Sunday, August 23, 2015

Lost


Call off the search party, call off the dogs!
Stop turning over the leaves and the logs!
Pay the detectives and send them all packing!
Tell all the trackers to stop all the tracking!
Un-drain the river and patch up the plumbing!
Fire the psychics!  (They won’t see it coming.)
Call back the army, the navy, marines!
Turn off the lost-thing-detector machines!
Somehow the search just got larger and larger,
But send them all home now--I found my phone charger!

Friday, August 7, 2015

Buried Treasure Restaurant


Looking for a restaurant the family will enjoy?
A theme to please each grandma, grandpa, parent, girl, and boy?
Then come on down to "Buried Treasure," just off exit eight--
You'll get a map, a shovel, and an hour to fill your plate!
You start at Parrot Island--that's the hostess desk, of course--
Then follow Monkey River to the temple at its source. 
Retrieve the Key of Ages if the door is not ajar--
(Be careful of the dressing spill beside the salad bar)--
Then seven paces west inside the Shrine of Destiny,
Turn left beside the Waterfall of Doom near table three,
Then get your shovel out, my friend, and dig the Sandy Shore--
(Be careful not to dig too hard--we just re-did the floor).
And if you've followed carefully along the treasure map, 
Unravelled every riddle and avoided every trap,
You'll find the Golden Treasure buried deep below the sands--
The finest plate of onion rings in all the Hidden Lands!
No time to stop and eat them, for your quest has just begun--
You'll have to find your entree and dessert before you're done!
So come to "Buried Treasure" now before it's all been looted. 
The challenges are on the house, but tips are not included. 

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

It Was Okay


Mom said, “How was school today?”  
I said, “It was okay.”
She said, “Come on, now, what’d you do?”  
I said, “I got an A.”
“An A?” she gasped, “Hooray for you!”  
I said, “It’s no big deal.
I copied all the answers that 
Samantha let me steal.”
She raised an eyebrow, glared at me, 
And said, “Let’s hear the rest.”
I heaved a sigh and said, 
“I couldn’t study for the test.
You see, I was exhausted 
From the running that we did.”
“In gym?” she asked. 
“No, no,” I said, “away from Dino-Kid!”
“From what?!” said Mom. 
“This kid,” I answered, “in a T-Rex suit.
He chased us down the hallway
With a bear in hot pursuit!
It turns out they were all dressed up 
To do the Winter Play.
They didn’t mean to scare us, 
But they had to run away!”
“From what?!” said Mom.  “The bees!” I said.  
Mom asked, “The play as well?”
“No, real bees from a beehive.  
Hold your horses, and I’ll tell.
The science class had bees today 
To study how they work,
And Ryan knocked them over—
Boy, he’s such a little jerk.
But Ryan couldn’t help it, 
’Cause the sirens freaked him out.”
“The sirens?!” Mom exploded.  
“Yeah, to put the fire out!
The fire engines got there 
When the fire bells went off—
The smoke was hot and black and thick 
And made us choke and cough.”
“What caused the fire?” Mom demanded.  
“Cooking class,” I said.
“They left the oven on too hot 
And burned up all the bread.
I guess they got distracted 
By the elephants and clown—
Who knew the circus train was gonna 
Knock the classroom down?
They probably were startled 
By the Bigfoot on the track,
Or maybe from the ninjas 
Starting up their sneak attack.”
“Hold on,” said Mom, “these things all happened 
At your school today?”
“Uh-huh,” I said.  “It’s like I said before.  
It was okay.”

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Do It Yourself


Get me a plunger, get me a wrench,
Grab me the rag that’s on top of the bench.
Hand me a screwdriver, give me a hand,
Pull on this flexible black rubber band.
Go find a clothespin, a clamp, or a clip,
Hand me a sponge to go under this drip.
Bring me the pliers, give it a flush,
Go get some towels to soak up the gush!
Get me a bucket! Get me a mop!
Get me a wizard to make it all stop!
Throw me a trash can—I don’t care what size!
Toss me some goggles, it got in my eyes!
Go find my raincoat, my boots and umbrella!
Why does this goo look like fresh mozzarella?!
Find me a wet-vac with turbo-charged pump!
GET ME A REALTOR—I’M SELLING THIS DUMP!

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Lullaby


Go to sleep, my little one,
Rest your little heads. 
Spread your seven tentacles
Upon their tiny beds. 

The suns are setting in the sky,
Your busy day is done. 
Your planets all are conquered,
And your reign has just begun.

The screams of all your enemies
Are drifting through the deep. 
Your warships cannot be outgunned,
So close your eye and sleep. 

Tomorrow there will be new worlds
To plunder, blast, and crush. 
Your human's nestled at your side,
Now snuggle him and hush. 

And if your fears should wake you,
Or if you should toss and turn,
Just think of all the puny little
Planets that you'll burn!

So sleep well, little overlord,
The galaxy's your toy.
One day you'll grow as strong as me!
So dream of that, my boy!

Monday, July 27, 2015

Previously On


Previously on "Space Crusader," Captain Stone was trapped!
The power matrix on the Starship Jefferson had snapped!
The Kastorax Armada had our noble crew surrounded!
The shields were losing power as the phase torpedoes pounded!
Meanwhile, across the galaxy, the Emperor of Tran
Was hatching his most underhanded evil master plan!
If he could sabotage the Matrix of All Time and Space,
The Galaxy would fall beneath his Reptile Master Race!
But little did he know that Doctor Phylo and his crew
Had found a wormhole to the other side of Sector Two!
And using this new shortcut, plus some subterfuge and tricks,
They'd laid a trap to send the Emperor to Sector Six!
On top of this, Commander Reilly and Lieutenant Steeple
Had broken their engagement and were seeing other people!
And Sub-Lieutenant Norrell had discovered that his cousin
Was married to a Labradon, with puppies by the dozen!
But unbeknownst to all of them, the Universe was tattered!
If no one patched the Threads of Time, then nothing really mattered!
If only the one Starship that could fix this situation
Could free itself from Queen Cortexa's Holo-Simulation!
And that's the recap--sorry, but it's all the time we've got.
Be sure to join us next week when we might advance the plot!

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

A Royal Pain


The church bells rang, the choirs sang, the rice was strewn about.
A team of silver horses drove the wedding carriage out.
But when, at last, the wedding night arrived in all its glory,
The Prince learned “ever after”’s the beginning of the story.

All tucked in bed, the Princess said, “Goodnight, sweet prince, goodnight.”
But soon her legs were twitching—clearly something wasn’t right.
“My love, my life, what troubles you,” the Prince asked of his bride.
She answered not, but turned and kicked him squarely in the side.

“What ho?!” he shouted as her flailing feet attacked him twice.
“My love,” she said, “I’m sorry, but I think that it’s the rice!
The rice thrown by the revelers as we did take our leave—
It’s made its way into our bed, on this our wedding eve!”

The gallant prince pulled back the thousand thread-count silken sheet,
And found a solitary grain of rice beside her feet.
He brushed it off.  “Fear not, dear heart, ’twas but a lowly sprinkle!”
Back down lay he.  “Ahem,” said she, “The blanket has a wrinkle.”

He smoothed it, but before he had a chance to rest his crown,
She said, “I think my pillow’s got a little too much down.”
Three feathers did he pluck out from beneath her pillow case.
“And also, dear, one knot unravelled from my nightgown’s lace!”

He sighed, and tied the tiny string with hands so quick and nimble.
“My sheet has got a tiny lump just like a fairy’s thimble!”
He grumbled and he grunted, but he pressed it good and flat.
He closed his eyes until she said, “My love, I hear a gnat!”

And as he lit a candle to go searching for the pest,
It dawned on him that this was just the first night of the rest.
Perhaps a princess isn’t all that she’s cracked up to be—
If only he had wed a maid who hadn’t felt the pea!