Monday, June 19, 2017

The Number One “Number 2 Pencil”

It’s yellow!  It’s wood!
It writes like it should!
The world’s finest marking utensil!
It’s dark, it won’t smudge,
Oh its greatness won’t budge!
The number one “Number 2 pencil”!

On notepads? Fantastic!
Why, even on plastic!
It glides like the wind through a stencil.
It’s simply the best 
On each standardized test.
The number one “Number 2 pencil”!

It’s easy to grip it,
A monkey could slip it
Between his tail curls so prehensile.
The tip is well pointed,
It’s sacred, anointed,
The number one “Number 2 pencil”!

Just like the Round Table,
With wood firm and stable,
Not sloppy or floppy or tensile.
Its marks so defined
On blank paper or lined,
The number one “Number 2 pencil”!

A writing delight,
With its sharpness and might,
To last through a thousand harsh winters!
All others are scrap
When this pencil . . . OH, SNAP!
The number one . . . uh . . . big pile of splinters.

Friday, June 16, 2017

Father's Day Shopping

It’s Father’s Day this Sunday,
And I swear it’s not too late!
Shop “Tony’s Last-Ditch Discount Gifts”
And pick out something great!
There’s mugs of every shape and size,
“Top Dad” and “Perfect Pop.”
A hat with built-in hair to hide
That shiny spot on top.
A baseball-shaped umbrella stand—
The bat glows in the dark!
A combo-flashlight-pooper-scoop
For night walks in the park. 
A neck-tie golf-ball polisher—
That always comes in handy.
 A forty-dollar gift card for
“The King of Cotton Candy,”
Some flashing keychains, beer can holders,
Grilling odds and ends,
A singing fish that’s sure earn some
Eye-rolls from your friends.
A rainbow painting made from
Different shades of macaroni,
A dozen truck stop license plates
And magnets that say “Tony.”
We’re running quite a special—
Buy one gift and take five free!
Your dad is sure to love them
If he’s anything like me.
The prices aren’t set on these—
I’ll take the lowest bids!
No refunds, all sales final.
(Oh, and please don’t tell my kids!)

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

The Poem You're Going To Hear

The poem you’re going to hear today
Is wild and full of fear.
So pack up your suitcase and run far away
From the poem you’re going to hear.

The poem you’re going to hear today
Will rock your very core.
Disturbing and dangerous, deadly per se,
Like nothing you’ve heard before.

The poem you’re going to hear today
Is not for the faint of heart.
It may stir and shock you, bewitch and betray,
Or drive all your wits apart.

The poem you’re going to hear today
Will bring you dismay and chagrin.
It’s safer to flee, but you’re going to stay?
I hoped that you would.  Let’s begin…

Saturday, December 31, 2016

End of the Year

You say this year was terrible,
The worst you've ever seen. 
Atrocious, vicious, unrelenting, 
Brutal, cruel, and mean. 
It took so many that you loved,
It broke you, let you down,
It snatched your smile and left in place
A fractured sour frown. 
And now you sigh and tell yourself,
"At least it's at an end!"
Another year, a fresh and clean one
Just around the bend.
But this year, too, is unforeseen,
Like all the other years,
A year of hardships, challenges,
Frustrations, toils, and tears. 
Yet each of those is balanced,
If you know the way to look,
With laughs, delights, and miracles 
Tucked deep in every nook. 
A penny by the riverside,
A night sky full of wonder. 
The bigger piece of apple pie,
The snow that comes with thunder. 
The spring you put into your step,
A smile you give a stranger,
The way you help the soggy worm
Escape the sidewalk danger. 
A joke you share with just one friend,
A song you share with all,
The way the breeze comes through the trees
To tell you when it's Fall. 
A taster spoon of ice cream
And another to be sure,
A hug that, even when it's done,
Will linger and endure. 
There's magic in the year ahead,
To find it's up to you. 
But gather up enough of it, 
It's sure to see you through. 

Happy New Year!

Monday, December 12, 2016

Christmas Isn't

It isn't the shopping, it isn't the snow,
It isn't the stockings all hung,
It isn't the carolers lined in a row,
It isn't the jolly songs sung.
It isn't the presents, it isn't the tree,
It isn't the star up above,
It isn't the specials on every TV. 
It's the love. 

Now, some say it's Santa, and some say his sleigh,
And some say it's reindeer or elves,
And, while they're important on each Christmas Day,
They don't do the job by themselves. 
Some say it's that T-Rex with laser gun feet,
The hottest new holiday toy!
But all of this stuff doesn't make it complete. 
It's the joy. 

It sure isn't gift bags of popcorn and toffee,
Or coupons for you and your kin,
It isn't your six dollar peppermint coffee,
It isn't the cup that it's in. 
It isn't the sweaters you wear when it's freezin',
Real Christmas means more, if you try.
It's peace in your heart that will outlast the season. 
Just peace, love, and joy. 

(And some pie). 

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Magazine Drive

Excuse me, sir, to help my school
I'm selling magazines. 
The perfect chance to show support
For all the local teens. 
I brought this giant catalog
For just a short review. 
Let's find the best selection here
Especially for you. 
We’ve got the standards, TOME and Newswonk,
EntertainMe Weakly,
We’ve still got Poople, TV God,
And Living Ancient Greekly.
There’s Frog Aficionado,
Or Toad Monthly if you please.
There’s Crockpot Illustrated
And What’s New in Beaver Cheese.
Are you a sports enthusiast?
Check out Cats Playing Cricket.
Try Storage Closet Monthly—
It can tell you where to stick it.
If you’re a frequent traveler,
Then you’ll love Tour Nebraska,
The chef in you will cherish
Weekly Ways to Bake Alaska.
And, if you’re feeling naughty,
There's a special new selection:
The Whoopie Cushion Quarterly
To add to your collection. 
Subscribe to any that you like,
'Cause helping schools is nice!
I'll put you down for three or four
At twice the cover price. 
I'll take a check or credit card.
It's fine, I've got all day. 
Or, if you give me twenty cash,
I might just go away!

Tuesday, November 22, 2016


I got some mashed potatoes
And I crammed them up inside.
A dozen stewed tomatoes
And a walnut, lightly fried.
Some jelly beans, a bar of soap,
A tiny rubber chicken,
Four chunks of moldy cantaloupe 
All ready for the stickin’.
I shoved in half a sticky bun
(It’s just a little chewed),
Some chocolate chips and, just for fun,
My “Super Action Dude™”!
A can of cola, black-eyed peas,
The rest of my burrito,
Some raisin bran, my grandpa’s keys,
My record-setting Cheeto.
I tossed in some beef jerky,
Then I slammed the oven shut.
They said to stuff the turkey,
But they never said with what!