School

Spitballs in the water fountain, 

Toilets full of trash,  

Classroom windows shattered 

With a rock, a crunch, a CRASH!

Blackboards smeared with mashed potatoes, 

Frogs on every chair, 

Gum crammed into every book, 

And boogers everywhere!

Lunch-room is a war-zone 

Where the food is flung with glee. 

Chalk’s been spotted in some places 

Chalk should never be.

Wedgies, purple nurples, 

And “behavioral disruption” 

Burst from every classroom 

Like a fiery eruption.

You might think they’re lonely, 

Or imagine they get glummer, 

But teachers do some crazy things 

When kids are gone for summer!

Awards Day

They gave awards at school today 

For everyone to see, 

And everybody came away 

With one—except for me.   

First Julie got "Best Attitude," 

Then Brandon took "Best Smile." 

Mackenzie swept "Most Crass and Crude," 

And Timmy won "Most Vile."   

The whole jazz band won "Best Jazz Band," 

The drummer won "Best Drummer." 

Then Andy picked up "Smartest" and 

"Most Likely to Get Dumber."   

Throughout the day the stage was crossed 

By every kid in school. 

Except for me—I even lost 

The trophy for "Least Cool."   

Then at the end I hung my head 

And started out the door, 

Until my teacher called instead, 

"Hold on--we've got one more!"   

The lights dimmed low, the spotlight shone, 

They played momentous chords, 

Then dragged me up there on my own 

To win for "Least Awards"!   

I felt so happy through and through, 

They handed me a plaque. 

Then, since it was no longer true, 

They made me give it back.

Just One Sprocket!

I only need one sprocket 

To complete my backyard rocket 

And I’ve looked through all the pockets 

Of my pants.   

I found a tiny shoe 

And a cookie—almost new 

And book on how to do 

The chicken dance.   

I found my neighbor’s kitty 

And a diamond ring—so pretty! 

And a miniature city 

From the moon.   

And a watch that freezes time, 

And a snail with magic slime, 

And a mountain I could climb 

This afternoon.   

Then I found a dragon hissing, 

And two little robots kissing, 

And the keys that Mom was missing 

From her purse.   

I found all the stars above, 

And a planet made of love, 

And the Deepest Secrets of 

The Universe   

But not a single sprocket 

To complete my backyard rocket! 

Oh, I guess I’ll have to dock it 

By the tree.   

I should be out exploring, 

With my rocket ship a-roaring, 

But my life is just so boring! 

Woe is me!

Watch the Baby!

Mom said I should watch the baby 

While she's at the store. 

"Now, young man, I don't mean maybe!" 

Then she slammed the door.   

With a frown, I sighed again, 

"I hope he's not too needy!" 

I shut the TV down, and then 

I watched him—yes indeedy!   

I watched the baby crawl around, 

I watched the baby cry, 

I watched him ride the Bassett Hound 

And make the goldfish fly.   

I watched the baby yanking at 

The dining table cloth. 

I watched him yak in Daddy's hat, 

I watched him eat a moth.  

I watched him lick the windows clear 

Just like a windshield wiper, 

Then watched him as he laughed and smeared 

Them with his stinky diaper.   

My baby-watching's just begun— 

I hope Mom stays away! 

If I knew it was this much fun, 

I'd watch him every day!

Special Delivery!

Oh what's in this packet? 

It could be a jacket! 

A new tennis racket! 

A nail for a bracket, 

A hammer to whack it. 

A poster?  I'll tack it! 

Some shelving?  I'll stack it! 

A duckie?  I'll quack it! 

A cracker?  I'll crack it! 

A locket?  I lack it! 

A rope?  I'll unslack it! 

A tooth?  I'll de-plaque it! 

A rhyme dictionary? 

I think I'll send back it.

Pot Luck

First step is bring the water to a boil, 

Then add a tablespoon of olive oil. 

Some carrots, chopped, a dash of coriander, 

Then eye of newt and tail of salamander. 

Some diced potatoes, celery, and corn, 

A tail-hair from a golden unicorn. 

Some cooking sherry, maybe half a flagon, 

Three toenails from a double-headed dragon, 

Tomato paste, fresh beans, a pound of chicken, 

(A little flour helps the whole thing thicken). 

A serpent's tooth, the eyelids of a toad, 

And just a dash of pepper for the road.   

Whoever said a batch of witches' brew 

Can't also be the most delicious stew? 

Besides--when what I feed them's not disgusting, 

I find the little children far more trusting.

Double-Dutch

Cinderella dressed in yella
Went upstairs to kiss her fella.
By mistake she kissed a snake!
How many doctors will it take?

Sleeping Beauty, what a cutie,
Fell downstairs and smacked her booty.
Now it's sore, she's on the floor.
She won't sleepwalk anymore.

Thumbelina, small and lean-a,
Hopping like a jumping bean-a.
So unstable in her fable
Plunged right off the kitchen table!

Thinks Prince Charming, "How alarming!
Ladies all themselves are harming!"
"Where's their pride," he sneers, so snide,
Then stumbles off a mountainside.