Sunday, June 27, 2010

Batter Up!

First you see the pitcher. 
Next you see the batter. 
Everything around them fades 
As if it doesn’t matter.   

Wait your turn and keep your focus. 
Step up to the plate. 
Then give it everything you’ve got! 
Oh, pancake day is great!

Magic Mess Mender™


Then some Abra! 
And Cadabra! 
Cleaning up your room!   

Zippy!  Zoppy! 
No more sloppy! 
All things in their places!   

Wizzy!  Wowee! 
Messes leave no traces!   

Just call us now! 
We swear we’re not deluded!   

First five callers 
Save five dollars! 
(Magic Not Included)

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Father's Day

Father’s Day, Father’s Day! What should I buy
To tell Dad that he’s a most wonderful guy?
He’s got a new tool belt, he just bought a hat.
He’s constantly saying we don’t need a cat.
Perhaps a new apron for working the grill?
There’s “Hands Off My Burgers!” or “Over the Hill!”
Or maybe these bow-ties—they’re five for a dollar!
They spin and shoot water from under your collar!
Oh Dad would go nuts for this mug, there’s no doubt!
“Number One Grandma!” (I’ll just cross that out).
Or maybe these tooth-picks! Or maybe this spoon!
I’ve been at this mall for the whole afternoon!
I still haven’t found a good gift for Dad yet—
Tomorrow is Father’s Day! What should I get?
Oh look! Oh it’s perfect! Oh what a surprise!
A dinosaur robot with laser-beam eyes!
Oh Dad will just love it, I’m sure you’ll agree.
He’ll wrap it back up, and he’ll give it to me!
And I’ll be so happy, and he’ll be so glad!
I love to go Father’s Day shopping for Dad!

Getting Ready

My shoes are too tight and my hair is too long.
My face is a fright and my jacket's all wrong.
My breath is disgusting, there's mess up my nose.
My toenails are crusting up over my toes!
My kneecaps need cleaning, my pants have a hole.
I've really been meaning to shave that big mole.
I'd better get going—it's quarter to eight!
And ogres hate showing up late for a date!

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Adventure Hotel

Welcome, my friends, to Adventure Hotel!
What wonders await you, you never can tell.
For here we take pride that each registered guest
Will get to embark on a magical quest!
The moment you start to check-in, it begins—
The managers give you mysterious grins,
Then slip you the keys to the room where you’ll stay.
They give you a wink, and you’re off on your way.

You roll down the hall with your suitcase in tow,
You find the “up arrow” and press it just so.
But some evil spirits behind the door lurk,
Who make sure that both elevators won’t work.
And so, if you hope to go rest in your room,
You bravely must conquer the “Stairwell of Doom!”
You get to the top, put your key in the slot,
You think it will open, but—GASP!—it does not!

And so you march down to the desk once again
To summon the Magical Maintenance Men.
You answer their riddles, they open your door,
You throw all your trinkets and clothes on the floor,
Then go to recharge all your strength and your power
By basking beneath the warm wonderful shower.
But fate interferes in a test of your might—
“The Shower of Shivers!” You’re frozen with fright!

But cold as you are, you still bravely endure,
And hope a hot towel will give you the cure.
You hope beyond hope as you reach for the rack.
Your fingers grasp wildly for cloth—but alack!
You find no hot towel beyond the bath stall—
In fact, you discover no towel at all!
But do you give up? Do you cower in doubt?
That’s not what Adventure Hotel is about!

No no, mighty quester, so bold and so certain,
You stride through the hallway wrapped up in the curtain
In search of the treasure, the mythical prize:
The glittering doorway that’s labeled “Supplies.”
You knock three loud knocks, but no guardian comes.
The air rushes toward you; it crackles and hums.
The door falls away as you give a great heave,
And what is inside, you can scarcely believe!

The towels! The toothpastes! The tiny shampoo!
The soaps! And the sheets! And the TP rolls too!
You grab them with glee, leaving nothing to spare!
You’ve conquered the quest, so they’re yours fair and square!
You stride to your room and you laugh in your might!
Heroic and gallant, the conquering knight!
Adventure Hotel—stay a night and you’ll see.
The room’s eighty bucks; the adventure is free!

Planet of the Grapes

Behold the Planet of the Grapes!
So juicy and so round!
It orbited its mighty sun
And made a squishy sound.

Alas, its orbit grew too close
Around that distant star.
The only grape who knew the truth
Cried warnings near and far.

"Our planet has no solid core!
The center's soft and seedless!"
From vine to vine, he warned each bunch,
But all the grapes were heedless.

And so he built a rocket-fridge
And set the engines blazin',
And blasted off his baby as
The world became a raisin.

And, well, I guess you know the rest—
The fridge touched down on Earth.
It bore a bulbous baby of
Immeasurable worth.

As strong as twenty cantaloupes!
So dashing in his cape!
Protecting produce everywhere!
The mighty SuperGrape!

Sunday, June 6, 2010


The sky may be raining
But I’m not complaining!
There’s still so much fun to be had!

There’s inner-tube bumping,
And big-puddle jumping,
And Water Olympics with Dad!

There’s mud-castle stomping,
And rain-barrel romping,
And rolling around like a hog!

And squashing and squishing,
And wading-pool fishing,
And wet tug-of-war with the dog!

The gutters are gushing
Like waterfalls rushing,
The driveway’s a big water-slide!

But now the sun’s out,
And I sigh, and I pout,
And I guess I’ll just go back inside.


Oh what is the name for the back of my elbow?
And how ’bout the back of my knee?
And what do you call the dent under my nose
Where it seems like a mustache should be?

And how ’bout the large inner-ear fold?
Or the hairs on the tops of my toes?
And what do you call that big vein on Dad’s head
That gets redder the madder he grows?

Whoever writes names for the parts of the body
Has sure got a difficult job!
So until all my questions are answered completely,
I’ll just have to call them all “Bob.”