05:00

I ordered an extra-large smoothie—

That’s not what I ought to have said!

The barber just smiled, let his clippers go wild,

And shaved all the hair off my head!

I went to the juice shop much later.

I said, “Just a bit off the top.”

The juice guy, alas, drank from everyone’s glass,

And no one could get him to stop!

The next place I went was no better—

I said, “Do a balance check, please.”

It took no repeating—the baker stopped kneading

And knocked me right down to my knees!

“Put some dough in a bag,” at the next place.

I swear that I didn’t mean harm!

I just wanted bread—that’s the next thing I said!

But the bank teller hit the alarm!

And that is what happened, your honor!

It’s just like I told the reporter!

I’ve learned a big lesson—the next time, I’m guessin’

I’ll run all my errands in order!

Fancy Pants

2011-05-07T19:11:00.000-05:00

I'm putting on my fancy pants—

They’re special as can be!

Oh no one else has pants that are

Quite like the ones on me!

My fancy pants are purple,

My fancy pants have stripes.

My pants have lots more buttons

Than the plain non-fancy types.

The buttons go right down the front.

I counted them—there’s eight!

They button in a row, and so

The closing part stays straight.

The pocket flaps are upside-down—

They’re just for decoration.

But still, I love my fancy pants!

A fashion celebration!

I’m just a bit confused, though,

By the big hole for my bottom.

It seems to have a collar, too.

I wonder why it’s got ’em?

I’ll go and ask my friend next door—

I guess it couldn’t hurt.

I just adore my fancy pants!

Has someone seen my shirt?

Riddle

2011-05-01T20:25:00.000-05:00

What has a mouth, but cannot speak?

What has four wheels and flies?

What has a dish, but never eats?

A bed, but never lies?

What walks upon all fours at night

But walks on five at noon?

What sparkles in the summer sun

And shimmers ’neath the moon?

What’s old today but young tomorrow?

What’s both clean and dirty?

What is lighter than the breeze,

But solid, strong, and sturdy?

What smells a lot but has no nose?

What’s eyeless, but can see?

What’s conquering your planet now?

You guessed them all—it’s me!

Enough

2011-05-01T20:23:00.001-05:00

Billy’s sideburns were too long,

So he got the trimmers.

Now his head is shiny-smooth!

It glows and glints and glimmers!

Susie’s salad was too bland,

So she got some dressing.

Now’s she’s got a bowl of soup—

It’s really quite depressing!

Katie’s guppy was too small,

So she overfed it.

Now she’s got a mega-shark!

Would someone care to pet it?

Joey’s music was too quiet,

So he turned it louder.

Now his walls are shaking,

And they’re crumbling into powder!

Andy’s poem was too long,

It bothered all his friends.

So he just stopped writing it,

And now it never

Smell-o-Vision™

2011-04-23T15:19:00.002-05:00

My brand new television set

Is quite a revelation.

It’s got built-in Surround Smell™!

Every day’s a smellebration!

The cooking shows are fabulous—

Aromas waft with ease.

The sizzling scent of tacos

With a whiff of nacho cheese!

The travel network’s beaches smell

Just like a tropic ocean—

They’re salty, fresh, and fishy

With a touch of suntan lotion.

The game shows smell like hair gel,

And the talk shows smell like coffee.

That show with running lifeguards smells

A little Hasselhoffy.

Just sniff the science fiction shows—

They smell like outer space!

If you hook up your web cam,

Why, it smells just like your face!

I learned my lesson yesterday—

Steer clear of channel seven!

The Rotting Garbage Network

Stunk my house to highest heaven!

And don’t watch sports unless you like

The smell of dirt and sweat.

I haven’t dared to channel surf

The Wildlife Channel . . . yet.

But mostly I’ve been pleased as punch.

No TV could be greater!

So clear your nose and watch with me.

You’re busy? Smell ya later!

Lecture

2011-04-23T15:19:00.001-05:00

Clean your room up! Don’t be rude!

Don’t give me that attitude!

No more hitting! Sit up straight!

Don’t move ’til you’ve cleaned your plate!

Do your homework! Do your chores!

Don’t you dare to slam the doors!

Keep the noise down! Stop that wailing!

No more pointless tattle-taling!

Listen when I talk to you!

And don’t tell people what to do!

My Dog's Mind

2011-04-09T17:16:00.000-05:00

Someone rang the doorbell!

A squirrel is at the park!

I think I smell some hair gel!

I guess I’ll have to BARK!

A dog is on the TV!

The yard is way too dark!

A kitty looked right at me!

Looks like I’ve got to BARK!

The sky’s a bit too starry!

The light bulb made a spark!

Well, better safe than sorry—

Here comes another BARK!

Some carolers are singing!

The herald angels! Hark!

Well, here is what I’m bringing—

Glad tidings with a BARK!

My barks are loud and leaping,

In fair times or in fowl.

But now that you are sleeping,

I think it’s time to HOOWWWWL!

Fill in the Blank!

2011-04-09T17:12:00.001-05:00

Oh once there was (fill in the blank)

Who came from outer space.

He (blanked) on a banana peel

And fell down on his (blank).

The other (blanks) all tried to help—

They gathered all around.

They chanted, “Buddy! (Blank) back up!

Don’t lie there on the (blank)!

The (blank) felt so encouraged

That he got back up again.

He (blanked) his spaceship up above

The little greenish (blank).

He (blanked) a message down to them—

Each one, he hoped to thank.

But sadly, no more words came out—

He simply drew a (blank).

A Pun-ishing Picnic

2011-04-03T15:42:00.000-05:00

I went down to the beach today

To run and swim and build and play,

But mostly what I went there for

Was just to picnic by the shore.

My friend said she would meet me there,

And lots of snackins we would share.

But somehow she forgot the food!

Her mental note had come unglued!

“Dear friend,” said I, “do not despair!”

I flopped down on the sand right there.

I waved my arms and legs just so,

Like making angels in the snow.

I rose to see what I had done,

Then fell to make another one.

I drew each friend a pointy hat,

And no, I did not stop at that!

I drew for each a broom to ride,

Then drew a tuba by her side.

And then I rubbed the tuba out

And drew each witch a frowny pout.

“My friend,” said I, “my work is done!

Our picnic time has just begun!

Although we have no chips or cheese,

No melon balls or lemon-freeze,

No burgers, shakes, or curly fries,

No cookies, cakes, or whoopee pies,

It seems we still have all we need

We’ll have our picnic, yes indeed!

We’ll sit down where the sand itches

With tuba-lonely sand-witches!”

April Fool!

2011-03-31T20:24:00.000-05:00

I’m planning out the perfect pranks

To play for April Fools!

The only day I get away

With breaking all the rules!

I’ve gift-wrapped every piece of fruit.

I’ve shorted every sheet.

I’ve done some things I shouldn’t mention

To the toilet seat.

I’ve hidden grandpa’s dentures

In my brother’s underwear.

My frog’s in Dad’s new briefcase,

I put sour cream . . . somewhere.

I pulled out the elastic from

My grandma’s favorite girdle.

I hope Mom likes her Lemon-milk—

It’s just begun to curdle!

And, just because it’s April Fools,

I crammed the riding mower

With all my week-old bubble-gum—

A garden bubble blower!

I never get in trouble!

It’s my favorite day each year!

What? April Fools was yesterday?!

I’m getting out of here!

Four Leaf Clover

2011-03-18T22:14:00.000-05:00

I have a four leaf clover!
I found it in my yard.
I looked straight down, and there it was!
(I didn't look too hard).

I must be really lucky!
They say they're hard to find.
Of all the clovers, four-leafs are
The hard-to-findest kind!

A perfect four leaf clover,
Just sitting on the soil.
So small and green and rarely seen,
Wrapped up in shiny foil!

And when I pull the foil back,
It's chocolatey inside!
My lucky clover makes my day
Four times more yummified!

My luck is really something!
A magic trait, it's true.
Let's hope that if I find some gold,
There's candy in that too!

Pageant

2011-03-18T22:12:00.001-05:00

Rusty's Steakhouse! Come on down!
Try the finest steak in town!
While you're eating, don't you budge!
You can be a pageant judge!
Once a year we take a break
And crown our very own Miss Steak!
She must be tender, never tough.
Slightly plump is lean enough.
Interviews are never wasteful--
Juicy questions, yes, but tasteful.
Sure, we grill them to a T,
But character's a must, you see!
Okay if she's slightly saucy,
Just so long as she's not bossy.
When we're done, we crown the winner.
Then you finish off your dinner.
Some will protest that we treat
All these girls like hunks of meat.
We still feel we're playing fair--
These complaints are extra-rare.
After all, it's all good fun,
And the whole thing's so well-done!
So come to Rusty's, by the lake,
Where pageants are a big Miss Steak.

The Great Gusto!

2011-03-14T16:10:00.001-05:00

See the Great Gusto!

Come to the show!

Feats to amaze you

And make you say “Whoa!”

She how he swooshes

His long flowing cloak!

Watch as his sleeves produce

Gallons of smoke!

Oh how his wand waves!

It swishes and flicks

As the Great Gusto

Attempts all his tricks!

He squinches his eyebrows!

His fingers, he twitches!

He mutters a language

Known only to witches!

His eyes lose their focus!

He trembles and quakes!

His legs start to jitter!

His everything shakes!

He calls on the spirits

To come to the stage!

He throws his black cloak

On a bird in a cage,

Then—ALAKAZAM!

There’s a spark and a flash,

But all that has vanished

Is some of your cash.

The tickets are pricey,

They’ll never refund you,

But still, the Great Gusto

Has secretly stunned you!

He can’t disappear you,

He can’t find your card,

But wow! That Great Gusto—

He sure does try hard!

Singing Day!

2011-03-14T16:07:00.002-05:00

It’s Singing Day! Hooray! Hooray!

It comes just once a year.

That holiday when things you say

Sound better to your ear!

When every thought inside your brain

Becomes a singing session.

When normal folks become insane

With musical expression!

Sing up! Sing out! Sing low! Sing high!

Sing everything you’re doing!

Sing to the birdies in the sky!

Sing to the cow that’s mooing!

Sing songs to all your friends and foes,

Sing to some strangers, too.

Sing to your teensy little toes!

Pretend they sing to you!

If you run out of songs to sing,

Just open up your ears.

The wind, the trees, most everything

Has songs to sing for years!

They’re singing up and down the street—

Go on and take a chance!

But don’t forget to rest your feet—

Next week’s the Day of Dance!

Orange You Glad I Wrote This Poem?

2011-02-27T19:39:00.000-06:00

I once was green with envy

When I heard my friend’s good news.

I’ve been so red with anger,

And I’ve even had the blues!

I’ve written lots of purple prose,

And I’ve been tickled pink.

My rainbow rhymes and metaphors

Are good as gold, I think.

When scared, I’m white as any sheet,

And then I feel so yellow!

But never mind—you’ll never find

A colorfuller fellow!

Cram Session

2011-02-27T19:38:00.000-06:00

New York cheesecake, Philly cheese steak,

Texas barbecue.

Georgia peach pie, then a French fry,

Spanish omelet, too!

Belgian waffle—far from awful!

Irish soda bread.

Chew Brazil nuts with my mouth shut,

Or Dutch treats instead.

Canadian bacon, then—no fakin!—

German chocolate cake!

As for me, geography

Is one big tummy ache!

There's Gum!

2011-02-20T13:58:00.000-06:00

There’s gum beneath the table!

There’s gum beneath my shoe!

There’s gum beneath Aunt Mabel!

Oh, what am I to do?

There’s gum inside my pocket!

Oh, how’d it get in there?

There’s gum in Grandma’s locket!

And some in Grandpa’s hair!

There’s gum behind the kitty,

And in his litter box!

And in my model city,

The gum goes on for blocks!

I wish that I could rest my face—

My cheeks are going numb!

I need to find an empty place

To stick this piece of gum!

Doggie Pants

2011-02-20T13:57:00.001-06:00

A pack of little schnauzers

Wearing matching little trousers

Was a-barking and a-walking down the street.

Each doggie in his pants

Did a funny little dance

As he flipped and flopped his fuzzy little feet.

And the people clapped and cheered

As each schnauzer with his beard

Danced around like such a jolly little elf.

Oh, and while they were distracted,

Can you guess just what the cat did?

Well, he knocked down all the vases on the shelf!

And the vases smashed and shattered,

And the pieces crashed and clattered,

And the cat took off—he knew that he’d been bad!

Then the trouser-schnauzer pack

Ran around and circled back,

And they barked and barked ’til everyone went mad!

This story has no lesson,

If you look for one, I’m guessin’

That you’ll try and try until, at last, you fail.

But I hope you still enjoyed it,

’Cause I just could not avoid it!

Oh, it seemed like such a funny little tail!

Bee Mine

2011-02-13T16:06:00.001-06:00

It’s almost time for Valentine!

I really hope that you’ll bee mine!

You make my heart float up on wings.

To bee without you really stings.

With you, my life is striped and fuzzy!

Bee my date, if you’re not buzzy.

What? You say you just don’t care

For bee-based wordplay everywhere?

Well, I don’t have to bee so punny . . .

Please just say you’ll bee my honey!

I’ll leave puns upon the shelf.

I promise to beehive myself!

No, wait! Don’t leave! My puns are done!

I’ve used each bee-related one!

I know that they were pretty bad,

So come have dinner at my pad!

I’m ribbeted when you are near!

I’m toad-ally in love, my dear!

Oh Valentine, my love’s no joke!

Without your love, I just might croak!

Gift Hunt

2011-02-13T16:04:00.001-06:00

I’m trying to solve the mystery

Of what my parents got for me.

My birthday’s coming up next week—

I’ve GOT to have a present-peek!

I wait until they’re in the kitchen,

Shush my sister—no fair snitchin’—

Sneak as slowly as a snail,

And try to track the present-trail.

I find some wrapping paper scraps

Beside the chair where Grandpa naps.

The words, spelled out in bursts of blue,

Say “appy Birthda”—what a clue!

And soon I find a piece of tape

That leads me back behind the drape.

But sadly, I find nothing there.

Just ribbon—curling, not for hair.

The present must have been here once,

But I can’t find it—what a dunce!

The trail cuts off behind the curtain.

What’s my gift? I can’t be certain!

I’ll just have to wait for it.

I hope it’s a Detective Kit!

Showtime!

2011-02-06T11:00:00.001-06:00

Got my yellow feathers on,

Practicing my walk.

Clearing out my throat again

To make the perfect squawk.

Still a little jittery,

Right behind the curtain.

Checking that my beak-flap moves,

Gotta be so certain!

Only one more scene to go

Until my big debut.

Whether I will sink or soar,

I still don’t have a clue!

Soon I’ll float above the stage,

Just flapping on my strings.

It’s so hard to be patient

When you’re waiting in the wings!

Face-off

2011-02-06T10:58:00.000-06:00

I left my house without my face!

Oh what am I to do?

Oh darn! Oh drat! Oh deep disgrace!

I know I’m me, but who?

I feel like I am in disguise.

There’s no one in the mirror!

No cheeks! No nose! No mouth! No eyes!

I wish I could be clearer!

I never got to thank my face

For what it’s meant to me,

And now I’ve got a blank in place

Of my identity!

Does someone have a marker?

Or a crayon? Or a pen?

I’ll paint my face in darker

So it won’t come off again!

Pencilvania

2011-01-30T20:04:00.000-06:00

Come on down to Pencilvania!

See the Fighting Pencils!

Watch them play their rival team,

The Stencilvania Stencils!

Watch our guys in yellow

As they suit on up and head out.

Up and down the field they run,

Just tryin’ to get the lead out.

First the Lineman runs the line,

He’s followed by the Tracer.

One wrong move’s a penalty

That brings in the Eraser.

If it starts to rain a bit,

They roll on out the tarp.

They keep on playing anyway—

That’s how they stay so sharp!

So make a point of visiting!

We’ll mark your place for you.

And learn the Fighting Pencils’ cheer:

“We’re Always Number 2!”

Giraffe Feeding

2011-01-30T20:02:00.001-06:00

I fed a giraffe at the zoo today.

He must have enjoyed what he ate!

He followed me back to my house right away,

Then sat at the table to wait.

I got him a napkin, a placemat, a plate,

A cushion for under his rear,

I cleared out some space so his neck could stay straight,

And took down our big chandelier.

And then I kicked all of my skills into gear,

And made stacks of pancakes so high

That a regular person could eat for a year

And the stack still might stretch to the sky!

The giraffe licked his lips, gave a grin oh-so-sly,

Then he opened his mouth in delight.

Not a moment or three had the chance to go by,

And the pancakes were gone in one bite!

The giraffe gave a burp of magnificent might,

Then he banged on the table for more.

I made them, he ate them—we did this all night!

I wish I could show him the door!

So now here I am at the grocery store

To buy maple syrup—oh heck!

Who knew giraffe feeding would be such a chore!

It’s really becoming a wreck!

Next time at the zoo, I had best double-check

Before I go feeding some mammal.

’Cause feeding giraffes is a pain in the neck!

I’m better off riding the camel!

I Wished

2011-01-23T13:30:00.001-06:00

I wished on an eyelash that fell from my face.

I wished on each planet that floats out in space.

I wished on my candles, I wished on my cake.

I wished on a chicken pot pie, (by mistake).

I wished on the starlight that flickers from heaven.

I wished when the clock said eleven-eleven.

I wished on a fluffy that flew through the air.

I wished on a sparkly I found in my hair.

And one time I wished on some candy I found

Right next to a penny face-up on the ground.

Oh someday my wishes are bound to come true!

I’m fully prepared for the day when they do.

I’ve cleared out a space near my bed in my room

For Rampaging Rexy, my Dino of Doom!

Banana Burger Drive-Thru

2011-01-23T13:28:00.001-06:00

Welcome to Banana Burger™,

Can I take your order?

You can try our Nanner-Fries™

For two bucks and a quarter.

Burgers are all made-to-order,

Picked fresh from the tree.

Oven-ripened, sliced just right,

And golden as can be.

Fifty-cents to mega-size

Your Chicken-Nanner-Strips™.

Value meals are served with choice

Of seven Nanner-Dips™.

If your family’s driving with you,

Treat them all to lunch—

Try our Big-Banana-Burger-

Belly-Buster-Bunch!

Seventeen Banana Burgers™

Topped with every trimming

In a peanut-butter bucket

Filled to over-brimming!

When you reach the pickup window,

Both hands on the wheel!

The parking lot is slippery—

It’s always got appeal!

Enjoy your food and come back soon!

We’re near Peach Pizza Pit™.

Just try Banana Burger™ once—

You’ll never want to split!

Just Peachy

2011-01-15T22:02:00.000-06:00

I put a peach upon a shelf.

I left it there all by itself.

Just one round fuzzy little peach

Upon a shelf, way out of reach.

And pretty soon, within a week,

The shelf began to smell and leak.

It dripped down stinky greenish goop

Like moldy guacamole soup.

And mom got mad! She stomped and yelled

Because the whole darn household smelled.

We couldn't sleep, it stank so bad!

I blame it all on Mom and Dad.

For this is what their wisdom brings—

They're always saying "Try new things!"

Story Cellar

2011-01-15T22:00:00.000-06:00

Come down to the Story Cellar!

Get them all right here!

Shelves of tales for every feller,

Bringing joy and cheer!

Get Three Pigs for just a dollar!

Half-price Robin Hood!

Scary tales to make you holler

Loud and strong and good!

Come on in and start your spending!

Have a story spree!

You can even write the ending

For no extra fee!

All our books are missing pages,

Mostly at the end.

You decide the final stages!

Flex your mind, my friend!

Want the wolf to marry granny?

Want the witch to win?

Want to ditch the magic nanny

In the rubbish bin?

Go ahead, the tale is yours!

Ride home on your bike,

Shut the windows, bolt the doors,

And write it how you like!

Throw in extra underpants!

Make it all a dream!

End it with a chicken dance

In vats of chocolate cream!

Half-off stories are more fun—

There's so much more to do!

Your story's only just begun,

The rest is up to you!

Camping Gear

2011-01-09T22:20:00.001-06:00

Getting out my camping gear,

Looking for my tent.

Gotta find my fishing rod,

One that isn’t bent.

Got my thermal underwear,

Got my blanket roll.

Found my iron skillet

And my campfire cookin’ bowl.

Here’s my mega-flashlight

That vanquishes the dark.

Here’s my book on how to cook up

Acorns, roots, and bark.

Found it all so quickly!

Can’t believe my luck!

Pick up every bit of it,

Toss it in my truck.

Holding my receipt in hand,

Driving to the mall.

Man, do I hate camping gear!

Must return it all!

Fair

2011-01-09T22:19:00.000-06:00

The shoe is on the other foot!

The tables all have turned!

What goes around has come around!

The lesson has been learned!

What once was good for ganders only

Now is good for geese!

And turnabout is still fair play—

Will wonders never cease?

The others will do unto you

If you give them the chance.

So give my back my ice cream cone,

And I’ll return your pants!

Checking It Twice

2011-01-02T13:37:00.000-06:00

I’m checking off my Christmas list

To see what Santa brought.

Did he think I was nice this year,

Or was I really naught?

I see he brought my bowling ball,

My anvil made of lead,

And all those bricks and stones and sticks

To stuff in Joey’s bed.

He also brought my science kit

For making clouds of stink.

(Sometimes it’s nice to get a gift

That really makes you think.)

Let’s not forget my stocking,

Filled with every kind of treat.

They’re for my friends—some taste like garbage,

Others taste like feet.

And there’s my vat of applesauce,

My boxing kangaroo,

My seven bags of feathers,

And my tub of crazy-glue.

I got most nearly everything!

Each whim and each desire!

My only wish that Santa missed?

A goat who belches fire!

I’m glad that my good deeds this year

Reached Santa at the Pole.

But with the year that I’ve got planned,

He’d better make some coal.

Happy New Year!

2011-01-02T13:36:00.000-06:00

Brand new minute!

Brand new day!

Brand new year!

Hip Hip Hooray!

New adventures!

Brand new friends!

Brand new roads with

Brand new bends!

Brand new jokes

And new hugs, too!

Grand new times

For me and you!

New horizons

To explore . . .

Same old laundry

On the floor.

Office Christmas Party

2010-12-20T06:34:00.002-06:00

It’s winter in the Haunted Forest,

Snow falls from the sky,

But ghosts are nowhere to be seen,

And not one ghoul floats by.

Two witches streak by on their brooms—

They’re just a little tardy,

And creatures hate to be late to

The office Christmas party!

The zombies from Accounting

Throw this party every year.

And all the Haunted Forest workers

Come to spread good cheer.

It’s always such a jolly time

Back in the darkest woods.

The snack-elves host it in their tree

With freshly made baked goods.

There’s lots of food for goblin’,

And the creature from the bog

Brings spinach dip with fetid cheese

And chunky-style egg nog.

If you prefer a different drink,

There’s always several sprites out.

They’ll fix and mix the pixie way

If you can get the lights out!

The minotaurs hang angels on

Their sharp and pointy horns.

The werewolves howl with laughter

As their cubs ride unicorns.

The vampires skip the meatballs—

All that garlic hurts their tummies.

The ogre children run around

And bother all their mummies.

It’s strictly a black-tie affair,

With most folks wearing tails.

The highlight is the sing-along—

The banshees raise their wails!

The screech out “We Three Creepers,”

And their favorite, “Silent Fright.”

The poltergeists moan all twelve verses

Of “Oh Howly Night.”

Then “I’ll be Gnome for Christmas”

Echoes out from down below,

And “Troll: The Ancient Yuletide Carol”

Closes out the show.

They all head home to sleep it off,

But just before they do,

They wish each other “Scary Christmas,”

“Happy New Fear,” too!

So join the office Christmas party!

Nobody will mind!

Oh even zombies, trolls, and mummies

Sometimes must unwind!

Do You Hear What I Hear?

2010-12-19T17:34:00.001-06:00

String of Popcorn

2010-12-19T13:06:00.000-06:00

I'm popping popcorn for the tree.

White popcorn on a string.

I'll wrap it 'round like ribbons

For the joy that it will bring.

I bring the kernels to the stove,

I put them in a pot.

I pour the oil all over them

And get them piping hot!

The kernels are so huge and round,

I can't believe my eyes!

They'd surely make a snack

Of unimaginable size!

But this corn is for Christmas trees,

To string like speckled snow.

I swirl the pot around again,

And 'round and 'round they go!

How lucky that I found this corn,

So giant, round, and white!

I'm glad I spied it in Mom's dresser

Hidden out of sight!

How nice of her to think of me

And get the popcorn ready.

'Cause when I found the kernels,

They were on the string already!

Oh won't my mom be happy when

She sees my new creation?

A shining string of perfect corn!

A Christmas celebration!

When they start popping—boy oh boy!

My fun will be complete!

They're taking such a long long time—

I guess I'll raise the heat!

The Sheriff

2010-12-19T13:04:00.001-06:00

The sheriff rode to town one day

To make the bad guys go away.

He sat up tall upon his horse,

A-jangle-ing his spurs, of course,

And tapped the holster by his side,

Then scowled at rascals far and wide.

But none of his bravado worked!

The scoundrels scoffed and smugly smirked!

Those no-good low-down two-bit varmints

Mocked the poor old sheriff's garments!

Though he should have known much better,

There it was—his Christmas sweater!

Reindeer, snowflakes, jolly elves,

Snowmen dancing by themselves,

Candy canes and bells that jingle,

Big fat jolly old Kris Kringle!

Even all the tough outlaws

Couldn't hide their great guffaws.

Poor old sheriff! No respect!

Years of reputation—wrecked!

You just can't tame the wild wild west

While wearing such a vile vile vest!

Christopher Columb-ant

2010-12-12T21:41:00.000-06:00

Climbing up the picnic table

Just as high as he is able,

Christopher Columb-ant’s here,

Seeking out the new frontier!

Other ants may mount a mission,

Try to plan an expedition,

Marshall mountains of supplies,

Sign peace treaties with the flies,

But to boldly forge ahead,

Risk it all for cheese and bread,

Only Chris Columb-ant dares,

Catching lunchers unawares!

On the promise of a dream,

Up he climbs the table beam,

Positive the new world waits—

Treasures piled on paper plates!

What he finds, this sparkling nation,

Far exceeds imagination!

Land of plenty! Land of gain!

Land of amber crumbs of grain!

Carrot sticks like redwood trees!

Boulders hewn from solid cheese!

Cookies piled like mighty mountains!

Freely flowing fruit juice fountains!

Canyons carved in crunchy crackers,

Left unguarded by the snackers!

Grapes and chips and sweetened tea

Far as compound eyes can see!

Chris Columb-ant heaves a sigh,

Wipes a teardrop from his eye,

Then signals back to the horizon—

Time to start the colonizin’!

Skating

2010-12-12T21:40:00.000-06:00

Skating is fun!

Skating is nice!

Strap on your skates

And do tricks on the ice!

Skating is lovely!

Skating is sweet!

Glide like an angel

With wings on your feet!

Out on the lake,

Or right here in the yard,

Skating’s so wonder—SPLAT!

. . . Skating is hard!

Shopping Day

2010-12-04T17:57:00.001-06:00

Need to go shopping.

Need to refill.

Tried to go yesterday.

Haven’t gone still!

Out of my cereal.

Out of my chips.

Out of my cookies

And crackers and dips.

Out of bananas,

And fresh out of bread.

Just eating olives

And paper instead.

Out of my melon,

Just got the rind.

Out of spaghetti sauce.

Out of my mind!

Wish I could go,

But I’ve sealed my own doom.

Out of deodorant—

Can’t leave my room!

RIBBIT!

2010-12-04T17:53:00.001-06:00

Down in the bog,

Where the water moves slow,

They tell of a frog

With a voice extra low.

From his looks you would think

That he’d make a small beep,

But he’d give you a wink,

Then he’d croak long and deep.

And the ground, it would rumble!

The trees, they would shake!

Your cookie would crumble,

And so would your cake!

And although he was small

As a grasshopper’s thumb,

His croak was the call

For the raindrops to come.

So tiny and stealthy,

This one little froggy

Kept all the bog healthy

And squishy and soggy!

It just goes to show you

That if you are small,

With no one below you,

The smallest of all,

You really do matter—

It’s really your choice!

So make the world gladder,

And raise up your voice!

Pizza Pirates!

2010-11-27T20:20:00.003-06:00

Avast, all me hearties, prepare to set sail!

Yer belly will thank ye without any fail!

The hungriest ship on the seven high seas,

It rolls over oceans for red sauce and cheese!

The Plunderin’ Pirates of Pizza are here

To loot all yer slices and then disappear!

The scurviest scoundrels are waitin’ aboard,

Each slicin’ up bread with an extra sharp sword.

They slather the slices with garlic and butter.

The Cap’n then sharpens his hook-pizza-cutter,

Preparin’ to gully and serve on a plate,

Those hot stolen pizzas—in pieces of eight!

He grins his sly grin as we land at the dock

And plunder the pizzas with awe and with shock!

We gobble each crumb ’til our bellies are weighty,

And then we have fun—and what fun we have, matey!

We loot all the tokens of glitterin' gold,

And ransack the place where the prizes are sold,

Then push all the birthday guests outta the way,

And skeeball and pinball ’til “Anchors Aweigh!”

So come be a pirate and plunder with glee!

It’s full of adventure, and refills are free!

Thankful

2010-11-27T20:16:00.001-06:00

Thanksgiving Day is here once more

And right before we feast,

We all say what we’re thankful for—

A few small things, at least.

I’m thankful for my mom and dad,

My sisters too, I guess.

And all those cookies that I had,

And all their yumminess!

I’m thankful for my goldfish tank,

And all my friends at school,

And all the juice the baby drank,

And how she doesn’t drool.

I’m thankful for the nuts that grow

Right there in our backyard.

I’m thankful that the squirrels don’t throw

Them at me very hard.

I’m thankful for my toys and stuff,

And for my monster shirt.

I’m thankful when the dog says “Ruff!”

And rolls around in dirt!

I’m thankful for my jelly beans,

I’m thankful for the moon.

I’m thankful that Thanksgiving means

It’s Christmas very soon!

I’m thankful for the kind, the brave,

The nice ones young and old,

But mostly for the microwave,

’Cause now my food is cold!

Power Chord

2010-11-13T17:22:00.000-06:00

I want to play a power chord

On my brand new guitar.

But when I take the pick and strum

The sound won’t go too far.

What happened to my power chord?

It’s s’posed to scream and wail!

But when I pick up my guitar,

It’s just an epic fail!

Why can’t I rock my power chord

And set this song on fire?

And what’s this word “electric” mean?

And what’s this dangling wire?

Raised By

2010-11-13T17:20:00.000-06:00

You’ve heard all the tales of the boy raised by wolves,

Or that girl who was raised by the camels.

And everyone knows of a family or two

Who behave like a pack of wild mammals.

But chances are good that you’ve not heard the story

Of two most unusual girls.

Twin sisters got lost, so they say, in the yard,

And were found by a pack of wild squirrels.

Well the squirrels were quite kindly—they took the girls in

And they raised each one up like a daughter.

They showed them which trees had the tastiest nuts

And which rain spouts gave off the best water.

The girls caught on quickly and loved the squirrel life.

It’s paradise up in the trees!

They snuggled, munched acorns, and screamed at the cat,

And leaped to the rooftop with ease.

Then one fateful day they were up in the tree

While the squirrels were off raiding the trash.

They leaped to the roof but, alas, were so big

That they busted right through with a crash!

They fell to the room where they’d lived long ago.

Going back to their kid-life was hard.

So they kept building nests and they kept hoarding food

Like they learned from their friends in the yard.

And that’s why our room is a mess, don’t you see?

For a squirrel, it’s in tip-top condition!

It’s not that we’re slobs, we just think it’s our duty

To honor our squirrely tradition!

Wishes

2010-11-07T17:34:00.000-06:00

Wish on all the stars, my love,

The big ones and the small.

Don’t choose just one star above—

Wish wishes on them all!

A sweet wish on the twinkly star,

A wild wish on another.

A wish for friends both near and far

On that star and her brother.

A wish for love, a wish for peace,

A wish for smiles and laughter.

A wish that hope will never cease

’Til happy-ever-after.

A wish for joy throughout the Earth,

Across each land and nation.

A wish for mischief, messes, mirth

On every constellation.

A wish that all who see this star

Will know what kindness means.

A wish to have a green guitar,

A wish for jelly beans.

So many things you’re dreaming of,

So much inside of you.

So wish on all the stars, my love,

And may they all come true.

A Beastly Breakfast

2010-11-07T17:33:00.000-06:00

I dropped a pancake on the floor!

How horrible! How awful!

I fed it to my dinosaur

And made a Belgian waffle.

The waffle got a little torn—

That bothered me the most!

I fed it to my unicorn

And made some raisin toast.

The raisin roast was charred and black.

I choked and started gaggin’!

But since I couldn’t send it back,

I fed it to my dragon.

I think I’ll make a sticky-roll.

I’d best not overheat it!

Since I don’t have a mountain troll,

I’m gonna have to eat it!

Grandpa's Yard

2010-10-24T18:46:00.002-05:00

I dug a hole in Grandpa's yard

While Grandpa was asleep.

A great big hole in Grandpa's yard—

I dug it good and deep.

There's got to be some treasure here

Beneath the dirt and stones.

Some buried box or secret stash—

I feel it in my bones!

A hidden trove of pirates' gold,

Or gems from foreign shores,

Or eggs and skulls and fossil teeth

From ancient dinosaurs!

Or maybe Grandpa's yard has got

A ship from outer space

That crashed and brought a friend for me

From some unheard-of race.

And so I'll dig up Grandpa's yard

Until I find the prize.

I'm pretty sure he knows it's there—

It can't be a surprise!

’Cause usually he's sleepy,

And his favorite sound's a yawn,

But if some kids are near his house,

He yells, "Get off my lawn!"

It must be something special,

Since he’s always on his guard.

I just can’t wait to find what’s lurking

Under Grandpa’s yard!

Staring

2010-10-24T18:44:00.000-05:00

I'm just gonna sit here,

No need to get up.

I'm just gonna sit here

And stare at my cup.

It's so very restful

And peaceful, you know,

To stare at my cup

And just let my mind go.

Just let my mind wander

And roam far and free,

And stare at the cup

On the table by me.

On second thought, maybe

I'll go get a snack—

I think that my cup

Just began to stare back!

Fairies

2010-10-17T14:43:00.000-05:00

Everywhere that you look,

And some places you don’t,

There are fairies to see,

Though you probably won’t.

There are fairies on daisies

And fairies on trees,

There are fairies who play

Hide and seek with your keys.

There are fairies of fire

And fairies of night,

There are fairies who flip and fling

Flapjacks in flight.

There are fairies all over,

Yes fairies galore,

Switching price tags and signs

At the grocery store.

They are merry and mischievous,

Not often scary.

They wave their wildflowers

And trim topiary.

And oh, how they frolic!

And oh, how they dance!

And oh, how they laugh

When they loosen your pants!

Then they’re gone in a flash,

On their paper-thin wings,

Off to do more ridiculous

Wonderful things.

So the next time you lose

A good sock in the dryer

That shows up again in

Your music in choir,

Just give a good laugh,

And the next time, be wary.

Each day’s April Fools

To your neighborhood fairy.

Un-Diet

2010-10-17T14:41:00.001-05:00

No matter how much food I eat,

I keep on getting thinner.

I slim down with each little treat,

Each breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

I ate a brownie yesterday,

And now my belt is loose.

Ten pounds of fat fell clean away

From just one chocolate mousse!

My sandwich overflows the bun—

A toothpick would be great.

But when I eat it, I’ll be one!

Oh, what a sticky fate!

And next week is Thanksgiving Day—

You know what that’s about.

If I can’t keep the snacks at bay,

I might turn inside out!

Fritter Critters

2010-10-10T12:06:00.002-05:00

It's snack time at last,

And my hunger is vast!

The growl of my tummy is vicious!

I think I'll make fritters

Shaped up into critters.

They're funny and cute and delicious!

I mix up the dough,

Roll it out—here we go!

All aboard for the critter express!

I make little dough-ears,

Then dough-whiskers, dough-rears,

Plus a big gloppy gooey dough-mess!

But at last I am done,

And I'm ready for fun!

I assemble the pieces and bits.

I make bunnies and squirrels,

I make piggies with pearls,

Fixing each fritter fleck where it fits.

I make hippos and snails,

And some prehensile tails

That I stick to the rump of each possum.

Then I dip them in fat,

Fry them up in a vat,

And I wait for my fritters to blossom.

In a minute or three

They are plump as can be,

And I know that my snacks are complete.

But my belly stays empty!

They look good and tempty,

But sadly, they're too cute to eat!

Hygiene

2010-10-10T12:04:00.001-05:00

I'm brushing my teeth with my finger again.

It's something amusing to do, now and then.

I open the tube and I squeeze out the paste,

(But little by little, so none goes to waste).

I stretch out my finger and pile on the glop,

Then swish it around in my mouth 'til I stop.

I rub every molar and every incisor,

Then each wisdom tooth, so I'm sure to get wiser.

I scrub from the front to the back without fail,

Then scrape off my tongue with the tip of my nail.

At last when I'm sparkling and ready to quit,

I pull out my finger, then gargle and spit.

My finger-toothbrushing adventure is done.

The real fun, however, has barely begun.

My finger is minty and covered with slime,

And here comes my sister—it's face-touching time!

Wonder

2010-10-02T17:56:00.001-05:00

I wonder why the grass is green.

I wonder why I’m not.

I wonder why the sunbeam is

My kitty’s favorite spot.

I wonder what a camel says.

I wonder where I’m going.

I wonder how to keep the

Bubble bath from overflowing.

I wonder if a maple tree

Tastes different than a pine.

I wonder where they store the stars

And how they make them shine.

I wonder why the clouds take shapes.

I wonder why they thunder.

And can you make potato cake?

And is it good? I wonder.

I wonder if the sheep get itchy

Wearing all that wool.

I wonder almost everything.

My life is wonder-full!

Play It

2010-10-02T17:55:00.001-05:00

Play a violin

If you know where to begin.

Play a big old cello

If you’re feeling kind of mellow.

Play a silver flute

If you want to give a hoot.

Play a big bass drum

If you don’t want to be glum.

Play a shiny horn

If you’re happy you were born.

Play a new guitar

If you know just who you are.

Play a clarinet

If you don’t want to forget.

But please don’t play that gong,

’Til I’m finished with my song!

To Whom It May Concern

2010-09-26T18:00:00.001-05:00

Dear Yummy Crunchy Cookie Co:

I’m writing to complain.

I used to love your cookies so!

They were so nice and plain!

But last time I was at the store,

I took some from the shelf,

Then yelled until my lungs were sore—

I was beside myself!

For there upon the package

Was a sticker, bright and gold.

It said you changed my snackage,

“Better Flavor! Extra Bold!”

Oh who asked you to change a thing?!

They’re fine the way they were!

Your cookies need an extra zing

Like fish need extra fur!

Oh change the cookies back, I say,

You cookie-switching bandit!

Bring back the snack of yesterday!

Your customers demand it!

And while you’re at it, please send back

The money that I spent

To buy the “new and better” pack.

Send every single cent!

I had to try them, quite annoyed,

To know that they were bad.

And out of twelve, I just enjoyed

The first ten that I had!

Hall of Wonders!

2010-09-19T13:20:00.000-05:00

Oh come into the carnival!

There's wonders to behold!

Amazing sights both wild and rare,

And legends yet untold!

Come see the rarest steed of all—

The mystic unicorn!

And ours is even rarer still—

It doesn't have a horn!

Our cyclops is unique as well—

It seems to have two eyes!

Our jungle pygmy's special too—

He's average human size!

Prepare yourself to marvel at

The Lady Who Can Fly!

(We're sure she'll do it someday

If she ever wants to try).

So come and see the carnival,

There's things you won't believe!

So much to see! Admission's free!

You only pay to leave!

Poem Fail

2010-09-19T13:19:00.000-05:00

I run out of rhymes

At unfortunate moments.

It bothers me so very bad!

And sometimes each line

Doesn't turn out so great.

It makes me incredibly angry!

Oh teach me some tricks

So that I can correct

All these problems before they get worse.

Oh even my pun

Doesn't seem to get finished.

It started out bad, now it's poetry!