Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Dear Santa,

I don't want a lot for Christmas,
Just a couple things I'd like.
I don't need a cell phone charger,
Or a brand new motorbike. 
Just some peace upon the earth,
And some goodwill, if you please. 
And about a hundred pounds 
Of fine, imported Gouda cheese. 

Just the basics, don't you know,
Love and warmth for all to share,
Hope and light for all the world,
Seven wheels of Camembert,
Joy and goodness all around,
Maybe a nice Christmas party,
Plus a bathtub filled with Brie,
And a room of ripe Havarti. 

Santa, when you're down the chimney,
Opening your peddler's pack,
Please be sure it's full of cheddar,
Provolone, and Spicy Jack. 
Also, kindness and good cheer
To all who dwell within this house. 

Don't forget a couple crackers. 

Yours sincerely,
Tim the Mouse

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Special Dietary Needs Thanksgiving

Late November once again,
Thanksgiving time is near!
I can’t recall the last time when
The family’s all been here.

And this year, it’s our turn to host
The big Thanksgiving meal,
So rev your oven up to roast,
But listen—here’s the deal:

Mom’s a vegetarian,
So get the tofu ready.
Steve’s a pastafarian,
So whip up some spaghetti!

Uncle John prefers his turkey
Stringy, dry, and plain.
Little John—that kid’s so quirky—
Can’t eat any grain.

Jill and Ken can’t get enough
Of Auntie Lynn’s tomatoes.
David hates the crumbly stuff
On grandma’s sweet potatoes.

Grandpa won’t touch any food
That comes from overseas.
Unless you’re in a fighting mood,
Toss out the English peas.

Susan’s girlfriend can’t stand rice—
She says that it’s too starchy.
Save the darkest turkey slice
For second cousin Archie!

Dad will go ballistic if 
There’s anything with gluten.
Joe hates pie—can’t take one whiff—
So make a big fig newton.

And don’t forget the lactose issue
Bothering us all.
We have some extra toilet tissue
Stockpiled in the hall.

You get all that?  Okay, thanks hon!
Let’s get that dinner made!
Just call me when the food is done—
It’s time for the parade!

Monday, October 12, 2015

Day Off

Hooray!  Hooray!  I’m off today!
No need to go to work!
It’s some dead big shot’s holiday—
A day to lounge and shirk!

An extra hour or two in bed,
Then breakfast on the couch.
Why put on pants?  I think, instead,
I’ll scratch and sag and slouch.

My “Elf Lord Seven” DVD
Has tons of bonus features.
I’ll settle in for hour three
Of “Building Squishy Creatures.”

And then a game show marathon,
And then two hours of “Friends."
Just sitting with my bathrobe on—
The wonder never ends!

And when my hunger comes on strong,
When my remote-hand quivers,
I’ll voice-dial and, before too long,
The Chinese place delivers!

And when my boss calls up to shriek,
All huffy, gruff, and mad,
To say the holiday’s next week,
Well, I won’t be too sad.

He’ll say if I don’t come in soon,
I can’t come in tomorrow.
Has anybody got cartoons
On Blu-Ray I can borrow?

Sunday, August 23, 2015


Call off the search party, call off the dogs!
Stop turning over the leaves and the logs!
Pay the detectives and send them all packing!
Tell all the trackers to stop all the tracking!
Un-drain the river and patch up the plumbing!
Fire the psychics!  (They won’t see it coming.)
Call back the army, the navy, marines!
Turn off the lost-thing-detector machines!
Somehow the search just got larger and larger,
But send them all home now--I found my phone charger!

Friday, August 7, 2015

Buried Treasure Restaurant

Looking for a restaurant the family will enjoy?
A theme to please each grandma, grandpa, parent, girl, and boy?
Then come on down to "Buried Treasure," just off exit eight--
You'll get a map, a shovel, and an hour to fill your plate!
You start at Parrot Island--that's the hostess desk, of course--
Then follow Monkey River to the temple at its source. 
Retrieve the Key of Ages if the door is not ajar--
(Be careful of the dressing spill beside the salad bar)--
Then seven paces west inside the Shrine of Destiny,
Turn left beside the Waterfall of Doom near table three,
Then get your shovel out, my friend, and dig the Sandy Shore--
(Be careful not to dig too hard--we just re-did the floor).
And if you've followed carefully along the treasure map, 
Unravelled every riddle and avoided every trap,
You'll find the Golden Treasure buried deep below the sands--
The finest plate of onion rings in all the Hidden Lands!
No time to stop and eat them, for your quest has just begun--
You'll have to find your entree and dessert before you're done!
So come to "Buried Treasure" now before it's all been looted. 
The challenges are on the house, but tips are not included. 

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

It Was Okay

Mom said, “How was school today?”  
I said, “It was okay.”
She said, “Come on, now, what’d you do?”  
I said, “I got an A.”
“An A?” she gasped, “Hooray for you!”  
I said, “It’s no big deal.
I copied all the answers that 
Samantha let me steal.”
She raised an eyebrow, glared at me, 
And said, “Let’s hear the rest.”
I heaved a sigh and said, 
“I couldn’t study for the test.
You see, I was exhausted 
From the running that we did.”
“In gym?” she asked. 
“No, no,” I said, “away from Dino-Kid!”
“From what?!” said Mom. 
“This kid,” I answered, “in a T-Rex suit.
He chased us down the hallway
With a bear in hot pursuit!
It turns out they were all dressed up 
To do the Winter Play.
They didn’t mean to scare us, 
But they had to run away!”
“From what?!” said Mom.  “The bees!” I said.  
Mom asked, “The play as well?”
“No, real bees from a beehive.  
Hold your horses, and I’ll tell.
The science class had bees today 
To study how they work,
And Ryan knocked them over—
Boy, he’s such a little jerk.
But Ryan couldn’t help it, 
’Cause the sirens freaked him out.”
“The sirens?!” Mom exploded.  
“Yeah, to put the fire out!
The fire engines got there 
When the fire bells went off—
The smoke was hot and black and thick 
And made us choke and cough.”
“What caused the fire?” Mom demanded.  
“Cooking class,” I said.
“They left the oven on too hot 
And burned up all the bread.
I guess they got distracted 
By the elephants and clown—
Who knew the circus train was gonna 
Knock the classroom down?
They probably were startled 
By the Bigfoot on the track,
Or maybe from the ninjas 
Starting up their sneak attack.”
“Hold on,” said Mom, “these things all happened 
At your school today?”
“Uh-huh,” I said.  “It’s like I said before.  
It was okay.”

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Do It Yourself

Get me a plunger, get me a wrench,
Grab me the rag that’s on top of the bench.
Hand me a screwdriver, give me a hand,
Pull on this flexible black rubber band.
Go find a clothespin, a clamp, or a clip,
Hand me a sponge to go under this drip.
Bring me the pliers, give it a flush,
Go get some towels to soak up the gush!
Get me a bucket! Get me a mop!
Get me a wizard to make it all stop!
Throw me a trash can—I don’t care what size!
Toss me some goggles, it got in my eyes!
Go find my raincoat, my boots and umbrella!
Why does this goo look like fresh mozzarella?!
Find me a wet-vac with turbo-charged pump!

Wednesday, July 29, 2015


Go to sleep, my little one,
Rest your little heads. 
Spread your seven tentacles
Upon their tiny beds. 

The suns are setting in the sky,
Your busy day is done. 
Your planets all are conquered,
And your reign has just begun.

The screams of all your enemies
Are drifting through the deep. 
Your warships cannot be outgunned,
So close your eye and sleep. 

Tomorrow there will be new worlds
To plunder, blast, and crush. 
Your human's nestled at your side,
Now snuggle him and hush. 

And if your fears should wake you,
Or if you should toss and turn,
Just think of all the puny little
Planets that you'll burn!

So sleep well, little overlord,
The galaxy's your toy.
One day you'll grow as strong as me!
So dream of that, my boy!

Monday, July 27, 2015

Previously On

Previously on "Space Crusader," Captain Stone was trapped!
The power matrix on the Starship Jefferson had snapped!
The Kastorax Armada had our noble crew surrounded!
The shields were losing power as the phase torpedoes pounded!
Meanwhile, across the galaxy, the Emperor of Tran
Was hatching his most underhanded evil master plan!
If he could sabotage the Matrix of All Time and Space,
The Galaxy would fall beneath his Reptile Master Race!
But little did he know that Doctor Phylo and his crew
Had found a wormhole to the other side of Sector Two!
And using this new shortcut, plus some subterfuge and tricks,
They'd laid a trap to send the Emperor to Sector Six!
On top of this, Commander Reilly and Lieutenant Steeple
Had broken their engagement and were seeing other people!
And Sub-Lieutenant Norrell had discovered that his cousin
Was married to a Labradon, with puppies by the dozen!
But unbeknownst to all of them, the Universe was tattered!
If no one patched the Threads of Time, then nothing really mattered!
If only the one Starship that could fix this situation
Could free itself from Queen Cortexa's Holo-Simulation!
And that's the recap--sorry, but it's all the time we've got.
Be sure to join us next week when we might advance the plot!

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

A Royal Pain

The church bells rang, the choirs sang, the rice was strewn about.
A team of silver horses drove the wedding carriage out.
But when, at last, the wedding night arrived in all its glory,
The Prince learned “ever after”’s the beginning of the story.

All tucked in bed, the Princess said, “Goodnight, sweet prince, goodnight.”
But soon her legs were twitching—clearly something wasn’t right.
“My love, my life, what troubles you,” the Prince asked of his bride.
She answered not, but turned and kicked him squarely in the side.

“What ho?!” he shouted as her flailing feet attacked him twice.
“My love,” she said, “I’m sorry, but I think that it’s the rice!
The rice thrown by the revelers as we did take our leave—
It’s made its way into our bed, on this our wedding eve!”

The gallant prince pulled back the thousand thread-count silken sheet,
And found a solitary grain of rice beside her feet.
He brushed it off.  “Fear not, dear heart, ’twas but a lowly sprinkle!”
Back down lay he.  “Ahem,” said she, “The blanket has a wrinkle.”

He smoothed it, but before he had a chance to rest his crown,
She said, “I think my pillow’s got a little too much down.”
Three feathers did he pluck out from beneath her pillow case.
“And also, dear, one knot unravelled from my nightgown’s lace!”

He sighed, and tied the tiny string with hands so quick and nimble.
“My sheet has got a tiny lump just like a fairy’s thimble!”
He grumbled and he grunted, but he pressed it good and flat.
He closed his eyes until she said, “My love, I hear a gnat!”

And as he lit a candle to go searching for the pest,
It dawned on him that this was just the first night of the rest.
Perhaps a princess isn’t all that she’s cracked up to be—
If only he had wed a maid who hadn’t felt the pea!

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Brotherly Advice

I know that it's your first time to dress up for trick or treating.
I'll only pass this wisdom on just once, with no repeating.
So listen up, young brother in your superhero tights--
A monster stalks us in the dark on these enchanted nights. 
Be careful of the Phantom when we're out on Halloween.
He's dangerous and deadly, though he never has been seen.
You'll always sense his presence as you go from door to door,
He's always lurking, always hungry, always wanting more.
And as you walk the block with that thin mask upon your face,
You'll feel a movement near you as you swing your pillowcase.
You'll walk a little faster--half an instinct, half a hunch.
A rush of wind, a rustle, and a dread-inducing crunch!
And when you peer into your bag upon the neighbor's lawn,
The shock will stop you in your tracks--your candy is half gone!
You'll gape in horror at the awful slaughter that you're viewing,
And on the wind, you'll swear you hear the subtle sound of chewing.
And when Dad says, "Hey kids, let's go!  The night is just beginning!"
It's safer not to ask yourself the reason why he's grinning.

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Live Your Dreams!

I asked my teacher for advice. 
He said, "Go live your dreams!"
Well, after trying once or twice,
It's harder than it seems!

I tried to start with something easy--
Pizza pillow case!
It made a bunch of greasy cheesy
Splotches on my face. 

So then I tried another dream,
Where I'm a killer droid. 
I shot Dad with my Terror Beam--
He barely got annoyed!

My best dream is the rooftop one--
The breeze is soft and cool.
My dreams make flying so much fun--
Good thing we've got a pool!

I tried my weirdest dream of all--
I'm riding on a poodle,
We hit a cliff, but as we fall
We're rescued by a noodle.

The noodle turns into a shoe
Who knits a rainbow sheep!
(I dream this when I play with glue
Before I fall asleep).

But when I tried to ride on Finn,
He snarled and tried to bite. 
And mom cooked all the noodles in
A casserole tonight. 

At last I tried one in my reach,
An easy dream to dare--
I went to class and gave a speech
In just my underwear!

I thought my teacher would be proud!
I did just what he said!
"I lived my dreams!" I screamed out loud,
But he just shook his head. 

So my advice to you, my friend?
Go live your dreams!  It's cool!
But hide the mail the day they send
A note home from your school. 

Friday, July 3, 2015

Five-Minute Pickle Delivery Service!

All out of pickles? Your sandwich is dry?
Well, call our new hotline and give us a try!
Just pick up the phone now, no need to be nervous.
Call Five-Minute Pickle Delivery Service!

In under five minutes, no joke, guaranteed,
We'll speed to your side with the side dish you need!
Some slices, some stackers, a half, whole, or spear--
Don't pick up your pickles; we pack them up here!

And then, with our patented pickle-shaped trucks,
We bring you your order for just fifty bucks!
The sweet ones!  The hot ones!  A nice kosher dill!
In under five minutes, we'll bring you your fill!

There's no competition, we're awfully clever!
We've poured all our savings into this endeavor!
Plus two business loans and some money from Dad
To bring you the fastest best pickles you've had!

Stop moping and go give your cell phone a tickle--
Five minutes, and you'll have a smile and a pickle!
And call back next week when we proudly unveil
Our "We're In A Pickle" Store Bankruptcy Sale!

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

One-Time Time Machine

I bought a One-Time Time Machine.
It only makes one trip.
It takes the laws of time and space
And makes a tiny rip.

Just one small voyage back in time,
Or forward, if you choose,
Then home again all safe and sound—
Oh, what is there to lose?

My brother Teddy told me
I should see the dinosaurs.
“They’ll eat you up,” he laughed,
“And I won’t have to hear your snores!”

And Lizzy, that’s my sister, said 
“Go tug on Lincoln’s beard!
I bet it feels like kitty cats!”
She’s seven and she’s weird.

My dad said “Go to yesterday
And take the garbage out!"
“And while you’re there,” my mom chimed in,
“Eat up that Brussels sprout!”

My Uncle Steve said “Careful, kid,
The time-stream can be fickle!"
And Grandpa said, “When I was young
The movies cost a nickel!"

I said, “I’ll try the future! 
I can see the planet’s DOOM!”
Then Dad said, “Just make sure you’re back
In time to clean your room.”

And then they started shouting 
Every time that that could think.
"The Stone Age!" "Nineteen-Eighty-Three!"
"That time Mom's hair was pink!"

"The next big Lotto drawing!"
"Shakespeare's England!" "Renoir's France!"
"That time you went to school with
Chocolate pudding down your pants!

But in the end, I chose alone. 
I only had one shot!
One chance to travel in
The One-Time Time Machine I got!

I went back to this afternoon—
I couldn’t stand the fighting—
And I un-bought the Time Machine.
But BOY was it exciting!

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Did You Know?

I bet you think you're pretty smart. 
You know a lot of stuff!
You've studied every list and chart,
But do you know enough?

Take, for example, honey bees. 
Did you know that they sing?
They hum a tune in different keys
For everyone they sting. 

And did you know the Eiffel Tower
First was made of rope?
A June bug lives for just an hour!
Did you know that?  Nope!

Abe Lincoln had a tiny bird
He kept beneath his hat. 
It wrote his speeches--every word!
Were you aware of that?

And did you know that grapes contain 
A tiny speck of gold?
And penguins chew on sugar cane
To keep from getting cold?

I bet you didn't know that worms
Blow bubbles on the breeze. 
A corn flake has three times more germs
Than in the wettest sneeze. 

And so, my friend, please stay in school!
There's lots that you don't know yet!
Like how to keep from being fooled
By such a silly poet. 

Monday, June 22, 2015

Where Are We?

Where are the lions? Where are the bears?
Where are the zebras and pigs?
Where is the seven foot boa constrictor?
Where is the badger who digs?

Where are the meerkats? Where’s the okapi?
Where are the friendly giraffes?
Where is that funny old bird from Australia
Who hides in the treetops and laughs?

Where is the gift shop? Where are the snacks?
Where are the goats you can pet?
How come I’ve been here an hour already
And haven’t seen animals yet?

And why does that banner say “Back to School Sale”?
And who is this mob shoving through?
And why does my dad keep on rubbing his forehead
And crying out, “Lord, what a zoo!

Friday, June 19, 2015


Blueberry Raspberry Strawberry Cake!
Delicious to munch on, but tricky to make!
You measure the flour, so powdery white,
But where’s the strawberries?  We ate them last night!
Blueberry Raspberry Cake-ity cake!
You’ll love every succulent berry-full flake!
Just one cup of sugar, a teaspoon of salt—
You smushed the raspberries?  Now how’s that my fault?!
Blueberry Cake-ity Cake-ity cake!
Go preheat the oven, get ready to bake.
Don’t tell me—there’s something I think we’ve forgotten.
The blueberries! Right! They were moldy and rotten!
Cake-ity Cake-ity Cake-ity Cake!
The oven is broken?  Oh, gimme a break!
Just go grab some spoons, there’s no need to be flustered—
We’ll all have some Cake-ity Cake-ity Custard!

Thursday, June 18, 2015

The Martians Are Coming!

The Martians are coming! The Martians are coming!
A full-scale invasion is near!
The Martians are coming! The Martians are coming!
Run madly in panic and fear!

The Martians are coming! The Martians are coming!
Oh, sound the alarms and alerts!
The Martians are coming! The Martians are coming!
Foil-line all your hats, pants, and shirts!

The Martians are coming! The Martians are coming!
Their saucers are headed this way!
The Martians are coming! The Martians are coming!
Prepare the Defender Array!

The Martians are coming! The Martians are coming!
Beware their green tentacle legs!
The Martians are coming! The Martians are coming!
Don't let them implant you with eggs!



The Marshalls are coming?  The Marshalls are coming?
Our neighbors Diane and Jerome?
The Marshalls are coming!  The Marshalls are coming!
Turn out all the lights--we're not home!

Monday, June 15, 2015

Suit Yourself

Are you sick of menswear stores that tell you what to wear?
Where store clerks flip their lids if you mis-fold a pocket square?
Would you like a brand new look that stands out from the pile?
Then come on in to Suit Yourself—where you decide the style!

At Suit Yourself, you mix and match from every size and fashion
To build an outfit up from scratch that’s worthy of your passion.
Come ransack, tumble, toss, and raid our king-sized inventory
And whip up something bold, unique, that helps to tell your story.

You need a new ensemble for the corporate Christmas dance?
This pinstripe jacket would look smashing with those tiger pants!
And what about these leather boots?  They come in Plum or Peach.
Or, if you’re feeling up to it, you might try one of each!

How ’bout this ruffled dress-shirt from a key-lime green tuxedo?
These jeans have got a foil-lined pocket just for your burrito!
Our animal balloon vest really pulls out all the stops,
And, with our bubble-pants, I swear that outfit really pops!

Our Jungle Jacket line is all the rage in things sartorial,
With clean lines, classic tailoring, and prints a bit arboreal.
If you’re a tad conservative, well, we can work with that.
Try on this charcoal-three-piece with the rainbow-pinwheel hat!

Go grab a double-handful from Sock Mountain in the back,
Then close your eyes and randomize and spin the Mystery Rack!
At Suit Yourself, it’s up to you to craft your clothes conjunction.
So come on down and put the “fun” back in “wardrobe malfunction!”