Sunday, August 2, 2015

Do It Yourself


Get me a plunger, get me a wrench,
Grab me the rag that’s on top of the bench.
Hand me a screwdriver, give me a hand,
Pull on this flexible black rubber band.
Go find a clothespin, a clamp, or a clip,
Hand me a sponge to go under this drip.
Bring me the pliers, give it a flush,
Go get some towels to soak up the gush!
Get me a bucket! Get me a mop!
Get me a wizard to make it all stop!
Throw me a trash can—I don’t care what size!
Toss me some goggles, it got in my eyes!
Go find my raincoat, my boots and umbrella!
Why does this goo look like fresh mozzarella?!
Find me a wet-vac with turbo-charged pump!
GET ME A REALTOR—I’M SELLING THIS DUMP!

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Lullaby


Go to sleep, my little one,
Rest your little heads. 
Spread your seven tentacles
Upon their tiny beds. 

The suns are setting in the sky,
Your busy day is done. 
Your planets all are conquered,
And your reign has just begun.

The screams of all your enemies
Are drifting through the deep. 
Your warships cannot be outgunned,
So close your eye and sleep. 

Tomorrow there will be new worlds
To plunder, blast, and crush. 
Your human's nestled at your side,
Now snuggle him and hush. 

And if your fears should wake you,
Or if you should toss and turn,
Just think of all the puny little
Planets that you'll burn!

So sleep well, little overlord,
The galaxy's your toy.
One day you'll grow as strong as me!
So dream of that, my boy!

Monday, July 27, 2015

Previously On


Previously on "Space Crusader," Captain Stone was trapped!
The power matrix on the Starship Jefferson had snapped!
The Kastorax Armada had our noble crew surrounded!
The shields were losing power as the phase torpedoes pounded!
Meanwhile, across the galaxy, the Emperor of Tran
Was hatching his most underhanded evil master plan!
If he could sabotage the Matrix of All Time and Space,
The Galaxy would fall beneath his Reptile Master Race!
But little did he know that Doctor Phylo and his crew
Had found a wormhole to the other side of Sector Two!
And using this new shortcut, plus some subterfuge and tricks,
They'd laid a trap to send the Emperor to Sector Six!
On top of this, Commander Reilly and Lieutenant Steeple
Had broken their engagement and were seeing other people!
And Sub-Lieutenant Norrell had discovered that his cousin
Was married to a Labradon, with puppies by the dozen!
But unbeknownst to all of them, the Universe was tattered!
If no one patched the Threads of Time, then nothing really mattered!
If only the one Starship that could fix this situation
Could free itself from Queen Cortexa's Holo-Simulation!
And that's the recap--sorry, but it's all the time we've got.
Be sure to join us next week when we might advance the plot!

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

A Royal Pain


The church bells rang, the choirs sang, the rice was strewn about.
A team of silver horses drove the wedding carriage out.
But when, at last, the wedding night arrived in all its glory,
The Prince learned “ever after”’s the beginning of the story.

All tucked in bed, the Princess said, “Goodnight, sweet prince, goodnight.”
But soon her legs were twitching—clearly something wasn’t right.
“My love, my life, what troubles you,” the Prince asked of his bride.
She answered not, but turned and kicked him squarely in the side.

“What ho?!” he shouted as her flailing feet attacked him twice.
“My love,” she said, “I’m sorry, but I think that it’s the rice!
The rice thrown by the revelers as we did take our leave—
It’s made its way into our bed, on this our wedding eve!”

The gallant prince pulled back the thousand thread-count silken sheet,
And found a solitary grain of rice beside her feet.
He brushed it off.  “Fear not, dear heart, ’twas but a lowly sprinkle!”
Back down lay he.  “Ahem,” said she, “The blanket has a wrinkle.”

He smoothed it, but before he had a chance to rest his crown,
She said, “I think my pillow’s got a little too much down.”
Three feathers did he pluck out from beneath her pillow case.
“And also, dear, one knot unravelled from my nightgown’s lace!”

He sighed, and tied the tiny string with hands so quick and nimble.
“My sheet has got a tiny lump just like a fairy’s thimble!”
He grumbled and he grunted, but he pressed it good and flat.
He closed his eyes until she said, “My love, I hear a gnat!”

And as he lit a candle to go searching for the pest,
It dawned on him that this was just the first night of the rest.
Perhaps a princess isn’t all that she’s cracked up to be—
If only he had wed a maid who hadn’t felt the pea!



Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Brotherly Advice


I know that it's your first time to dress up for trick or treating.
I'll only pass this wisdom on just once, with no repeating.
So listen up, young brother in your superhero tights--
A monster stalks us in the dark on these enchanted nights. 
Be careful of the Phantom when we're out on Halloween.
He's dangerous and deadly, though he never has been seen.
You'll always sense his presence as you go from door to door,
He's always lurking, always hungry, always wanting more.
And as you walk the block with that thin mask upon your face,
You'll feel a movement near you as you swing your pillowcase.
You'll walk a little faster--half an instinct, half a hunch.
A rush of wind, a rustle, and a dread-inducing crunch!
And when you peer into your bag upon the neighbor's lawn,
The shock will stop you in your tracks--your candy is half gone!
You'll gape in horror at the awful slaughter that you're viewing,
And on the wind, you'll swear you hear the subtle sound of chewing.
And when Dad says, "Hey kids, let's go!  The night is just beginning!"
It's safer not to ask yourself the reason why he's grinning.

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Live Your Dreams!


I asked my teacher for advice. 
He said, "Go live your dreams!"
Well, after trying once or twice,
It's harder than it seems!

I tried to start with something easy--
Pizza pillow case!
It made a bunch of greasy cheesy
Splotches on my face. 

So then I tried another dream,
Where I'm a killer droid. 
I shot Dad with my Terror Beam--
He barely got annoyed!

My best dream is the rooftop one--
The breeze is soft and cool.
My dreams make flying so much fun--
Good thing we've got a pool!

I tried my weirdest dream of all--
I'm riding on a poodle,
We hit a cliff, but as we fall
We're rescued by a noodle.

The noodle turns into a shoe
Who knits a rainbow sheep!
(I dream this when I play with glue
Before I fall asleep).

But when I tried to ride on Finn,
He snarled and tried to bite. 
And mom cooked all the noodles in
A casserole tonight. 

At last I tried one in my reach,
An easy dream to dare--
I went to class and gave a speech
In just my underwear!

I thought my teacher would be proud!
I did just what he said!
"I lived my dreams!" I screamed out loud,
But he just shook his head. 

So my advice to you, my friend?
Go live your dreams!  It's cool!
But hide the mail the day they send
A note home from your school. 

Friday, July 3, 2015

Five-Minute Pickle Delivery Service!


All out of pickles? Your sandwich is dry?
Well, call our new hotline and give us a try!
Just pick up the phone now, no need to be nervous.
Call Five-Minute Pickle Delivery Service!

In under five minutes, no joke, guaranteed,
We'll speed to your side with the side dish you need!
Some slices, some stackers, a half, whole, or spear--
Don't pick up your pickles; we pack them up here!

And then, with our patented pickle-shaped trucks,
We bring you your order for just fifty bucks!
The sweet ones!  The hot ones!  A nice kosher dill!
In under five minutes, we'll bring you your fill!

There's no competition, we're awfully clever!
We've poured all our savings into this endeavor!
Plus two business loans and some money from Dad
To bring you the fastest best pickles you've had!

Stop moping and go give your cell phone a tickle--
Five minutes, and you'll have a smile and a pickle!
And call back next week when we proudly unveil
Our "We're In A Pickle" Store Bankruptcy Sale!