Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Special Dietary Needs Thanksgiving

Late November once again,
Thanksgiving time is near!
I can’t recall the last time when
The family’s all been here.

And this year, it’s our turn to host
The big Thanksgiving meal,
So rev your oven up to roast,
But listen—here’s the deal:

Mom’s a vegetarian,
So get the tofu ready.
Steve’s a pastafarian,
So whip up some spaghetti!

Uncle John prefers his turkey
Stringy, dry, and plain.
Little John—that kid’s so quirky—
Can’t eat any grain.

Jill and Ken can’t get enough
Of Auntie Lynn’s tomatoes.
David hates the crumbly stuff
On grandma’s sweet potatoes.

Grandpa won’t touch any food
That comes from overseas.
Unless you’re in a fighting mood,
Toss out the English peas.

Susan’s girlfriend can’t stand rice—
She says that it’s too starchy.
Save the darkest turkey slice
For second cousin Archie!

Dad will go ballistic if 
There’s anything with gluten.
Joe hates pie—can’t take one whiff—
So make a big fig newton.

And don’t forget the lactose issue
Bothering us all.
We have some extra toilet tissue
Stockpiled in the hall.

You get all that?  Okay, thanks hon!
Let’s get that dinner made!
Just call me when the food is done—
It’s time for the parade!

Monday, October 12, 2015

Day Off

Hooray!  Hooray!  I’m off today!
No need to go to work!
It’s some dead big shot’s holiday—
A day to lounge and shirk!

An extra hour or two in bed,
Then breakfast on the couch.
Why put on pants?  I think, instead,
I’ll scratch and sag and slouch.

My “Elf Lord Seven” DVD
Has tons of bonus features.
I’ll settle in for hour three
Of “Building Squishy Creatures.”

And then a game show marathon,
And then two hours of “Friends."
Just sitting with my bathrobe on—
The wonder never ends!

And when my hunger comes on strong,
When my remote-hand quivers,
I’ll voice-dial and, before too long,
The Chinese place delivers!

And when my boss calls up to shriek,
All huffy, gruff, and mad,
To say the holiday’s next week,
Well, I won’t be too sad.

He’ll say if I don’t come in soon,
I can’t come in tomorrow.
Has anybody got cartoons
On Blu-Ray I can borrow?

Sunday, August 23, 2015


Call off the search party, call off the dogs!
Stop turning over the leaves and the logs!
Pay the detectives and send them all packing!
Tell all the trackers to stop all the tracking!
Un-drain the river and patch up the plumbing!
Fire the psychics!  (They won’t see it coming.)
Call back the army, the navy, marines!
Turn off the lost-thing-detector machines!
Somehow the search just got larger and larger,
But send them all home now--I found my phone charger!

Friday, August 7, 2015

Buried Treasure Restaurant

Looking for a restaurant the family will enjoy?
A theme to please each grandma, grandpa, parent, girl, and boy?
Then come on down to "Buried Treasure," just off exit eight--
You'll get a map, a shovel, and an hour to fill your plate!
You start at Parrot Island--that's the hostess desk, of course--
Then follow Monkey River to the temple at its source. 
Retrieve the Key of Ages if the door is not ajar--
(Be careful of the dressing spill beside the salad bar)--
Then seven paces west inside the Shrine of Destiny,
Turn left beside the Waterfall of Doom near table three,
Then get your shovel out, my friend, and dig the Sandy Shore--
(Be careful not to dig too hard--we just re-did the floor).
And if you've followed carefully along the treasure map, 
Unravelled every riddle and avoided every trap,
You'll find the Golden Treasure buried deep below the sands--
The finest plate of onion rings in all the Hidden Lands!
No time to stop and eat them, for your quest has just begun--
You'll have to find your entree and dessert before you're done!
So come to "Buried Treasure" now before it's all been looted. 
The challenges are on the house, but tips are not included. 

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

It Was Okay

Mom said, “How was school today?”  
I said, “It was okay.”
She said, “Come on, now, what’d you do?”  
I said, “I got an A.”
“An A?” she gasped, “Hooray for you!”  
I said, “It’s no big deal.
I copied all the answers that 
Samantha let me steal.”
She raised an eyebrow, glared at me, 
And said, “Let’s hear the rest.”
I heaved a sigh and said, 
“I couldn’t study for the test.
You see, I was exhausted 
From the running that we did.”
“In gym?” she asked. 
“No, no,” I said, “away from Dino-Kid!”
“From what?!” said Mom. 
“This kid,” I answered, “in a T-Rex suit.
He chased us down the hallway
With a bear in hot pursuit!
It turns out they were all dressed up 
To do the Winter Play.
They didn’t mean to scare us, 
But they had to run away!”
“From what?!” said Mom.  “The bees!” I said.  
Mom asked, “The play as well?”
“No, real bees from a beehive.  
Hold your horses, and I’ll tell.
The science class had bees today 
To study how they work,
And Ryan knocked them over—
Boy, he’s such a little jerk.
But Ryan couldn’t help it, 
’Cause the sirens freaked him out.”
“The sirens?!” Mom exploded.  
“Yeah, to put the fire out!
The fire engines got there 
When the fire bells went off—
The smoke was hot and black and thick 
And made us choke and cough.”
“What caused the fire?” Mom demanded.  
“Cooking class,” I said.
“They left the oven on too hot 
And burned up all the bread.
I guess they got distracted 
By the elephants and clown—
Who knew the circus train was gonna 
Knock the classroom down?
They probably were startled 
By the Bigfoot on the track,
Or maybe from the ninjas 
Starting up their sneak attack.”
“Hold on,” said Mom, “these things all happened 
At your school today?”
“Uh-huh,” I said.  “It’s like I said before.  
It was okay.”

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Do It Yourself

Get me a plunger, get me a wrench,
Grab me the rag that’s on top of the bench.
Hand me a screwdriver, give me a hand,
Pull on this flexible black rubber band.
Go find a clothespin, a clamp, or a clip,
Hand me a sponge to go under this drip.
Bring me the pliers, give it a flush,
Go get some towels to soak up the gush!
Get me a bucket! Get me a mop!
Get me a wizard to make it all stop!
Throw me a trash can—I don’t care what size!
Toss me some goggles, it got in my eyes!
Go find my raincoat, my boots and umbrella!
Why does this goo look like fresh mozzarella?!
Find me a wet-vac with turbo-charged pump!

Wednesday, July 29, 2015


Go to sleep, my little one,
Rest your little heads. 
Spread your seven tentacles
Upon their tiny beds. 

The suns are setting in the sky,
Your busy day is done. 
Your planets all are conquered,
And your reign has just begun.

The screams of all your enemies
Are drifting through the deep. 
Your warships cannot be outgunned,
So close your eye and sleep. 

Tomorrow there will be new worlds
To plunder, blast, and crush. 
Your human's nestled at your side,
Now snuggle him and hush. 

And if your fears should wake you,
Or if you should toss and turn,
Just think of all the puny little
Planets that you'll burn!

So sleep well, little overlord,
The galaxy's your toy.
One day you'll grow as strong as me!
So dream of that, my boy!