Friday, April 29, 2016

Campfire Story


Come closer, my boy, and I’ll tell you a tale
To make your bones shiver and shout.
A dozen brave men journeyed into the woods,
And not one among them came out!

Some say they got lost on a poorly marked trail,
Some say that an animal got ’em.
Some say that they wandered too close to the cliff
And plummeted down to the bottom.

And some say they met up with Johnny Hook Hands,
Or Bob with the bear traps for feet.
Or Sad Sticky Steve with the Super-Glue fingers
From whom there’s no hope of retreat.

But some say the story is creepier still—
They say they were snatched by the trees.
And sometimes, my boy, if you listen real close,
You still hear their screams on the breeze.

We may never know what became of those men.
Oh theirs is a sad tale of woe.
But sure as you’re born, we won’t see them again—
They left twenty minutes ago!

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Hail to the Cheese


My fellow Americans, guests large and small,
And friends from each country and nation,
I’m humbled and honored to welcome you all:
The Banquet of Inauguration!

The battle was tough, but we won the election.
I’m free, now, to do as I want.
I’ve just made my first Presidential Selection,
The absolute best restaurant!

So come to the table, the food’s almost ready—
No business tonight, if you please.
Just breadsticks and pizza, a side of spaghetti,
And games all night at Chuck E. Cheese™!

There’s Pac-Man and Frogger and Q-Bert and Pong!
And all the great hits of the eighties!
I’ll kick all your butts if we play Donkey Kong—
My score’s higher than the First Lady’s!

Who cares if the system is rigged or unstable
Or if the economy’s broken?
My stimulus package is right on the table—
You each get a shiny free token!

The pizza is steaming! The robots are singing!
There’s no bitter partisan rancor!
Oh, check out the cake that the First Mom is bringing!
With sparklers!  (Remember to thank her.)

And I get to throw the Inaugural Ball—
I’ll make it go right up the ramp!
Right into five thousand—Commander of ALL!
(Unless my right hand gets a cramp).

The head of the Treasury counts every ticket,
She’ll get you the prizes you choose—
Some spider rings, finger traps, or, if you pick it,
Some sweet Presidential Tattoos!

Tonight we’re one Party, one Nation united!
Be sure that you clean up your mess!
Next week at the Steak Shack, you’re all re-invited:
The State of the Onion Address!

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Birthday Cake?


Close your eyes and make a wish,
Blow out every candle,
Scoop a serving on your dish—
Not too much to handle!

Puddle-shaped and slightly goopy,
Melty, warm, and sticky.
Crusty outside, middle soupy,
Eating this is tricky!

Use a fork or use a spoon?
Try a spork instead!
Spreading like a food lagoon—
Sop it up with bread!

So much time to mix and bake,
And now it’s smeared upon ya—
Next year maybe wish for cake
Instead of a lasagna!

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Dear Santa,


I don't want a lot for Christmas,
Just a couple things I'd like.
I don't need a cell phone charger,
Or a brand new motorbike. 
Just some peace upon the earth,
And some goodwill, if you please. 
And about a hundred pounds 
Of fine, imported Gouda cheese. 

Just the basics, don't you know,
Love and warmth for all to share,
Hope and light for all the world,
Seven wheels of Camembert,
Joy and goodness all around,
Maybe a nice Christmas party,
Plus a bathtub filled with Brie,
And a room of ripe Havarti. 

Santa, when you're down the chimney,
Opening your peddler's pack,
Please be sure it's full of cheddar,
Provolone, and Spicy Jack. 
Also, kindness and good cheer
To all who dwell within this house. 

Don't forget a couple crackers. 

Yours sincerely,
Tim the Mouse

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Special Dietary Needs Thanksgiving


Late November once again,
Thanksgiving time is near!
I can’t recall the last time when
The family’s all been here.

And this year, it’s our turn to host
The big Thanksgiving meal,
So rev your oven up to roast,
But listen—here’s the deal:

Mom’s a vegetarian,
So get the tofu ready.
Steve’s a pastafarian,
So whip up some spaghetti!

Uncle John prefers his turkey
Stringy, dry, and plain.
Little John—that kid’s so quirky—
Can’t eat any grain.

Jill and Ken can’t get enough
Of Auntie Lynn’s tomatoes.
David hates the crumbly stuff
On grandma’s sweet potatoes.

Grandpa won’t touch any food
That comes from overseas.
Unless you’re in a fighting mood,
Toss out the English peas.

Susan’s girlfriend can’t stand rice—
She says that it’s too starchy.
Save the darkest turkey slice
For second cousin Archie!

Dad will go ballistic if 
There’s anything with gluten.
Joe hates pie—can’t take one whiff—
So make a big fig newton.

And don’t forget the lactose issue
Bothering us all.
We have some extra toilet tissue
Stockpiled in the hall.

You get all that?  Okay, thanks hon!
Let’s get that dinner made!
Just call me when the food is done—
It’s time for the parade!

Monday, October 12, 2015

Day Off


Hooray!  Hooray!  I’m off today!
No need to go to work!
It’s some dead big shot’s holiday—
A day to lounge and shirk!

An extra hour or two in bed,
Then breakfast on the couch.
Why put on pants?  I think, instead,
I’ll scratch and sag and slouch.

My “Elf Lord Seven” DVD
Has tons of bonus features.
I’ll settle in for hour three
Of “Building Squishy Creatures.”

And then a game show marathon,
And then two hours of “Friends."
Just sitting with my bathrobe on—
The wonder never ends!

And when my hunger comes on strong,
When my remote-hand quivers,
I’ll voice-dial and, before too long,
The Chinese place delivers!

And when my boss calls up to shriek,
All huffy, gruff, and mad,
To say the holiday’s next week,
Well, I won’t be too sad.

He’ll say if I don’t come in soon,
I can’t come in tomorrow.
Has anybody got cartoons
On Blu-Ray I can borrow?

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Lost


Call off the search party, call off the dogs!
Stop turning over the leaves and the logs!
Pay the detectives and send them all packing!
Tell all the trackers to stop all the tracking!
Un-drain the river and patch up the plumbing!
Fire the psychics!  (They won’t see it coming.)
Call back the army, the navy, marines!
Turn off the lost-thing-detector machines!
Somehow the search just got larger and larger,
But send them all home now--I found my phone charger!