I.O.U.

My dad said it’s important that you pay back what you borrow.

“My son,” he said, “forgetting debts can only lead to sorrow!”

And so, because my dad is wise, I promptly pay each debt.

There’s not a thing I’ve borrowed that I haven’t paid back yet!

When you loaned me a dollar for a pretzel at the fair,

I paid you back in pennies--ninety-seven!  Almost there!

When you loaned me an egg so I could finish my soufflé,

I only used the inside.  I returned the shell!  Hooray!

I did return your turbo-charged electric ear hair groomer--

That’s not MY dog’s hair clogging up the parts.  It’s just a rumor!

And when I took your dental floss, I didn’t want to swindle.

I used it, wiped it off, then wound it back around the spindle!

It may sound like I haven’t paid back everything I took.

It may sound like I haven’t evened out the balance book.

But next time that you loan me something, I will make it right.

I’ll pay you back a little extra, just to be polite.

Hey, can I have a tissue?  I’ve got allergies galore!

I swear I will return it--plus a little something more.

"Do You Want?"

“Do you want to eat some peas?”

“No.”

“Do you want to eat some cheese?”

“No.”

“Do you want to wear your pants?

“No.”

“Do you want to do a dance?”

“No.”

“Do you want to watch TV?”

“No.”

“Or your kitty DVD?”

“No.”

“Do you want a red balloon?”

“No.”

“Or a visit to the moon?”

“No.”

“Do you want to have a nap?”

“NO!”

“Or a story in my lap?”

“NO!”

“How about a bowl of grapes?”

“NO!”

“You could help me clean the drapes!”

“NOOO!”

“Do you want to spin around?”

“NOOO!”

“Throw your crayons on the ground?”

“NOOOOO!”

“Do you want to bathe the dogs?”

“NOOOOOOOO!”

“Stuff the toilet ’til it clogs?”

“NOOOOOOOO!”

“Well, what DO you want to do?”

“Guess.”

“Should I hug and cuddle you?”

 . . . 

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Side Effects May Include...

Your nose may run, your eyes may itch,

You might begin to cough.

You may develop “bottom twitch,”

Your earlobes may fall off.

Your toes may smell like roasted beans,

Some people’s elbows sweat.

(It’s not clear what blue nose hair means--

No one has seen that . . . yet).

If you begin to sprout a flower,

Go and buy a vase.

You may start melting in the shower--

Keep away from face.

Your teeth may chatter in the rain,

Your spleen may start to shout.

If there is pressure in your brain

A penguin may pop out!

A few will suffer eyebrow loss

And goopy green emission.

Before you use “Bob’s Dental Floss,”

Consult with your physician.

Routine Maintenance

Spin the wheels and test the brakes,
Clean the clogged-up air intakes.
When you’re done with that assignment,
Tighten up the rear alignment.
Change the oil and pump that tire.
How long ’til the shocks expire?
Swap the belts and check transmission.
Can we make this no-emission?
Fix the dents, buff out the scratches,
Press the buttons, pull the latches.
When the services are through,
Polish every bolt and screw.
Now I’ll have my satisfaction--
Mega-Kill-Bot primed for action!

Half-Birthday Party!

Wear your half-a-party-hat--(It’s just the rubber band).

Here’s your half-balloon--(It’s just a ribbon in your hand).

Blow out half the candles on your droopy half-a-cake--

(Half the flour, half the eggs, and half the time to bake).

Half of us will sing to you, but only half the song.

Half will sing your name correctly, half will sing it wrong.

Pour a half-a-glass of soda in your half-a-cup.

Open your half-presents--(empty boxes all wrapped up).

Play with half your friends, and when the party’s halfway through,

Make a good half-birthday wish, and may it half come true!

If You Were…

If you were a blanket,
I'd snuggle you up. 
If you were some coffee,
I'd fill up my cup. 
If you were a mountain,
I'd climb to the top. 
If you were a flip, well then,
I'd be your flop. 

If you were a sparrow,
I'd live in the trees. 
If you were a milkshake,
I'd risk a brain-freeze. 
If you were a seashell,
I'd put up my ear. 
If you were invisible,
I'd disappear. 

If you were a quiz question,
I'd take a guess. 
If you were a doorbell,
I'd give you a press. 
If you were a razor,
I'd get a close shave. 
But since you're a cactus,
I think I'll just wave. 

Real Estate?

Home for sale!  New listing!  Come and see it for yourselves!

Twelve big bedrooms, each with gold-encrusted built-in shelves!

Dining room seats eighty, there’s a full-size roller rink,

Kitchen’s got five ovens and a new self-cleaning sink!

Seven living rooms for every different kind of living--

Reading, lounging, chatting, games, plus three just for Thanksgiving!

Bowling alley in the basement, pool with water slide,

Hidden passage, spiral staircase, spinning teacup ride.

Robot arms above the bed for day-or-night massage,

Fully furnished dog apartment over the garage.

Secret second-level basement with a big arcade--

Tickets, ball pits, robot band, and pizza--freshly made!

Sixty-thousand or best offer!  Seller highly rated!

(Details may be changed, and may have been exaggerated).