Wednesday, October 8, 2014


The trap doors are ready,
The springs are all loaded,
The video camera is on.
A storm of spaghetti
Will soon be exploded
All over the booby-trapped lawn.
I’ve set up the hose
And the buckets of ice,
I’ve greased all the slippery spots.
I’ve emptied my nose
On the door handles—twice!
I’ve tied all the leg-snaring knots.
There’s whipped cream pre-shaken,
And tons of trip wires,
A robot who pulls off your pants,
A vat full of bacon,
And hidden bonfires,
And mountains of flesh-eating ants!
Those punks and their leaders
Will never expect it!
I’ll post their misfortunes online!
And soon, trick-or-treaters
Will learn to respect it—
The “Take JUST ONE CANDY, Please” sign!

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Pirates of the Talent Show

Ahoy there, me buckos, come pull up a seat!
Ignore all the screamin’ below.
Kick up both yer peg legs, yer in for a treat—
The Pirate Variety Show!

An evenin’ of playin’ and singin’ and dancin’,
Occasional murder, and more!
Our talented crew is enchantin’, entrancin’,
And barred from appearin’ on shore!

There’s Whistlin’ Bill with the gap in his maw—
He blows a three minute sonata.
Then Sea Serpent Stephen unhinges his jaw
And does the full Kraken Cantata.

Ye’ll laugh at the antics of Old Pickled Peter—
A barrel o’ brandy he drank!
He plays Marco Polo and Follow The Leader
While stumblin’ about on the plank.

Up next is Blind Johnny who does a fine trick—
He juggles ten razor-sharp knives.
Our guests in the front row may feel a slight prick,
But most will escape with their lives.

Ventriloquist Joe does an act that’s first rate
Beneath all the billowin’ sails.
He uses the help of our late great first mate
To show that dead men DO tell tales!

And who’s that off stage with the glint in his eyes?
Oh, try not to give ’im a look.
Why that there’s the Cap’n.  He silently spies
Just waitin’ to give ’em the hook.

Sunday, August 3, 2014


Turn on the sirens and raise up the shield!
Make sure the plasma containment is sealed!
Lock down the primary neutron collector!
Reroute the charge from the hydro-injector!
Prep the emergency life-support system!
Get down to sickbay and try to assist them!
Get the Disruptor Ray ready to fire!
How many Proton Bombs did we acquire?!
Lock every weapon on, show them we’re armed!
Give them one chance to escape this unharmed!
“Attention intruder ship in the War Zone:
We won’t buy more cookies.  Now leave us ALONE!”


Your friends cannot help you.
Your teachers don’t know.
The principal sent you away.

Your mom saw you coming
And sternly said “No.”
Your dad simply sighed “Not today.”

Your grandparents nodded
And patted your head.
I guess that’s the way that it goes.

So go and find out
For yourself now instead:
How many beans fit in your nose?

Thursday, July 31, 2014

First Day of School

It’s after six-thirty, get out of the bed!
You’ve had the whole summer to drool!
Put on that nice outfit and go comb your head--
It’s time for the first day of school!

I know that you’re nervous, we do this each year,
But trust me, it’s gonna be great!
The kids will adore you, there’s nothing to fear!
Now get in the car, ’cause we’re late!

Just go be yourself and I’m sure you’ll do well.
You always play nicely with others.
And if those mean girls keep on saying you smell,
Just tell me and I’ll call their mothers.

But what if they tease you and pull down your pants
And draw on your butt with a pen?
Oh sweetie, come on!  Make new friends!  Take a chance!
They won’t do the same things again!

Okay, here we are, get on out of the car.
Now don’t you look handsome and clever?
Oh, who wouldn’t like you?  My own special star!
The very best principal ever!

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Miss Fortune

Come into my parlor and pull up a chair.
Sit down by the big crystal ball over there!
You seem a bit lost and quite troubled, my dear,
But I see your future--there’s nothing to fear!
The hands of the fates hover over our meeting,
So open your mind, and I’ll give you a reading.

☺︎ Good news is arriving today in the mail. ☺︎
☺︎ He who prepares not is destined to fail. ☺︎

☺︎ A journey of love and adventure is waiting. ☺︎
☺︎ A wise man takes action without hesitating. ☺︎

☺︎ Step out of the shadows--your future is sunny! ☺︎
☺︎ A friend needs your comfort--hold onto your money. ☺︎

☺︎ The higher the mountain, the better the view. ☺︎
☺︎ A pleasant surprise is soon coming to you. ☺︎

But wait, there is more from the realms of beyond.
Oh spirits!  Oh hear me!  I beg you, respond!

Your numbers are one, three, and seventeen--WOW!
In Chinese, a “Gooseberry” is “mí hóu táo”!

Oh, don’t you feel better?  Your fortune’s been told!
Now pay me and leave--my lo mein’s getting cold!

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Tow and Shell

Today’s the day for tow and shell, and all the glids are kad.
They cling to brass the troolest ceasures that they ever had!
Yoey brought a jo-jo that went stown upon its dring.
Plara brought her carrot that she taught to salk and ting.
Crankie brought his facing rar that treeds along the spack.
Tauna brought her shurtle with the dolka-botted pack.
Fougie brought his bather’s doxers with the hiant gole.
Gusan brought her sift from Clanta Saus--a cump of loal!
Tichard brought his beddy rear he nuddles every cight.
Dretchen brought her grawing of a knagon and a dright.
And me?  I didn’t thring a bing!  I just ratched all the west.
I’m buch too musy framming cor the teekly welling spest!

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Door-to-Door Dan

Oh no one on earth is as gallant or grand
As Door-to-Door Dan with the Super-Sized Hand.
This salesman walks boldly from castle to shack,
Approaches the front door and gives it a whack.
The thunderous clap from his mountainous fist
Rings up to the heavens and cannot be missed!
As strong as an elephant, equally wide,
Dan’s mighty right hand calls the people inside.
They shudder in fear, but soon run to the door
To greet him before he can knock anymore.
Before they can squeak out the tiniest word,
Like “My, you’re surprisingly well-manicured!”
Dan crackles his knuckles, his fingers all twitch,
And swiftly and smoothly he starts up his pitch.
Dan lives like an emperor hawking his wares--
His patented line of front doorway repairs.

Friday, July 18, 2014

The Fine Print

This coupon entitles the bearer to ice cream--
One single-dip-sugar-cone FREE!*

*This offer is limited, one to a customer,
No “coupon-back guarantee.”
Void where prohibited, void where illegal,
And void between ten and three-thirty.
Void if the coupon is copied or damaged
Or wrinkled or smelly or dirty.
The general manager at your location
May tell you the coupon’s declined.
If this is the case, fill out form seven-twenty,
And have it both witnessed and signed.
The offer of ice cream does not include toppings--
No sprinkles or peanuts or fudge,
No gummies or cookie crumbs, no little egg rolls,
And no swirls of “Mystery Sludge™”.
If there are no sugar cones, offer is canceled;
You can’t have a bowl or a waffle.
No chance of replacement if ice cream falls over,
But golly, that makes us feel awful!
There’s no guarantee you can pick your own flavor,
But trust us, we always choose well.
You’ll get “Nacho Madness” or “Barley EXPLOSION!”
(Whichever is hardest to sell).
No medical care or dry-cleaning is offered
If flavors may cause you to heave.
No loitering, lounging, or sitting at tables.
You get your free cone, and you leave.
If scoop size is greater than two-point-three inches
You may have to pay for a “Large.”**

**Free ice cream is subject to food tax and sales tax
And six-dollar handling charge.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

The Carnivore

We’re going back to school tonight,
Although the day is done.
We’re going back to school tonight
To have a lot of fun!
The teacher gave out passes
And she said what they are for.
Two hours after classes,
It’s the yearly Carnivore!
Though other kids may flee it,
Might pass out or just go pale,
I just can’t wait to see it!
Giant teeth and thrashing tail!
The teacher gave us tickets,
And she said there will be rides!
Be careful not to kick its
Spiky armor on the sides!
My friend won prizes at a game
At last year’s Carnivore.
I’m practicing my pitching aim
For “Dunk the Dinosaur.”
I heard there will be funnel cake,
And frozen ice cream treats.
That might give it a tummy ache--
It’s better off with meats.
The Carnivore!  It sounds so rad!
I’d better go prepare!
It sure beats what my last school had--
Just some old boring Fair.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Second String Knights

When there’s a fierce maid or a dragon to save,
The Round Table fights the good fights!
But when they are tired, or slightly less brave,
They send in the second string knights!

And sometimes they triumph and conquer in battle,
And sometimes their courage comes quicker,
But mostly they clamor and cower and prattle
And quarrel and squabble and bicker.

“I just had a lookout,” Sir Veyor confirms.
“The enemy’s taking position!”
“They’re not taking me!” old Sir Vivor affirms.
“I’m making it home from this mission!”

“I’m sure that they’ve got us,” Sir Rounded proclaims,
“They’ve gathered around on all sides!”
“How big is the circle?!” Sir Cumference exclaims.
“I just like to know,” he confides.

“There’s no way around them?” demands Sir Cumvent.
Sir Mountable claims “They’re too large!
We could pay them off if our gold is unspent!”
“Their fees are too high,” says Sir Charge.

Sir Passing declares, “I’m the bravest of all!
Most handsome and wise and genteel!”
Sir Prizes jumps out from behind a stone wall!
“Demonic Fish Pants!” yells Sir Real.

The enemy closes, the knights bicker on,
And no one’s a proper defender.
Until, as the evening gives way to the dawn,
They send in their last hope:  Sir Render.

Monday, July 7, 2014

It's No Picnic

If you go down in the woods today,
Oh, there’s a surprise for you!
If you go down in the woods today,
You’ll need your W-2.
For every bear who heeds the bear laws
Has coffee brewed and ink on his paws.
Today’s the day the teddy bears do their taxes!

Every teddy bear who’s been good
Is hoping for money back.
They’re filing early just like they should
To make the “No Audit” stack.
Upon the line, they date and they sign.
They hope next year the rate will decline.
Oh that’s the way the teddy bears do their taxes!

Taxes time for teddy bears!
The tired teddy bears are filling out tons of forms today!
Watch them write off fur repairs,
And claim exemptions for their fluff decay!
See them take a work expense--
Twelve bucks and forty cents
For tables and tiny chairs!
At six o’clock accountants and lawyers will take the forms away,
Because they’re due to the bear upstairs.

If you go down in the woods today, 
You’ll need a ledger and pen.
It’s frantic down in the woods today,
File all your receipts again!
For every bear from Ruxpin to Gund
Is hoping for a massive refund!
Today’s the day the teddy bears do their taxes!

Friday, July 4, 2014

Independence Day

“It’s Independence Day, my boy,” the Glorb said to his son.
“The day we celebrate the freedom that our planet won!
We tell the well-remembered story of our Founding Goo,
And wear the planetary colors:  Fraxle, Klax, and Blue.
With voices loud and grobles raised in most triumphant manner,
We proudly sing our anthem, ‘The Corangle Spurkled Banner.’
And then the yearly picnic where we roast the captured meat,
Plus all the beer and zookle-on-the-cob that you can eat!”
And then he dipped his tentacle into a bowl of chips,
And pointed at the viewscreen, toward a fleet of Glorban ships.
The fleet had settled into place around a blue-green globe.
The broadcast was transmitted live by interstellar probe.
“And plus, I get a half day off!  It’s one of our new perks.
Now grab and drink and squish back down.  Here come the fireworks!”

Thursday, July 3, 2014

The Ballad of Barbecue Dad

In the blistering heat of the sweltering sun,
By the best grill that money can buy,
Stands a man with a plan and a plate and a bun:
It’s Dad on the Fourth of July!

He stands tall and chipper, the flipper in hand,
Oh, no one cooks better or faster!
He’d match his grill skills with the best in the land!
His apron reads “Fear the GRILL MASTER!”

A grin curls his lip as he heads into battle,
He throws on the chicken and steaks.
The children grab plates and they line up like cattle,
When something above the earth quakes!

The sky has grown dark and the clouds have drawn in,
And yet, no one dares to complain.
Dad shakes his big head and he broadens his grin,
And says “It’s not going to rain.”

It rains.  How it rains!  Not a drop or a dozen,
But buckets and rivers and showers!
And every last sibling and uncle and cousin
Crowds into the kitchen and cowers.

Not Dad.  Oh, not Dad!  Not this hero of old,
This bold and invincible fella!
Before one hot coal has a chance to go cold,
He’s back with his mighty umbrella!

And there, underneath the magnificent dome
That says “Johnson’s Golfing Supplies,”
A conqueror stands, still defending his home,
The fury of war in his eyes!

The lightning!  The downpour!  The flooding!  The thunder!
The heat and the billows of smoke!
Just one small mistake, just the tiniest blunder,
And Grill Master surely will choke!

His apron is sopping, his eyebrows are dripping,
The smoke is obscuring his vision.
But Dad just keeps prodding and poking and flipping,
With laser-like speed and precision.

Until one by one each filet is well done,
Each drumstick is perfectly charred,
Each burger and wiener atop its own bun,
And Dad splashes through the backyard.

With grace and with skill he departs from the grill,
His trophy the topped off meat platter.
The Lord of the Manor!  The King of the Hill!
The Man with the Very Full Bladder!

“Ha ha!” Dad proclaims, “Feast your eyes on the feast!”
He lays down the triumph he brings.
He hopes for applause--an ovation at least--
But just then the front doorbell rings.

“Hooray!” cry the children!  “Thank God!” says Aunt Fran!
Dad falters a little and shivers.
He peers through the window and spies a white van
Marked “Paulie’s Pan Pizza Delivers!”

“I thought . . . just in case . . .” Mom begins to explain.
Dad drips from his toes to his collars.
“Oh, honey, my purse is at work.  Where’s my brain?
Can you give me forty-three dollars?”

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Nature Walk

Pine cone, pine cone, on the tree,
Do you have a wish for me?
Pebble, pebble, on the ground,
Do you know where love is found?
Flower, flower, blooming bright,
Take the wrongs and make them right.
Birdie, birdie, on my head,
Please go somewhere else instead.
Snaily, snaily, on my shoes,
Thanks for that long trail of ooze.
Pollen, pollen, on the breeze,
Here comes yet another sneeze!
Rain cloud, rain cloud, pouring down,
Still another mile to town!
Puddles, puddles, on the street,
Splashing through to soak my feet.
Front door, front door, now in view!
Do you know how I love you?
Scream that’s heard both far and wide--
House keys, house keys, locked inside.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Hole in My Wall

There’s a hole in my wall, and it looks pretty neat.
My dad said it looks like a truck.
My sister said, “Looks like your big ugly feet.”
The baby just stared and said “Duck!”
My cousin said, “Looks like the wing of a plane,”
My grandpa said, “Who’s that old crone?”
My friend said it looks like an overgrown brain,
My brother said “Leave me alone.”
My weird Uncle Joe said “It looks like Marie
Who busted me out of the slammer.”
My mom said, “You know what it looks like to me?
It looks like I’m taking your hammer.”

Tuesday, June 17, 2014


I’ve got such nasty hiccups!  Oh, they really make me s-hic!
It’s like a spell’s been cast upon me, or some dirty tr-hic!
I searched online to find a cure.  I gave the mouse a cl-hic!
It said to scare myself--I gave a big balloon a pr-hic!
But that just freaked my cat out.  Now she’s got a nervous t-hic!
I tried some other cures as well--I gave my nose a fl-hic!
I burned a candle at both ends and ate the blackened w-hic!
I tried to l-hic! a sl-hic! red br-hic! while on a pogo st-hic!
But nothing worked--oh, someone help me!  Fix these hiccups qu-hic!
Before I lose my self-control again and blaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!  Oh, ick.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Word Problems

Billy has two apples.
Johnny has two more.
If both of them eat half their apples,
Where’s the dinosaur?

Train A leaves from Baltimore
At ninety miles an hour.
How long ’til Train B
Feels even fresher in the shower?

Susie has ten pudding cups
But only seven spoons.
Watch as all the caterpillars
Build their own cocoons!

If two-fifths of a birthday cake
Is greater than a slice,
Give the wheel a spin and win
A chance to spin it twice!

All my students failed the test.
They’re not as smart as me!
Why, I can even write exams
While watching my TV!

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Growing Out My Mustache

I’m growing out my mustache.
I haven’t shaved all year.
I’m growing out my mustache 
So it spreads from ear to ear.
Imagine how I’ll twirl it!
Imagine all the loops!
Just like a hairy roller coaster--
Hills and dives and swoops!
I may look like a garden gnome,
Or some cave dwelling troll.
I bet I’ll scare the neighbors
When I take my evening stroll.
I promise I’ll shampoo it
So it gets a golden sheen
The mousies who will nest there
Would appreciate it clean.
I’ll wear a mustache harness 
So it helps me bear the weight.
I’ll tie it in a bow-tie
When I go out on a date.
Sometimes I’ll trim it into shapes,
A facial topiary--
The Loch Ness Monster Mustache,
Seldom seen, but mighty scary!
When I curl up the edges,
I’ll have hangers for my shirts.
Oh my ginormous ‘stache will be
So beautiful it hurts!
I’m growing out my mustache
It’s the best idea I’ve had.
I haven’t shaved in seven months.
It’s half an inch--not bad!

The Weak End

Are you ready for the weak end,
Now that all your work is through?
Are you ready for the weak end?
Oh, it’s ready just for you!
Are you ready for the weak end?
Oh we’re sure to have such fun.
Hope you’re ready for the weak end,
Here it is.

Sunday, May 11, 2014


Crash!  Thud!  Splatter!  Boom!
Playtime up in junior’s room!
Smash!  Bang!  Shatter!  Tear!
Wonder what he’s doing there?
Stomp!  Whoosh!  Ripping Noise!
Guess it’s nothing--you know boys!
Maybe we should check--your turn!

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Mother's Day

“It’s Mother’s Day--let Mommy sleep!”
Well, that’s what Daddy said.
But while she counted all her sheep,
I made breakfast in bed!

I cracked two eggs all by myself,
I stirred them into flour.
I got some sugar from the shelf,
For Super Sweetness Power!

I mixed up all the batter,
And I shook the sugar shaker.
I got the blue step-ladder
And got down the waffle maker.

I burned the first one, then one more,
But then I burned them less.
I squeezed an orange from the drawer
And made some juice . . . I guess.

I cut up some bananas
With my ninja-like technique.
I used that plate from Nana’s--
I was careful--it’s antique!

And now it’s time to shout out loud
And show her what I’ve done!
Oh, Mom will be so very proud
Of me, her honey-bun!

I’ll cry out “Happy Mother’s Day!”
She’ll hug me while she eats!
I made breakfast in bed!  Hooray!
Now someone change my sheets!

Sunday, April 27, 2014


Take a cup of chicken soup,
Add an artichoke,
Half a pound of taco meat,
Leave a while to soak.
Then a spoon of peanut butter
And some chocolate chips,
Seven oatmeal cookies,
And a pan of bacon drips.
Half a cup of Mango Madness
Juice-Free Fruity Drink™.
Also squeeze the sponge from
Underneath the kitchen sink.
Empty out the crushed red pepper--
Needs a little kick!
Throw in that leftover cheese
That made old Rover sick.
Bake it on five-hundred
For an hour and a quarter.
Frost it with a pudding skin,
With beans around the border.
Place it in the middle of
The special crystal dish.
Bring it to the table,
Light the candles, make a wish!
Watch him take a bite and say,
"The best I ever had!"
See him fighting back the teardrops?
Happy Birthday, Dad!

Monday, April 21, 2014

Breathe In

Breathe in the world as you walk yourself through.
Breathe in the scent on the air.
Breathe in the green and the yellow and blue.
Breathe in the light everywhere.

Breathe in the wishes, the cares and the dreams,
Breathe in the troubles as well.
Breathe in the truth when it’s not what it seems,
Breathe in each whisper or yell.

Breathe in the bicycles, buses, and cars,
Breathe in the hum of the street.
Breathe in the twinkles that fall from the stars,
Breathe in the grass by your feet.

Breathe in the promises, broken and whole,
Breathe in what’s precious to you.
Breathe in the laughter that lifts up your soul,
Breathe in banana bread, too.

Breathe in the world, all the good and the bad,
Breathe in the hope and the doubt.
Breathe in what’s happy.  Breathe in what’s sad.
And then, when you’re ready, breathe out.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Summer Fun

Put on your bathing suit.
Take off those slippers.
Here is your snorkel,
And here are your flippers.
Smear on some sunscreeen,
Where is your hat?
Please take your swim goggles
Off of the cat!
Here’s a big towel,
And here’s your sunglasses.
What did I do with
Our public beach passes?
Blow up these water wings,
Pack up some juice.
Tighten your drawstring
So it won’t come loose.
Put on more sunscreen,
The dog licked it off.
If you wear nose plugs,
You won’t have to cough.
Go tell your brother
To get in the car.
Help find my car keys,
Wherever they are.
Go get your shovel 
To dig in the sand.
Oh, here’s my car keys!
They’re here in my hand!
Put on your seat belts!
We’re off with a ZOOM!
What?  Summer’s over?  
Well . . . go clean your room.

Our Top Story Tonight

Your face is washed, your teeth are brushed, you’ve got your bedtime shoes,
Good evening, kids, and welcome to the Nightly Night-Night News.
We dig beneath the surface to report your stories right--
I’m Malcolm Lupe Grant, and here’s our top story tonight.

An older woman in her home was ruthlessly attacked--
Her house was robbed, her food was eaten, property ransacked.
A struggle seems to have begun with pushin’ and with shovin’.
The older woman was discovered trapped inside her oven.
The footprints of two children were discovered in her kitchen--
Police have just released her name:  Grunhildamina Witchen.
The only lead--a trail of breadcrumbs--seems to have gone cold--
So lock your cookie house up tight if you’re alone and old.

Related news--a home invading vagrant’s on the prowl,
A local family of three first told the Daily Growl.
“We’d just stepped out,” the Papa said, “to have our evening stroll.
We came back home and found a smashed up chair and empty bowl.
We went upstairs and found out that our window had been crept in--
A yellow hair was left upon the bed that she had slept in.”
Police are setting girl-traps that will snatch her out of sight.
Log on and take our poll:  Too harsh?  Too lenient?  Or just right?

Security was breached tonight inside the Royal Palace.
Police are not yet certain if the act was done in malice.
A social function was disturbed by some gate-crashing teen:
The uninvited guest could not afford a limousine.
Instead she pulled up in a pumpkin painted like a carriage.
With jars upon her feet, she sought the Prince’s hand in marriage.
Preliminary test results showed no intoxication,
Though trace amounts of “Fairy G” deserve investigation.

That’s all the news until the morning.  Thanks for tuning in.
I’m Malcolm Lupe Grant, and here’s my famous toothy grin.
“Up Late with Rumpelstiltskin”’s next, with music, talk, and laughter.
Good night, and may tomorrow bring you happily ever after.

Saturday, March 29, 2014


My dad said it’s important that you pay back what you borrow.
“My son,” he said, “forgetting debts can only lead to sorrow!”
And so, because my dad is wise, I promptly pay each debt.
There’s not a thing I’ve borrowed that I haven’t paid back yet!
When you loaned me a dollar for a pretzel at the fair,
I paid you back in pennies--ninety-seven!  Almost there!
When you loaned me an egg so I could finish my soufflé,
I only used the inside.  I returned the shell!  Hooray!
I did return your turbo-charged electric ear hair groomer--
That’s not MY dog’s hair clogging up the parts.  It’s just a rumor!
And when I took your dental floss, I didn’t want to swindle.
I used it, wiped it off, then wound it back around the spindle!
It may sound like I haven’t paid back everything I took.
It may sound like I haven’t evened out the balance book.
But next time that you loan me something, I will make it right.
I’ll pay you back a little extra, just to be polite.
Hey, can I have a tissue?  I’ve got allergies galore!
I swear I will return it--plus a little something more.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

"Do You Want?"

“Do you want to eat some peas?”
“Do you want to eat some cheese?”
“Do you want to wear your pants?
“Do you want to do a dance?”
“Do you want to watch TV?”
“Or your kitty DVD?”
“Do you want a red balloon?”
“Or a visit to the moon?”
“Do you want to have a nap?”
“Or a story in my lap?”
“How about a bowl of grapes?”
“You could help me clean the drapes!”
“Do you want to spin around?”
“Throw your crayons on the ground?”
“Do you want to bathe the dogs?”
“Stuff the toilet ’til it clogs?”

“Well, what DO you want to do?”
“Should I hug and cuddle you?”

 . . .