Sunday, April 6, 2014

Summer Fun


Put on your bathing suit.
Take off those slippers.
Here is your snorkel,
And here are your flippers.
Smear on some sunscreeen,
Where is your hat?
Please take your swim goggles
Off of the cat!
Here’s a big towel,
And here’s your sunglasses.
What did I do with
Our public beach passes?
Blow up these water wings,
Pack up some juice.
Tighten your drawstring
So it won’t come loose.
Put on more sunscreen,
The dog licked it off.
If you wear nose plugs,
You won’t have to cough.
Go tell your brother
To get in the car.
Help find my car keys,
Wherever they are.
Go get your shovel 
To dig in the sand.
Oh, here’s my car keys!
They’re here in my hand!
Put on your seat belts!
We’re off with a ZOOM!
What?  Summer’s over?  
Well . . . go clean your room.

Our Top Story Tonight


Your face is washed, your teeth are brushed, you’ve got your bedtime shoes,
Good evening, kids, and welcome to the Nightly Night-Night News.
We dig beneath the surface to report your stories right--
I’m Malcolm Lupe Grant, and here’s our top story tonight.

An older woman in her home was ruthlessly attacked--
Her house was robbed, her food was eaten, property ransacked.
A struggle seems to have begun with pushin’ and with shovin’.
The older woman was discovered trapped inside her oven.
The footprints of two children were discovered in her kitchen--
Police have just released her name:  Grunhildamina Witchen.
The only lead--a trail of breadcrumbs--seems to have gone cold--
So lock your cookie house up tight if you’re alone and old.

Related news--a home invading vagrant’s on the prowl,
A local family of three first told the Daily Growl.
“We’d just stepped out,” the Papa said, “to have our evening stroll.
We came back home and found a smashed up chair and empty bowl.
We went upstairs and found out that our window had been crept in--
A yellow hair was left upon the bed that she had slept in.”
Police are setting girl-traps that will snatch her out of sight.
Log on and take our poll:  Too harsh?  Too lenient?  Or just right?

Security was breached tonight inside the Royal Palace.
Police are not yet certain if the act was done in malice.
A social function was disturbed by some gate-crashing teen:
The uninvited guest could not afford a limousine.
Instead she pulled up in a pumpkin painted like a carriage.
With jars upon her feet, she sought the Prince’s hand in marriage.
Preliminary test results showed no intoxication,
Though trace amounts of “Fairy G” deserve investigation.

That’s all the news until the morning.  Thanks for tuning in.
I’m Malcolm Lupe Grant, and here’s my famous toothy grin.
“Up Late with Rumpelstiltskin”’s next, with music, talk, and laughter.
Good night, and may tomorrow bring you happily ever after.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

I.O.U.


My dad said it’s important that you pay back what you borrow.
“My son,” he said, “forgetting debts can only lead to sorrow!”
And so, because my dad is wise, I promptly pay each debt.
There’s not a thing I’ve borrowed that I haven’t paid back yet!
When you loaned me a dollar for a pretzel at the fair,
I paid you back in pennies--ninety-seven!  Almost there!
When you loaned me an egg so I could finish my soufflé,
I only used the inside.  I returned the shell!  Hooray!
I did return your turbo-charged electric ear hair groomer--
That’s not MY dog’s hair clogging up the parts.  It’s just a rumor!
And when I took your dental floss, I didn’t want to swindle.
I used it, wiped it off, then wound it back around the spindle!
It may sound like I haven’t paid back everything I took.
It may sound like I haven’t evened out the balance book.
But next time that you loan me something, I will make it right.
I’ll pay you back a little extra, just to be polite.
Hey, can I have a tissue?  I’ve got allergies galore!
I swear I will return it--plus a little something more.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

"Do You Want?"


“Do you want to eat some peas?”
“No.”
“Do you want to eat some cheese?”
“No.”
“Do you want to wear your pants?
“No.”
“Do you want to do a dance?”
“No.”
“Do you want to watch TV?”
“No.”
“Or your kitty DVD?”
“No.”
“Do you want a red balloon?”
“No.”
“Or a visit to the moon?”
“No.”
“Do you want to have a nap?”
“NO!”
“Or a story in my lap?”
“NO!”
“How about a bowl of grapes?”
“NO!”
“You could help me clean the drapes!”
“NOOO!”
“Do you want to spin around?”
“NOOO!”
“Throw your crayons on the ground?”
“NOOOOO!”
“Do you want to bathe the dogs?”
“NOOOOOOOO!”
“Stuff the toilet ’til it clogs?”
“NOOOOOOOO!”

“Well, what DO you want to do?”
“Guess.”
“Should I hug and cuddle you?”

 . . . 

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Side Effects May Include...


Your nose may run, your eyes may itch,
You might begin to cough.
You may develop “bottom twitch,”
Your earlobes may fall off.
Your toes may smell like roasted beans,
Some people’s elbows sweat.
(It’s not clear what blue nose hair means--
No one has seen that . . . yet).
If you begin to sprout a flower,
Go and buy a vase.
You may start melting in the shower--
Keep away from face.
Your teeth may chatter in the rain,
Your spleen may start to shout.
If there is pressure in your brain
A penguin may pop out!
A few will suffer eyebrow loss
And goopy green emission.
Before you use “Bob’s Dental Floss,”
Consult with your physician.

Monday, February 17, 2014

Routine Maintenance


Spin the wheels and test the brakes,
Clean the clogged-up air intakes.
When you’re done with that assignment,
Tighten up the rear alignment.
Change the oil and pump that tire.
How long ’til the shocks expire?
Swap the belts and check transmission.
Can we make this no-emission?
Fix the dents, buff out the scratches,
Press the buttons, pull the latches.
When the services are through,
Polish every bolt and screw.
Now I’ll have my satisfaction--
Mega-Kill-Bot primed for action!

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Half-Birthday Party!


Wear your half-a-party-hat--(It’s just the rubber band).
Here’s your half-balloon--(It’s just a ribbon in your hand).
Blow out half the candles on your droopy half-a-cake--
(Half the flour, half the eggs, and half the time to bake).
Half of us will sing to you, but only half the song.
Half will sing your name correctly, half will sing it wrong.
Pour a half-a-glass of soda in your half-a-cup.
Open your half-presents--(empty boxes all wrapped up).
Play with half your friends, and when the party’s halfway through,
Make a good half-birthday wish, and may it half come true!