Wednesday, October 8, 2014


The trap doors are ready,
The springs are all loaded,
The video camera is on.
A storm of spaghetti
Will soon be exploded
All over the booby-trapped lawn.
I’ve set up the hose
And the buckets of ice,
I’ve greased all the slippery spots.
I’ve emptied my nose
On the door handles—twice!
I’ve tied all the leg-snaring knots.
There’s whipped cream pre-shaken,
And tons of trip wires,
A robot who pulls off your pants,
A vat full of bacon,
And hidden bonfires,
And mountains of flesh-eating ants!
Those punks and their leaders
Will never expect it!
I’ll post their misfortunes online!
And soon, trick-or-treaters
Will learn to respect it—
The “Take JUST ONE CANDY, Please” sign!

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Pirates of the Talent Show

Ahoy there, me buckos, come pull up a seat!
Ignore all the screamin’ below.
Kick up both yer peg legs, yer in for a treat—
The Pirate Variety Show!

An evenin’ of playin’ and singin’ and dancin’,
Occasional murder, and more!
Our talented crew is enchantin’, entrancin’,
And barred from appearin’ on shore!

There’s Whistlin’ Bill with the gap in his maw—
He blows a three minute sonata.
Then Sea Serpent Stephen unhinges his jaw
And does the full Kraken Cantata.

Ye’ll laugh at the antics of Old Pickled Peter—
A barrel o’ brandy he drank!
He plays Marco Polo and Follow The Leader
While stumblin’ about on the plank.

Up next is Blind Johnny who does a fine trick—
He juggles ten razor-sharp knives.
Our guests in the front row may feel a slight prick,
But most will escape with their lives.

Ventriloquist Joe does an act that’s first rate
Beneath all the billowin’ sails.
He uses the help of our late great first mate
To show that dead men DO tell tales!

And who’s that off stage with the glint in his eyes?
Oh, try not to give ’im a look.
Why that there’s the Cap’n.  He silently spies
Just waitin’ to give ’em the hook.

Sunday, August 3, 2014


Turn on the sirens and raise up the shield!
Make sure the plasma containment is sealed!
Lock down the primary neutron collector!
Reroute the charge from the hydro-injector!
Prep the emergency life-support system!
Get down to sickbay and try to assist them!
Get the Disruptor Ray ready to fire!
How many Proton Bombs did we acquire?!
Lock every weapon on, show them we’re armed!
Give them one chance to escape this unharmed!
“Attention intruder ship in the War Zone:
We won’t buy more cookies.  Now leave us ALONE!”


Your friends cannot help you.
Your teachers don’t know.
The principal sent you away.

Your mom saw you coming
And sternly said “No.”
Your dad simply sighed “Not today.”

Your grandparents nodded
And patted your head.
I guess that’s the way that it goes.

So go and find out
For yourself now instead:
How many beans fit in your nose?

Thursday, July 31, 2014

First Day of School

It’s after six-thirty, get out of the bed!
You’ve had the whole summer to drool!
Put on that nice outfit and go comb your head--
It’s time for the first day of school!

I know that you’re nervous, we do this each year,
But trust me, it’s gonna be great!
The kids will adore you, there’s nothing to fear!
Now get in the car, ’cause we’re late!

Just go be yourself and I’m sure you’ll do well.
You always play nicely with others.
And if those mean girls keep on saying you smell,
Just tell me and I’ll call their mothers.

But what if they tease you and pull down your pants
And draw on your butt with a pen?
Oh sweetie, come on!  Make new friends!  Take a chance!
They won’t do the same things again!

Okay, here we are, get on out of the car.
Now don’t you look handsome and clever?
Oh, who wouldn’t like you?  My own special star!
The very best principal ever!

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Miss Fortune

Come into my parlor and pull up a chair.
Sit down by the big crystal ball over there!
You seem a bit lost and quite troubled, my dear,
But I see your future--there’s nothing to fear!
The hands of the fates hover over our meeting,
So open your mind, and I’ll give you a reading.

☺︎ Good news is arriving today in the mail. ☺︎
☺︎ He who prepares not is destined to fail. ☺︎

☺︎ A journey of love and adventure is waiting. ☺︎
☺︎ A wise man takes action without hesitating. ☺︎

☺︎ Step out of the shadows--your future is sunny! ☺︎
☺︎ A friend needs your comfort--hold onto your money. ☺︎

☺︎ The higher the mountain, the better the view. ☺︎
☺︎ A pleasant surprise is soon coming to you. ☺︎

But wait, there is more from the realms of beyond.
Oh spirits!  Oh hear me!  I beg you, respond!

Your numbers are one, three, and seventeen--WOW!
In Chinese, a “Gooseberry” is “mí hóu táo”!

Oh, don’t you feel better?  Your fortune’s been told!
Now pay me and leave--my lo mein’s getting cold!

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Tow and Shell

Today’s the day for tow and shell, and all the glids are kad.
They cling to brass the troolest ceasures that they ever had!
Yoey brought a jo-jo that went stown upon its dring.
Plara brought her carrot that she taught to salk and ting.
Crankie brought his facing rar that treeds along the spack.
Tauna brought her shurtle with the dolka-botted pack.
Fougie brought his bather’s doxers with the hiant gole.
Gusan brought her sift from Clanta Saus--a cump of loal!
Tichard brought his beddy rear he nuddles every cight.
Dretchen brought her grawing of a knagon and a dright.
And me?  I didn’t thring a bing!  I just ratched all the west.
I’m buch too musy framming cor the teekly welling spest!