Monday, July 16, 2018

A Healthy Romance

If I were a potato 
Growing down beneath a tree,
I’d always keep my eyes peeled 
Just to find the one for me. 

And if I were a cornstalk 
Growing golden up above,
I’d give the world an earful 
Just to find the one I love. 

Oh if I were a broccoli in love, 
I’d just adore it!
I’d point my car toward romance 
And, my darling, I would floret!

If I were but a pepper, 
I’d hope love would ring my bell. 
And if I were a cabbage, 
I might lose my head as well!

Oh and if I were a carrot, 
Then true love is what I’d root for. 
And if I were bamboo, 
Why then you know it’s what I’d shoot for. 

But since I am a fungus, 
And it’s you that I adore,
I hope that you’ll accept these puns—
There’s not mushroom for more!

Friday, June 22, 2018

No Time To Rhyme!

There’s no time to rhyme today,
No time at all!
I woke up two hours too late.

I slipped from the shower spray,
Had a great fall,
And burned half the food on my plate!

The traffic was frightening,
Ungodly, unreal!
A truck of canned turnips exploded!

A big bolt of lightning—
A clap and a peal!
And all of the lights overloaded!

And now I’m at work
And the boss is approaching
To royally chew out my hide.

That big stupid jerk
Is reproaching, encroaching,
It just boils my bran flakes inside!

So there’s no time to rhyme today.
Sorry, old friend!
My glossary’s stuck on its shelf.

But hey, it’s okay,
You can mend this loose end!
You’ll just have to fend for yourself!

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

Master of Allusion!

Here for every party need,
No holiday exclusion,
He’ll entertain you, guaranteed!
The Master of Allusion!

There’s nothing he won’t reference
As he weaves his magic spell.
No work he won’t show deference
As he wows his clientele.

He’s sharper than a serpent’s tooth
And fast as Mr. Fusion!
More radical than John Wilkes Booth— 
The Master of Allusion!

Behold how like a wizard
He entrances and delights!
He’s clever as a gizzard!
Curtain up and light the lights!

Like Han, he’s just a solo act—
He swears there’s NO COLLUSION!
An Indy-worthy artifact,
The Master of Allusion!

His mind is vast, his will is strong,
His gray stuff is delicious!
And when he’s done, he bids “So long,
And thanks for all the fishes!”

And then beams out, disapparates,
In clouds of thick confusion.
He’s also, as his webpage states,
A Master of Elusion!

Wednesday, May 23, 2018

Not Sold in Stores!

It slices, it dices, it chips, and it chops,
It perfectly grills any cheese!
It clears and it washes, it sweeps and it mops,
It folds all the laundry with ease!

It dusts and it polishes, takes out the trash,
And restocks the pantry tout de suite!
It fixes a salad for four in a flash,
Without even missing a beet.

It juices, it squeezes, it instantly freezes,
And cleans it all up in a snap!
It shaves and it waxes! It plucks and it tweezes!
It puts away all of your crap!

It’s handy!  It’s dandy!  It’s worth any price!
It’s certainly not sold in stores!
And what do we call this delightful device?
It’s YOU, dear, now go do your chores!

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Grocery Panic! (Alabama Edition)

Grab some milk and get that bleach!
Cans of soup, ten dollars each.
Come on people, do your part,
Got to load the shopping cart!
Beans and rice, and rice and beans,
Hot dog buns and tangerines,
Shop until your legs are sore!
Empty out the grocery store!
Ice cream, white bread, diet cola,
Thirteen pounds of bulk granola,
Note cards, light bulbs, batteries,
One of every kind of cheese,
Tapioca, ginger root,
All remaining Kiwi fruit!
Faster, now, before they rot!
Food for Fido! Food for Spot!
Pre-made chicken, batter-fried!
Shove your rivals to the side!
No time to be nice today!
Winter storm is on its way!
Quickly, now, we’re in a pinch—
They say we’ll get a quarter inch!

Sunday, December 31, 2017


Next year I will conquer more
And smite my enemies.
Next year I will just ignore 
Their puny mewling pleas.
Next year I will show persistence,
Decimate my foes.
Next year I will CRUSH resistance,
All who would oppose!
Next year I’ll command my fleet
And dominate the world.
All will tremble at my feet
When next year’s plan’s unfurled. 
But tonight I’ll bathe the cat
And give green beans a try. 
Mom said if I can’t do that
I’m grounded ’til July!

Sunday, December 17, 2017


Look there, on the horizon, how it rises from the land,
With mystic deep significance we’ll never understand.
A timepiece? Temple? Garden sculpture? Act of sweet revenge?
It might be all, it might be none.  Behold, the Great ToyHenge!
At least a dozen plush toys form its monumental base;
They’re topped by seven “Ultra Battle Frogs from Outer Space.”
Plus several hundred Legos and some upright building blocks,
A brand new “SeƱor Tater Man” who’s still inside his box,
Two dolls, a couple Jedis, twenty-seven tiny trucks,
Assembled killer robots and assorted rubber ducks,
Some balls and wands and ponies and this thing that lights and spins,
A puzzle cube that everybody hates and no one wins,
The tokens from a board game that was lost to ages past,
And heaps of plastic bric-a-brac to wow and flabbergast.
The untrained eye might easily mistake it for a pile,
But ToyHenge holds deep mysteries that bother and beguile.
And every day it lingers, and its makers’ legend grows.
Who they were, or what they all were doing, no one knows.
But legend tells that they’ll return to put it all away—
Within the next ten minutes, or there’s no dessert today!