Sunday, July 17, 2016

Opening Presents


We scooped all the ice cream, we ate all the cake,
We played “Pin The Tail On Aunt Sue” by mistake.
But then came the best part, the best birthday fun!
I opened the presents up—every last one. 
A board game—“Pants Island”—whatever that is. 
Some flash cards for school called “Geometry WIZ!”
Three pairs of pajamas, some little race cars,
Some glow in the dark non-restickable stars,
A dinosaur t-shirt, a purple kazoo,
A video game: “Panda-Monium TOO!”
Two gift cards, a washcloth, a blue pencil gripper,
A pink sleeping bag with a dangerous zipper,
A little plush frog with a surly appearance,
And clothes that were labeled “Slight Damage” and “Clearance.”
“These presents are lousy,” I said with a sigh,
Then one final package attracted my eye.
I ripped off the paper, I gave a small squeal!
“It’s just what I wanted! It's here! And it's real!
My very own jump-action, super-transforming,
With thermal-ray blaster, (both cooling and warming),
Defense-O-Bot 3000, Model X-4!”
I smiled ’til my smilers were saggy and sore. 
“It’s awesome!” I shouted. “I just can’t believe…”
And that’s when the birthday boy’s dad made me leave. 
“You weren’t invited,” he snarled with a shout. 
“So next time, just drop off your kid and GET OUT!”

Saturday, July 16, 2016

Bob's Banned Books


Come on down to Bob's Banned Books!
We've got the books you need!
The ones your local library
Will never let you read!
But you can show 'em! Fight the power!
Stand up for yourselves!
Come right here to Bob's Banned Books
And buy them off the shelves!
There's "Growing Your Own Tarragon"--
Now there's a spicy tale!
And check out "Mountain Lakes That Look
A Little Like A Whale"
"George the Monkey Files His Taxes"
"Cats That Aren't Cute"
"Barry Popper and the Magic
Plagiarism Suit"
"Fifteen-Second Mysteries
A Parakeet Could Solve"
"Sweater Patterns That Are Bound 
To Tangle or Dissolve"
All these books they've tried to ban
Are stocked here at my store!
Didn't whet your appetite?
Well how 'bout several more?
There's "Christmas Comes To Steubenville"
And, not to be outdone,
"A Big Hawaiian Hannukah"
For twice the winter fun.
"The Pricing Guide for Oven Mitts
Embroidered with a Cow"
"A Thousand Wacky Facts 
You Could Have Google Searched By Now."
All these and more at Bob's Banned Books--
Buy now! You won't get caught!
(The former site of Bob's Deep Discount
Books That No One Bought)

Thursday, July 14, 2016

"Thy Song": A Pop-Sonnet


'Tis odd, this sentiment within my breast.
My deep desires -- O! I fail to hide!
If gold, in place of dust, could fill my chest,
A castle grand is where we would abide.
If I, like Michelangelo of old,
Could hew the living rock into thy form,
Or if my potions at the fair were sold,
But nay ... my song is what shall keep thee warm.
Though verdant or of azure, I know not,
No sweeter eyes have 'ere before met mine.
Forgive these trifles I have quite forgot,
Proclaim it to the world, this song is thine!
I prithee, do not mind my scroll unfurled.
'Tis wonderful that thou art in the world.

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Visions in the Night


A blue one, a gold one,
A pop and a spark.
They shimmer and shine
In the sky in the dark. 
A green one, a silver,
A swirling bright tail,
A huge one that fades to 
A ghostly smoke trail,
A long one, a strong one,
And one with a grin,
Plus one that sends shivers
All over my skin. 
They burn for an instant,
Then puff into steam,
These demons that chase me
Each night when I dream.

Sunday, July 3, 2016

Order Now!


It slices! It dices! It cuts through a can!
It cooks like an oven, but cleans like a pan!
It boils seven eggs in three seconds or less!
No hassle! No problem! No clean up! No mess!
It shines all your windows and keeps your fruit crisp!
It re-packs your luggage and smooths out your lisp!
Are you sick and tired of tying your shoe?
And how many times has THIS happened to you?
If you order now you will also receive
This amazing craft book: “Forty Wigs You Can Weave!”
Plus seven screwdrivers, two wrenches, one slipper,
The JuiceBot 3000™, a grilled tofu flipper,
A gallon of purple Peruvian honey,
For six easy payments of all of your money!
Call now! We can promise complete satisfaction!
(By calling, you waive rights to all legal action.)



Friday, July 1, 2016

The Failsville Mall


Every store is closing in the Downtown Failsville Mall.
Going out of business—every kiosk, shop, and stall. 
“Going Hatty”’s headed nowhere, “Shoe Shed” stepped outside. 
“Spice It Up” is out of season, “Chick-Fill-U” got fried. 
“Just Cigars” and “Pipe-O-Rama” both went up in smoke.
“Candle Island” made no scents, and “Window Heaven”’s broke. 
“Ugly Shirts and Mismatched Sneakers” never stood a chance,
Still, they held out longer than “Joe's Holey Discount Pants!”
“Cram-A-Cookie” crumbled, and the “Y” closed just because. 
No one seemed to want to know what “Victor's Secret” was. 
Even the McDonald’s closed—that’s rare as rare can be!
(Of course, this one was “Old McDonald Had A Pharmacy”). 
But “Bob’s Half-Price Store-Closing Signs” can’t keep ’em on the shelves!
If stores keep closing at this rate, they’ll never close themselves!

Thursday, June 30, 2016

The Fairy Godfather


Oh, poor Cinderella had nothing at all—
No dress and no jewels and no chance for the ball!
She shook her head sadly and started to cry,
When POOF! Standing there in a pressed shirt and tie
With a cool black fedora, a dozen gold rings,
Was a Fairy Godfather with tiny silk wings.
He made her an offer she couldn’t refuse—
A stylish new dress and some shiny new shoes—
Then said, with a tug on his fine tailored suit,
“Now hold on, 'cause here comes the rest of the loot!”
He pulled out two necklaces covered with gems,
Huge earrings, gold bracelets, and said “How ’bout dems?”
And when Cindy asked him the source of her luck?
“Don’t worry about it. They fell off a truck.
There’s more where that came from and no way to track ’em.
And hey—those two sisters—you want I should whack ’em?”
The grin on her face has been there ever since—
Forget that rich royal—she just found her prince!