Saturday, July 19, 2014

Door-to-Door Dan


Oh no one on earth is as gallant or grand
As Door-to-Door Dan with the Super-Sized Hand.
This salesman walks boldly from castle to shack,
Approaches the front door and gives it a whack.
The thunderous clap from his mountainous fist
Rings up to the heavens and cannot be missed!
As strong as an elephant, equally wide,
Dan’s mighty right hand calls the people inside.
They shudder in fear, but soon run to the door
To greet him before he can knock anymore.
Before they can squeak out the tiniest word,
Like “My, you’re surprisingly well-manicured!”
Dan crackles his knuckles, his fingers all twitch,
And swiftly and smoothly he starts up his pitch.
Dan lives like an emperor hawking his wares--
His patented line of front doorway repairs.


Friday, July 18, 2014

The Fine Print


This coupon entitles the bearer to ice cream--
One single-dip-sugar-cone FREE!*

*This offer is limited, one to a customer,
No “coupon-back guarantee.”
Void where prohibited, void where illegal,
And void between ten and three-thirty.
Void if the coupon is copied or damaged
Or wrinkled or smelly or dirty.
The general manager at your location
May tell you the coupon’s declined.
If this is the case, fill out form seven-twenty,
And have it both witnessed and signed.
The offer of ice cream does not include toppings--
No sprinkles or peanuts or fudge,
No gummies or cookie crumbs, no little egg rolls,
And no swirls of “Mystery Sludge™”.
If there are no sugar cones, offer is canceled;
You can’t have a bowl or a waffle.
No chance of replacement if ice cream falls over,
But golly, that makes us feel awful!
There’s no guarantee you can pick your own flavor,
But trust us, we always choose well.
You’ll get “Nacho Madness” or “Barley EXPLOSION!”
(Whichever is hardest to sell).
No medical care or dry-cleaning is offered
If flavors may cause you to heave.
No loitering, lounging, or sitting at tables.
You get your free cone, and you leave.
If scoop size is greater than two-point-three inches
You may have to pay for a “Large.”**

**Free ice cream is subject to food tax and sales tax
And six-dollar handling charge.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

The Carnivore


We’re going back to school tonight,
Although the day is done.
We’re going back to school tonight
To have a lot of fun!
The teacher gave out passes
And she said what they are for.
Two hours after classes,
It’s the yearly Carnivore!
Though other kids may flee it,
Might pass out or just go pale,
I just can’t wait to see it!
Giant teeth and thrashing tail!
The teacher gave us tickets,
And she said there will be rides!
Be careful not to kick its
Spiky armor on the sides!
My friend won prizes at a game
At last year’s Carnivore.
I’m practicing my pitching aim
For “Dunk the Dinosaur.”
I heard there will be funnel cake,
And frozen ice cream treats.
That might give it a tummy ache--
It’s better off with meats.
The Carnivore!  It sounds so rad!
I’d better go prepare!
It sure beats what my last school had--
Just some old boring Fair.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Second String Knights


When there’s a fierce maid or a dragon to save,
The Round Table fights the good fights!
But when they are tired, or slightly less brave,
They send in the second string knights!

And sometimes they triumph and conquer in battle,
And sometimes their courage comes quicker,
But mostly they clamor and cower and prattle
And quarrel and squabble and bicker.

“I just had a lookout,” Sir Veyor confirms.
“The enemy’s taking position!”
“They’re not taking me!” old Sir Vivor affirms.
“I’m making it home from this mission!”

“I’m sure that they’ve got us,” Sir Rounded proclaims,
“They’ve gathered around on all sides!”
“How big is the circle?!” Sir Cumference exclaims.
“I just like to know,” he confides.

“There’s no way around them?” demands Sir Cumvent.
Sir Mountable claims “They’re too large!
We could pay them off if our gold is unspent!”
“Their fees are too high,” says Sir Charge.

Sir Passing declares, “I’m the bravest of all!
Most handsome and wise and genteel!”
Sir Prizes jumps out from behind a stone wall!
“Demonic Fish Pants!” yells Sir Real.

The enemy closes, the knights bicker on,
And no one’s a proper defender.
Until, as the evening gives way to the dawn,
They send in their last hope:  Sir Render.

Monday, July 7, 2014

It's No Picnic


If you go down in the woods today,
Oh, there’s a surprise for you!
If you go down in the woods today,
You’ll need your W-2.
For every bear who heeds the bear laws
Has coffee brewed and ink on his paws.
Today’s the day the teddy bears do their taxes!

Every teddy bear who’s been good
Is hoping for money back.
They’re filing early just like they should
To make the “No Audit” stack.
Upon the line, they date and they sign.
They hope next year the rate will decline.
Oh that’s the way the teddy bears do their taxes!

Taxes time for teddy bears!
The tired teddy bears are filling out tons of forms today!
Watch them write off fur repairs,
And claim exemptions for their fluff decay!
See them take a work expense--
Twelve bucks and forty cents
For tables and tiny chairs!
At six o’clock accountants and lawyers will take the forms away,
Because they’re due to the bear upstairs.

If you go down in the woods today, 
You’ll need a ledger and pen.
It’s frantic down in the woods today,
File all your receipts again!
For every bear from Ruxpin to Gund
Is hoping for a massive refund!
Today’s the day the teddy bears do their taxes!

Friday, July 4, 2014

Independence Day


“It’s Independence Day, my boy,” the Glorb said to his son.
“The day we celebrate the freedom that our planet won!
We tell the well-remembered story of our Founding Goo,
And wear the planetary colors:  Fraxle, Klax, and Blue.
With voices loud and grobles raised in most triumphant manner,
We proudly sing our anthem, ‘The Corangle Spurkled Banner.’
And then the yearly picnic where we roast the captured meat,
Plus all the beer and zookle-on-the-cob that you can eat!”
And then he dipped his tentacle into a bowl of chips,
And pointed at the viewscreen, toward a fleet of Glorban ships.
The fleet had settled into place around a blue-green globe.
The broadcast was transmitted live by interstellar probe.
“And plus, I get a half day off!  It’s one of our new perks.
Now grab and drink and squish back down.  Here come the fireworks!”

Thursday, July 3, 2014

The Ballad of Barbecue Dad


In the blistering heat of the sweltering sun,
By the best grill that money can buy,
Stands a man with a plan and a plate and a bun:
It’s Dad on the Fourth of July!

He stands tall and chipper, the flipper in hand,
Oh, no one cooks better or faster!
He’d match his grill skills with the best in the land!
His apron reads “Fear the GRILL MASTER!”

A grin curls his lip as he heads into battle,
He throws on the chicken and steaks.
The children grab plates and they line up like cattle,
When something above the earth quakes!

The sky has grown dark and the clouds have drawn in,
And yet, no one dares to complain.
Dad shakes his big head and he broadens his grin,
And says “It’s not going to rain.”

It rains.  How it rains!  Not a drop or a dozen,
But buckets and rivers and showers!
And every last sibling and uncle and cousin
Crowds into the kitchen and cowers.

Not Dad.  Oh, not Dad!  Not this hero of old,
This bold and invincible fella!
Before one hot coal has a chance to go cold,
He’s back with his mighty umbrella!

And there, underneath the magnificent dome
That says “Johnson’s Golfing Supplies,”
A conqueror stands, still defending his home,
The fury of war in his eyes!

The lightning!  The downpour!  The flooding!  The thunder!
The heat and the billows of smoke!
Just one small mistake, just the tiniest blunder,
And Grill Master surely will choke!

His apron is sopping, his eyebrows are dripping,
The smoke is obscuring his vision.
But Dad just keeps prodding and poking and flipping,
With laser-like speed and precision.

Until one by one each filet is well done,
Each drumstick is perfectly charred,
Each burger and wiener atop its own bun,
And Dad splashes through the backyard.

With grace and with skill he departs from the grill,
His trophy the topped off meat platter.
The Lord of the Manor!  The King of the Hill!
The Man with the Very Full Bladder!

“Ha ha!” Dad proclaims, “Feast your eyes on the feast!”
He lays down the triumph he brings.
He hopes for applause--an ovation at least--
But just then the front doorbell rings.

“Hooray!” cry the children!  “Thank God!” says Aunt Fran!
Dad falters a little and shivers.
He peers through the window and spies a white van
Marked “Paulie’s Pan Pizza Delivers!”

“I thought . . . just in case . . .” Mom begins to explain.
Dad drips from his toes to his collars.
“Oh, honey, my purse is at work.  Where’s my brain?
Can you give me forty-three dollars?”