Saturday, July 4, 2015

Live Your Dreams!

I asked my teacher for advice. 
He said, "Go live your dreams!"
Well, after trying once or twice,
It's harder than it seems!

I tried to start with something easy--
Pizza pillow case!
It made a bunch of greasy cheesy
Splotches on my face. 

So then I tried another dream,
Where I'm a killer droid. 
I shot Dad with my Terror Beam--
He barely got annoyed!

My best dream is the rooftop one--
The breeze is soft and cool.
My dreams make flying so much fun--
Good thing we've got a pool!

I tried my weirdest dream of all--
I'm riding on a poodle,
We hit a cliff, but as we fall
We're rescued by a noodle.

The noodle turns into a shoe
Who knits a rainbow sheep!
(I dream this when I play with glue
Before I fall asleep).

But when I tried to ride on Finn,
He snarled and tried to bite. 
And mom cooked all the noodles in
A casserole tonight. 

At last I tried one in my reach,
An easy dream to dare--
I went to class and gave a speech
In just my underwear!

I thought my teacher would be proud!
I did just what he said!
"I lived my dreams!" I screamed out loud,
But he just shook his head. 

So my advice to you, my friend?
Go live your dreams!  It's cool!
But hide the mail the day they send
A note home from your school. 

Friday, July 3, 2015

Five-Minute Pickle Delivery Service!

All out of pickles? Your sandwich is dry?
Well, call our new hotline and give us a try!
Just pick up the phone now, no need to be nervous.
Call Five-Minute Pickle Delivery Service!

In under five minutes, no joke, guaranteed,
We'll speed to your side with the side dish you need!
Some slices, some stackers, a half, whole, or spear--
Don't pick up your pickles; we pack them up here!

And then, with our patented pickle-shaped trucks,
We bring you your order for just fifty bucks!
The sweet ones!  The hot ones!  A nice kosher dill!
In under five minutes, we'll bring you your fill!

There's no competition, we're awfully clever!
We've poured all our savings into this endeavor!
Plus two business loans and some money from Dad
To bring you the fastest best pickles you've had!

Stop moping and go give your cell phone a tickle--
Five minutes, and you'll have a smile and a pickle!
And call back next week when we proudly unveil
Our "We're In A Pickle" Store Bankruptcy Sale!

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

One-Time Time Machine

I bought a One-Time Time Machine.
It only makes one trip.
It takes the laws of time and space
And makes a tiny rip.

Just one small voyage back in time,
Or forward, if you choose,
Then home again all safe and sound—
Oh, what is there to lose?

My brother Teddy told me
I should see the dinosaurs.
“They’ll eat you up,” he laughed,
“And I won’t have to hear your snores!”

And Lizzy, that’s my sister, said 
“Go tug on Lincoln’s beard!
I bet it feels like kitty cats!”
She’s seven and she’s weird.

My dad said “Go to yesterday
And take the garbage out!"
“And while you’re there,” my mom chimed in,
“Eat up that Brussels sprout!”

My Uncle Steve said “Careful, kid,
The time-stream can be fickle!"
And Grandpa said, “When I was young
The movies cost a nickel!"

I said, “I’ll try the future! 
I can see the planet’s DOOM!”
Then Dad said, “Just make sure you’re back
In time to clean your room.”

And then they started shouting 
Every time that that could think.
"The Stone Age!" "Nineteen-Eighty-Three!"
"That time Mom's hair was pink!"

"The next big Lotto drawing!"
"Shakespeare's England!" "Renoir's France!"
"That time you went to school with
Chocolate pudding down your pants!

But in the end, I chose alone. 
I only had one shot!
One chance to travel in
The One-Time Time Machine I got!

I went back to this afternoon—
I couldn’t stand the fighting—
And I un-bought the Time Machine.
But BOY was it exciting!

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Did You Know?

I bet you think you're pretty smart. 
You know a lot of stuff!
You've studied every list and chart,
But do you know enough?

Take, for example, honey bees. 
Did you know that they sing?
They hum a tune in different keys
For everyone they sting. 

And did you know the Eiffel Tower
First was made of rope?
A June bug lives for just an hour!
Did you know that?  Nope!

Abe Lincoln had a tiny bird
He kept beneath his hat. 
It wrote his speeches--every word!
Were you aware of that?

And did you know that grapes contain 
A tiny speck of gold?
And penguins chew on sugar cane
To keep from getting cold?

I bet you didn't know that worms
Blow bubbles on the breeze. 
A corn flake has three times more germs
Than in the wettest sneeze. 

And so, my friend, please stay in school!
There's lots that you don't know yet!
Like how to keep from being fooled
By such a silly poet. 

Monday, June 22, 2015

Where Are We?

Where are the lions? Where are the bears?
Where are the zebras and pigs?
Where is the seven foot boa constrictor?
Where is the badger who digs?

Where are the meerkats? Where’s the okapi?
Where are the friendly giraffes?
Where is that funny old bird from Australia
Who hides in the treetops and laughs?

Where is the gift shop? Where are the snacks?
Where are the goats you can pet?
How come I’ve been here an hour already
And haven’t seen animals yet?

And why does that banner say “Back to School Sale”?
And who is this mob shoving through?
And why does my dad keep on rubbing his forehead
And crying out, “Lord, what a zoo!

Friday, June 19, 2015


Blueberry Raspberry Strawberry Cake!
Delicious to munch on, but tricky to make!
You measure the flour, so powdery white,
But where’s the strawberries?  We ate them last night!
Blueberry Raspberry Cake-ity cake!
You’ll love every succulent berry-full flake!
Just one cup of sugar, a teaspoon of salt—
You smushed the raspberries?  Now how’s that my fault?!
Blueberry Cake-ity Cake-ity cake!
Go preheat the oven, get ready to bake.
Don’t tell me—there’s something I think we’ve forgotten.
The blueberries! Right! They were moldy and rotten!
Cake-ity Cake-ity Cake-ity Cake!
The oven is broken?  Oh, gimme a break!
Just go grab some spoons, there’s no need to be flustered—
We’ll all have some Cake-ity Cake-ity Custard!

Thursday, June 18, 2015

The Martians Are Coming!

The Martians are coming! The Martians are coming!
A full-scale invasion is near!
The Martians are coming! The Martians are coming!
Run madly in panic and fear!

The Martians are coming! The Martians are coming!
Oh, sound the alarms and alerts!
The Martians are coming! The Martians are coming!
Foil-line all your hats, pants, and shirts!

The Martians are coming! The Martians are coming!
Their saucers are headed this way!
The Martians are coming! The Martians are coming!
Prepare the Defender Array!

The Martians are coming! The Martians are coming!
Beware their green tentacle legs!
The Martians are coming! The Martians are coming!
Don't let them implant you with eggs!



The Marshalls are coming?  The Marshalls are coming?
Our neighbors Diane and Jerome?
The Marshalls are coming!  The Marshalls are coming!
Turn out all the lights--we're not home!