Saturday, August 19, 2017

If You Speak

If you speak for hope and laughter,
Random acts of love,
If you speak for kindness
And the radiance thereof,
If you speak for beauty 
In each person that you see,
If you speak for all these things,
Why, then, you speak for me. 

If you speak for those without,
Or those who've lost their way,
If you speak for making something
Better every day,
If you speak for mercy
Even to the smallest flea,
If you speak for charity,
Why, then, you speak for me. 

And if you should have troubles
Or be battered by the storm,
Or if the hearth of fellowship
Should fail to keep you warm,
If the darkness closes in
With everything you do,
And if your voice is small and weak,
Then, friend, I'll speak for you. 

Friday, August 4, 2017

Ode to an Ode

O Ode, thou perfectest of all expression,
Thy words well-chosen and thy structure sound
Enable the most intimate confession

Of thoughts which otherwise would soon be drowned
Beneath the sea of fortune, still and black
Against whose shores my heart would run aground.

Thou ruminateth like the chewing yak
On any object which hast thou inspired—
An objet d’art or — ah — a fresh Big Mac.

And O, the truth and beauty thou hast sired
Would render wisdom to the lunatic. 
O Ode! O Form! O Poem most admired!

Yet still, for just a naughty little kick,
Thou matchest not the dirty limerick.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

The Pains of Love: A Sonnet

Oh love, how I do suffer to be thine,
With sharp afflictions tormenting my form.
Without thy love, the shivers rush my spine
Like biting frozen cake I thought was warm.
The longing of my heart, it pulls at me
Much like my sock doth tug my hanging nail.
Thou knowest not how I have burned for thee,
Like chili pepper scorching my entrail.
The pain I feel, how reminiscent of
My neck’s mild pang from sleeping on it funny.
If thou shalt not consent to share my love,
I’ll melt with sorrow like a nose that’s runny.
I hope my meaning thou canst soon unriddle—
I dieth for thy love, but just a little.

Monday, July 31, 2017

Your Weather Forecast

It’s looking like a tricky night for weather in the city.
There’s lots of trouble on the way, and travel won’t be pretty.
The chance we'll get some thunderstorms is sixty-five percent,
Plus winds that make you say some words you’d given up for Lent.
The chance of snow’s at four percent, and three percent it’s sleet,
And two percent it’s little tiny flecks of luncheon meat.
It’s likely you’ll see dime-sized hail, no matter where you are—
Plus one just like a bowling ball that lands upon your car.
Expect to hit the tail end of a Category Four,
So stock up on your bleach and milk and white bread at the store.
We should get bolts of laser rain descending from the sky,
Plus streaks of fire that reek of angry judgment from on high.
We’ve made this nightly forecast with the best tools that we’ve got.
The chance is one percent it’s true, and ninety-nine it’s not.

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Side Effects May Include

You may develop headaches which will last for several hours. 
You may break out in tiny hives before your daily showers. 
A ring of greenish suction marks may show up on your tongue. 
Your nose may tingle slightly at the scent of ferret dung. 
A prejudice may cross your mind against select Norwegians. 
You may imagine rows of ants along your nether regions. 
You'll either feel extreme fatigue and loss of appetite,
Or else your eyes will see through space and time with super-sight. 
Your face may swell to seven times its customary size. 
A tribe of angry polka dots may colonize your thighs. 
But once your spleen grows back and all your taste buds have stopped twitching,
Then if this drug does what it should, your armpit should stop itching!

Friday, July 28, 2017

What if?

What if there’s a blizzard? Or seven feet of rain?
What if giant lizard men come down to eat my brain?
What if all my pets escape and run into the woods?
What if pirates come and plunder all our neighborhoods?
What if a tornado comes and whooshes us away?
What if a tomato monster squooshes me today?
What if there’s a nest of mole rats living in my hair?
What if there’s a massive problem in my underwear?
What if I get super powers and a super mission?
What if I get jelly babies stuck in my transmission?
What if our internal organs all swell up and BURST?!

Would we still have this test today?
We would?
Ugh, you’re the worst.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Crazy Glorch’s Discount Wands!

Attention witches, wizards, gnomes, and mermaids from the ponds—
Why pay top price?  Come down to Crazy Glorch’s Discount Wands!
At Syllamander’s Shoppe you’re paying mainly for the label.
But we’ve got wands at wholesale costs—dirt cheap, and mostly stable!
Check out this fine mahogany with core of Griffin feather—
It cuts through cans and frying pans and thickest dragon leather!
It’s polished with a sasquatch pelt to never lose its shine!
It’s yours for just three payments of eleven ninety-nine!
This Wand-o-Matic ULTRA is the new must-have invention—
With Spell-Check, texting, hexting, it’s the latest in pretension!
And try this mammoth narwhal tusk for giants, oafs, and trolls—
It gives the user whale-sized strength, plus shiny new blowholes!
This little hollow plastic one we call The MollyCoddler—
It makes a gentle whooshing noise—just perfect for your toddler!
And then there’s our deep discount bin, for when the budget’s tight.
They’re two for twenty, three for free, and seven just for spite.
The crooked wand’s a bargain if you like to go kablooey,
This chocolate one won’t do much, but the nougat center’s chewy.
Here’s one that’s just a plain old stick, this one’s a rawhide bone,
This “wand” is a banana you can play with like a phone.
At Crazy Glorch’s Discount Wands we offer no returns.
Our store is not responsible for scorches, scars, or burns.
Come down for Merlin Madness Day—the biggest sale all year!
Shop now before these beauties—and these prices—disappear!