Thursday, January 30, 2014

Zombie Joe's Employment

Are you a monster out of work?  No job for your enjoyment?
Well, come in for an interview at Zombie Joe’s Employment!
A full time staffing agency for monsters, beasts, and goons,
Plus creatures, freaks of nature, and grown men who watch cartoons.
We found a job for Bigfoot at a local winery.
He’s stomping down the grapes, and he’s as happy as can be!
We sent The Mummy to a high school where they need a nurse--
He’s always got a bandage and he’ll promise not to curse.
And Dracula does first-aid on a desert camping range.
You need a snakebite sucked out quick?  Well, that he can arrange!
The Wolfman is a guard-dog for the monthly full-moon dance,
The Yeti folds and presses all your mountain-climbing pants.
Old Frankenstein was tricky, ’cause his movements are so slow.
But he’s a great school crossing guard--he lurches to and fro.
The Loch Ness Monster came to us for help with something greater--
He’s bringing home the gold as an Olympic figure skater!
So come fill out some paperwork--it’s quicker than it seems.
At Zombie Joe’s Employment--Where We Help You Live Your Screams!™

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Dirty Poem for the Bathroom Wall

Mud and moss and sand and clay,
Loam and silt and plant decay.
Grab a trowel, dig and toil,
Run your fingers through the soil.
Dirt is lovely!  Dirt is great!
Grows the food that’s on your plate!
Stack it, scrunch it, pack it down,
Rich and fertile, earthy brown.
Brings new life to many lands--
Are you done?  Go wash your hands.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Superb Owl

We’re having a party!  I’m thrilled as can be!
I’m so overjoyed I could howl!
My dad left a note--we're all watching TV
To cheer for a new superb owl!

Oh owls are my favorite, and this one sounds great!
No wonder we bought so much food!
There’s pizza and chili and chips on a plate--
I’m getting in owl-watching mood!

I bet he’s quite talon-ted, bet he’s quite smart.
Much wiser than all other fowl.
His standardized tests are the top of the chart--
Hooray for the new superb owl!

Dad’s friends just came over with bottles to drink
And chicken wings fresh from the Colonel.
They might be here late, but that’s okay, I think--
We all know that owls are nocturnal.

I bet he flies silently, stalking the night,
Wide-eyed and alert on the prowl.
No field mouse or shrew can escape his sharp sight!
Three hoots for the new superb owl!

The party just started, they turned on the screen,
My smile was as big as my dad’s!
But my superb owl was nowhere to be seen!
Just big guys with huge shoulder pads!

I blocked the TV with a shout and a scowl,
So Mom sent me upstairs to bed.
This party is stupid--there’s no superb owl!
They’re just watching football instead!

Saturday, January 18, 2014

New Gadget

Are you way too busy?  Are you feeling stressed?
I’ve got just the gadget you need!
It’s sure to fulfill your most minor request!
It’s state-of-the art, guaranteed!

It makes you a milkshake!  It mows all your grass!
There’s no better lawn fertilizer!
Throw out your alarm clock, you won’t sleep through class--
It makes you an earlier riser!

You need to send letters, but hate the glue taste?
It moistens your envelopes neatly!
You’ve got lots of problems you haven’t yet faced?
This gadget will listen so sweetly!

Your car will not start?  It just drives you berserk?
This gadget has covered your bases.
Just hop right aboard--you can ride it to work!
Imagine the shock on their faces!

A kitchen aid, office mate, lawn tool, and friend,
Emergency vehicle, too!
It’s sure to spread quickly!  Get in on the trend!
And you’ll just love the sound it makes:  “MOOOOOOOOO!”

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Melvin's Discount Rhyme

Poets, authors, one and all,
Come down to the Writers’ Mall.
Need some lyrics, pre-perused?
Inspiration, slightly used?
Stop on in and take your time--
Shop at “Melvin’s Discount Rhyme”!
Looking for that special word?
Don’t care if it’s always heard?
Come on down and take a chance,
Pre-owned rhymes to make you dance!
Need a word to rhyme with “maybe”?
Just five dollars gets you “baby”!
Need to praise your lifelong friend?
Ten bucks gets you “to the end”!
Got a poem due tomorrow?
We’ve got rhymes to ease your sorrow!
Got a poem due tonight?
We’re open ’til the morning’s light!
Our used rhymes will make you fly,
Right up high to touch the sky!
They will make your work soar higher,
Fill you with desire and fire!
Come spend every afternoon--
Two-for-one on “moon” and “June”!
To our customers we’re true,
Pass the savings on to you!
Fill your basket, fill your arms,
Revel in our rhyming charms!
All the rhymes you know you love,
Sure as all the stars above!
But no meter to go with ’em--
That’s at “Joey’s Discount Rhythm”.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

A Derrible Tay

What a day I've had today!
Not one thing has gone my way!
First I licked the telephone,
Then I dialed my ice cream cone. 
Got a tissue for my cheese,
Ate a sandwich--ham and sneeze!
Washed my armpits in the tower,
Tried to climb the Eiffel Shower!
Tripped down stairs and hurt my shows,
Missed my favorite TV nose!
Threw out piles and piles of cash,
Found a wallet full of trash!
Hated dinner, missed my shirt,
Tore a hole in my dessert!
Burned my homemade raisin bed--
I think I'll just go back to bread. 

Friday, January 3, 2014

Sofa Day

A year has passed!  It’s come at last!
The best day of the year!
Hip hip hooray!  It’s “Sofa Day”!
I can’t believe it’s here!

On this fine day, I sit and stay,
Foregoing baths or showers.
I contemplate and meditate
And vegetate for hours!

A day of rest for the oppressed--
It’s sacred to my people.
This fluffy couch on which I slouch
Is chapel, pews, and steeple.

Go cut the grass?  I’ll have to pass,
No matter how it’s grown.
On “Sofa Day,” the scriptures say
I must be left alone.

I only eat here in my seat.
Just pizza, ice cream, chips.
To ease my soul, remote control
Stays at my fingertips.

All day TV!  A day for me!
A day for sofa smooshin’!
I may not move out from the groove
I’ve worn into the cushion.

O, foam and wood!  “Sofa So Good!”
If only you could stay!
Why must this fest of snacks and rest
Be just one single day?

Alas, I fear it’s once a year,
This day I’ve long deserved!
At least tomorrow soothes my sorrow:
“Sofa Day--(Observed)”.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Beware The Saurus!

Beware of The Saurus, a most fearsome beast.
He’ll make of your writing a frightening feast!
Each word, phrase, or sentence, each stanza or verse,
The Saurus will chomp into something much worse!
You start with a tale of a girl’s lucky star--
The Saurus ensures you won’t get very far!
He snatches your story, and after his theft
A damsel’s charmed gas-ball is all you’ve got left!
The Saurus can’t stand for two people to love--
They’ve got to “esteem” like the heavens above!
You write of a boy who won’t eat all his stuffin’?
Well now he’s a wadding-restrained ragamuffin!
Beware, lest he transform your “dangling clause”
To a “droopy fine print” in his jangling jaws.
And don’t even try writing of an old castle--
The “hoary acropolis” ain’t worth the hassle!
If you meet The Saurus, avoid all this strife!
Keep running--you might just abscond with your substantiality!