Getting Ready

My shoes are too tight and my hair is too long.

My face is a fright and my jacket's all wrong.

My breath is disgusting, there's mess up my nose.

My toenails are crusting up over my toes!

My kneecaps need cleaning, my pants have a hole.

I've really been meaning to shave that big mole.

I'd better get going—it's quarter to eight!

And ogres hate showing up late for a date!

Adventure Hotel

Welcome, my friends, to Adventure Hotel!

What wonders await you, you never can tell.

For here we take pride that each registered guest

Will get to embark on a magical quest!

The moment you start to check-in, it begins—

The managers give you mysterious grins,

Then slip you the keys to the room where you’ll stay.

They give you a wink, and you’re off on your way.

You roll down the hall with your suitcase in tow,

You find the “up arrow” and press it just so.

But some evil spirits behind the door lurk,

Who make sure that both elevators won’t work.

And so, if you hope to go rest in your room,

You bravely must conquer the “Stairwell of Doom!”

You get to the top, put your key in the slot,

You think it will open, but—GASP!—it does not!

And so you march down to the desk once again

To summon the Magical Maintenance Men.

You answer their riddles, they open your door,

You throw all your trinkets and clothes on the floor,

Then go to recharge all your strength and your power

By basking beneath the warm wonderful shower.

But fate interferes in a test of your might—

“The Shower of Shivers!” You’re frozen with fright!

But cold as you are, you still bravely endure,

And hope a hot towel will give you the cure.

You hope beyond hope as you reach for the rack.

Your fingers grasp wildly for cloth—but alack!

You find no hot towel beyond the bath stall—

In fact, you discover no towel at all!

But do you give up? Do you cower in doubt?

That’s not what Adventure Hotel is about!

No no, mighty quester, so bold and so certain,

You stride through the hallway wrapped up in the curtain

In search of the treasure, the mythical prize:

The glittering doorway that’s labeled “Supplies.”

You knock three loud knocks, but no guardian comes.

The air rushes toward you; it crackles and hums.

The door falls away as you give a great heave,

And what is inside, you can scarcely believe!

The towels! The toothpastes! The tiny shampoo!

The soaps! And the sheets! And the TP rolls too!

You grab them with glee, leaving nothing to spare!

You’ve conquered the quest, so they’re yours fair and square!

You stride to your room and you laugh in your might!

Heroic and gallant, the conquering knight!

Adventure Hotel—stay a night and you’ll see.

The room’s eighty bucks; the adventure is free!

Planet of the Grapes

Behold the Planet of the Grapes!

So juicy and so round!

It orbited its mighty sun

And made a squishy sound.

Alas, its orbit grew too close

Around that distant star.

The only grape who knew the truth

Cried warnings near and far.

"Our planet has no solid core!

The center's soft and seedless!"

From vine to vine, he warned each bunch,

But all the grapes were heedless.

And so he built a rocket-fridge

And set the engines blazin',

And blasted off his baby as

The world became a raisin.

And, well, I guess you know the rest—

The fridge touched down on Earth.

It bore a bulbous baby of

Immeasurable worth.

As strong as twenty cantaloupes!

So dashing in his cape!

Protecting produce everywhere!

The mighty SuperGrape!

Rainy

The sky may be raining

But I’m not complaining!

There’s still so much fun to be had!

There’s inner-tube bumping,

And big-puddle jumping,

And Water Olympics with Dad!

There’s mud-castle stomping,

And rain-barrel romping,

And rolling around like a hog!

And squashing and squishing,

And wading-pool fishing,

And wet tug-of-war with the dog!

The gutters are gushing

Like waterfalls rushing,

The driveway’s a big water-slide!

But now the sun’s out,

And I sigh, and I pout,

And I guess I’ll just go back inside.

Anatomy

Oh what is the name for the back of my elbow?

And how ’bout the back of my knee?

And what do you call the dent under my nose

Where it seems like a mustache should be?

And how ’bout the large inner-ear fold?

Or the hairs on the tops of my toes?

And what do you call that big vein on Dad’s head

That gets redder the madder he grows?

Whoever writes names for the parts of the body

Has sure got a difficult job!

So until all my questions are answered completely,

I’ll just have to call them all “Bob.”

You Gotta

Every now and then, you gotta

Raise a little heck!

You gotta toss the niceness out

And dig up all the dreck!

You gotta roll in sludgy mud,

You gotta scream with glee!

You gotta coat your hair with cheese

And set your belches free!

You gotta make a castle

Out of peas and mashed potaters,

You gotta fill your sister’s bath

With rubber alligators!

You gotta dance in underpants,

You gotta bang on pots!

You gotta fling your scrambled eggs

With everything you gots!

But you don’t gotta shave the cat

Or plot your brother’s doom,

Or tie your grandma to the couch—

That’s why you’re in your room.

Details

I tried to buy sneakers,

Instead I got squeakers,

And now I’m a terrible spy.

My cool new sunglasses

Were really sun-grasses

That grow so incredibly high.

My new little pony

Turned out to be phony.

I feel for the poor little feller.

If only I could,

I’d retire for good,

And become a professional speeler.