In a Trick-or-Treating Wonderland

Doorbells ring! Did you listen?

Come and see what you're missin'!

A goblin and ghost,

As scary as most,

In a trick-or-treating wonderland!

Gone away are my candies,

Piece-by-piece, in their handies.

The kids are a sight,

They show up all night,

In a trick-or-treating wonderland!

Here's a fairy princess and a turtle!

Oh, now, what are you supposed to be?

Come on in the kitchen, meet Aunt Myrtle!

"Oh aren't they a precious thing to see?"

Later on, if we tire

Of your costumed attire,

We might send you back

To fill up your sack,

In a trick-or-treating wonderland!

Just Desserts

People often ask me why

All I eat is pumpkin pie.

If I eat them all, you see,

Then the pumpkins can't eat me!

Gourmet Cooking Night

It’s “Gourmet Cooking Night!” Hooray!

My family’s favorite treat.

When I help Mom and Dad come up

With something new to eat.

They start out plain and simple,

With a chicken or a roast,

But then they leave the room,

And that’s when I help out the most!

I open up the fridge and grab

Whatever’s most expedient,

Then close my eyes and throw it in—

The mystery ingredient!

One time we had a turkey

Stuffed with oatmeal cookie-dough,

And once we had some burgers

Topped with pudding over-flow.

Our sweet-potato casserole

Had week-old breaded snapper,

And nothing beats spaghetti

With an empty butter wrapper!

Tonight’s surprise appears to be,

As far as I can make out,

Lasagna filled with ice cream

Topped with last night’s Chinese take-out.

Oh Mom and Dad are always proud!

They take just one big bite,

Then take me out for pizza!

Yay for “Gourmet Cooking Night!”

Please Don't Eat My Raisins

Please don’t eat my raisins,

’Cause I don’t have any more!

(Actually, to tell the truth,

I dropped them on the floor).

Please don’t eat my raisins,

Or I’m telling Mom and Dad!

(Actually, to tell the truth,

I think they just went bad).

Please don’t eat my raisins,

’Cause I’m saving all of those!

(Actually, to tell the truth,

I stuck them up my nose).

Please don’t eat my raisins,

’Cause I only have a few!

(Actually, to tell the truth,

I really hope you do).

The Snail

You might not be aware, because he's less than one inch tall,

But crawling in your garden there's a danger to us all.

He plots and schemes while gliding on his slimy mucus trail.

Beware the hidden powers of The World's Most Evil Snail!

From deep inside his shell, (so lightly speckled, slightly swirled),

He hatches fiendish plans to cause the downfall of the world!

A treasure-trove of evil-doing dreams lurk in his mind,

With tools of terror tucked into the house on his behind.

Some dynamite, some dental floss, a bucket and a spoon,

A hula-hoop, two matches, and a poodle-shaped balloon.

The world will tremble when they face the weapons deep inside him.

His evil drives him on, and his antennae help to guide him.

If you can catch this Evil Snail, don't ever let him go.

He's on his way to rule the world, just really . . . r e a l l y . . . . . . . . s l o w.

The Least Famous Reindeer Of All

You know Dasher, you know Dancer, you know all those other guys, And you know about the reindeer with the sparkle-nosed surprise.
But there is another reindeer that I’m sure you don’t recall.
He’s a little guy named Bernie, the least famous of them all.

Now this Bernie was too scrawny and too small to pull a sleigh,
(To be honest, flying made him kind of gassy anyway).
All the other reindeer laughed at him or pointed at his bottom,
But in time they got so busy that they sort of just forgot ’im.

Every Christmas all the reindeer would go soaring through the sky
Pulling sleighs and bags of presents and one jolly little guy,
But poor Bernie stayed behind and played Parcheesi with the elves,
’Til they sighed their pint-sized sighs and felt all sorry for themselves.

Year by year poor Bernie sat there as he sighed and drooped and waited,
Growing ever more dejected (and a little irritated).
No one noticed him, or thought of him, or gave him half a mention,
So when Bernie ran away from home, nobody paid attention.

Bernie trekked through forests cold and dark, and mountains high and hilly,
’Til he found a small apartment on the other side of Philly.
Then he searched until he found a job that he could do alone—
He would stay in his apartment and sell products on the phone!

So for months and months the reindeer called the names on his computer.
Several people let him say his speech, but other folks were ruder.
“This is Bernie,” he would say, “and how are you this evening, sir?”
But the answers they would give sent frosty shivers through his fur!

They would call him nasty names and never use their inside voice,
But poor Bernie needed money, so he didn’t have a choice.
As the winter came, he started to regret the path he’d chosen—
Back at Santa’s it was often cold, but here his life was frozen!

Then one day, December twenty-fourth, when all his spark had died,
And poor Bernie sat and watched the blizzard piling up outside,
Something magical occurred that made his sleigh-bells ting-a-ling!
Just when all his hope had left him, Bernie’s phone began to ring!

“Bernie, is it you?” the voice cried out when Bernie took the call,
“Oh thank heavens! This is Santa, and we’re trapped behind the squall!
Every road is blocked by snow, and more keeps falling from the sky.
We’ve run out of reindeer food, and so the team’s too weak to fly!”

“If I’d only bought the larger bag, we wouldn’t have this mess,
But my coupon was expired—oh it’s my fault, I confess!
Now I’ve ruined things for everyone. No Christmas time this year!”
Bernie listened to his tale of woe, then answered, “Have no fear!”

“Just sit tight, old friend,” said Bernie, and he felt all warm inside
As a strength surged up within him—partly hope and partly pride.
Then he lit up his computer and he gave his mouse a jerk,
Filled his mug with fresh hot coffee, then he buckled down to work.

First he looked up every snowplow in the northern hemisphere,
Then he hooked up all the phone skills he’d built up throughout the year.
In an hour he had booked them all and sent them driving north,
Off to plow the workshop out so all the presents could go forth.

Then the second phase began as Bernie tried to find a way
To get all the presents to their kids in time for Christmas Day.
With another pot of coffee, several thousand calls he placed,
(Making sure to block his number so his name could not be traced).

With a voice so calm and pleasant that they couldn’t raise a fuss,
He called package shippers, moving trucks, four airlines, and a bus,
Then a dozen helicopters, and an airport limousine,
Several cruise ships, and more taxi cabs than you have ever seen.

Bernie stayed awake all night just finding numbers, making calls,
And he never ate his cookies, and he never decked his halls.
He just kept the coffee coming as his hoof grew extra quivery,
But nothing stopped our deer from booking every last delivery.

When Christmas came and all the kiddies woke up in their beds,
All the sugar-plums they’d dreamed of were piled up around their heads!
Every action figure, every doll, each candy cane and toffee,
Thanks to Bernie’s tele-miracle (and buckets full of coffee).

Then the other reindeer loved him, and old Santa did as well,
And they brought him home in time to have a jolly old Noel.
“That’s our Bernie!” how they shouted! “That’s our boy,” he heard them sing!
Then old Santa brought him straight down to the North Pole Corporate Wing.

Bernie got the corner office just beside the Arctic Ocean,
Then he got a snazzy title and a sizeable promotion.
As “VP in Charge of Telephones and Mass-Communication”
He gets money for retirement and six weeks of vacation!

And he never has to fly at all or lug around a sleigh—
He just makes some simple calls and sends the presents on their way!
Life is sweet at last for Bernie, for he’s found a way to mesh.
He can do the thing he’s best at, and the coffee’s always fresh!

One By One...

I pushed Peter from the treehouse

And he hurt his wrist.

He won’t come to my birthday party...

Too bad, he’ll be missed.

I took Tina’s favorite doll,

Then pulled her hair and teased her.

My birthday party’s Saturday--

I guess she won’t come either.

I dragged Danny through the dirt,

His mom was not impressed.

Now she won’t let him play with me--

That’s one less birthday guest.

I’d better hurry up, because

There's just so much at stake.

If I get rid of all my friends

I’ll get the whole darn cake!

It's a Secret!

My friend told me a secret!

Oh, I really shouldn’t tell!

’Cause he told me, and only me.

And Jennifer as well.

And Jennifer told Britney,

And then Britney told her mom.

Then Britney’s mom told my mom,

And she told my brother Tom.

Tom might have told his girlfriend

When they took a break from kissin’.

But she’s always wearing headphones,

So I bet she didn’t listen.

But Tom can’t keep a secret—

Not a little, not a bit!

And now his friends in every grade

Are talking about it.

I shouldn’t tell this secret,

Oh I promised I would not.

But by now you prob’ly heard it.

Could you tell me? I forgot!

The Search

My wallet is missing,

It’s nowhere in sight.

Been gone, now, for over an hour.

My keys must have joined it,

They vanished last night

While I was soaped up in the shower.

I can’t find my backpack,

My jacket’s gone too!

My sweater’s nowhere to be found.

I’ve dumped all my drawers out,

I’ve checked through and through,

But I’ve caught not a sight or a sound.

Oh where is my toothbrush?!

I’m too mad to speak!

I think I just might have a fit!

I know I signed up

To play “Stuff-Hide-And-Seek,”

But why did I have to be It?