Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Pirates of the Talent Show

Ahoy there, me buckos, come pull up a seat!
Ignore all the screamin’ below.
Kick up both yer peg legs, yer in for a treat—
The Pirate Variety Show!

An evenin’ of playin’ and singin’ and dancin’,
Occasional murder, and more!
Our talented crew is enchantin’, entrancin’,
And barred from appearin’ on shore!

There’s Whistlin’ Bill with the gap in his maw—
He blows a three minute sonata.
Then Sea Serpent Stephen unhinges his jaw
And does the full Kraken Cantata.

Ye’ll laugh at the antics of Old Pickled Peter—
A barrel o’ brandy he drank!
He plays Marco Polo and Follow The Leader
While stumblin’ about on the plank.

Up next is Blind Johnny who does a fine trick—
He juggles ten razor-sharp knives.
Our guests in the front row may feel a slight prick,
But most will escape with their lives.

Ventriloquist Joe does an act that’s first rate
Beneath all the billowin’ sails.
He uses the help of our late great first mate
To show that dead men DO tell tales!

And who’s that off stage with the glint in his eyes?
Oh, try not to give ’im a look.
Why that there’s the Cap’n.  He silently spies
Just waitin’ to give ’em the hook.

Sunday, August 3, 2014


Turn on the sirens and raise up the shield!
Make sure the plasma containment is sealed!
Lock down the primary neutron collector!
Reroute the charge from the hydro-injector!
Prep the emergency life-support system!
Get down to sickbay and try to assist them!
Get the Disruptor Ray ready to fire!
How many Proton Bombs did we acquire?!
Lock every weapon on, show them we’re armed!
Give them one chance to escape this unharmed!
“Attention intruder ship in the War Zone:
We won’t buy more cookies.  Now leave us ALONE!”


Your friends cannot help you.
Your teachers don’t know.
The principal sent you away.

Your mom saw you coming
And sternly said “No.”
Your dad simply sighed “Not today.”

Your grandparents nodded
And patted your head.
I guess that’s the way that it goes.

So go and find out
For yourself now instead:
How many beans fit in your nose?