Monday, July 31, 2017

Your Weather Forecast

It’s looking like a tricky night for weather in the city.
There’s lots of trouble on the way, and travel won’t be pretty.
The chance we'll get some thunderstorms is sixty-five percent,
Plus winds that make you say some words you’d given up for Lent.
The chance of snow’s at four percent, and three percent it’s sleet,
And two percent it’s little tiny flecks of luncheon meat.
It’s likely you’ll see dime-sized hail, no matter where you are—
Plus one just like a bowling ball that lands upon your car.
Expect to hit the tail end of a Category Four,
So stock up on your bleach and milk and white bread at the store.
We should get bolts of laser rain descending from the sky,
Plus streaks of fire that reek of angry judgment from on high.
We’ve made this nightly forecast with the best tools that we’ve got.
The chance is one percent it’s true, and ninety-nine it’s not.

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Side Effects May Include

You may develop headaches which will last for several hours. 
You may break out in tiny hives before your daily showers. 
A ring of greenish suction marks may show up on your tongue. 
Your nose may tingle slightly at the scent of ferret dung. 
A prejudice may cross your mind against select Norwegians. 
You may imagine rows of ants along your nether regions. 
You'll either feel extreme fatigue and loss of appetite,
Or else your eyes will see through space and time with super-sight. 
Your face may swell to seven times its customary size. 
A tribe of angry polka dots may colonize your thighs. 
But once your spleen grows back and all your taste buds have stopped twitching,
Then if this drug does what it should, your armpit should stop itching!

Friday, July 28, 2017

What if?

What if there’s a blizzard? Or seven feet of rain?
What if giant lizard men come down to eat my brain?
What if all my pets escape and run into the woods?
What if pirates come and plunder all our neighborhoods?
What if a tornado comes and whooshes us away?
What if a tomato monster squooshes me today?
What if there’s a nest of mole rats living in my hair?
What if there’s a massive problem in my underwear?
What if I get super powers and a super mission?
What if I get jelly babies stuck in my transmission?
What if our internal organs all swell up and BURST?!

Would we still have this test today?
We would?
Ugh, you’re the worst.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Crazy Glorch’s Discount Wands!

Attention witches, wizards, gnomes, and mermaids from the ponds—
Why pay top price?  Come down to Crazy Glorch’s Discount Wands!
At Syllamander’s Shoppe you’re paying mainly for the label.
But we’ve got wands at wholesale costs—dirt cheap, and mostly stable!
Check out this fine mahogany with core of Griffin feather—
It cuts through cans and frying pans and thickest dragon leather!
It’s polished with a sasquatch pelt to never lose its shine!
It’s yours for just three payments of eleven ninety-nine!
This Wand-o-Matic ULTRA is the new must-have invention—
With Spell-Check, texting, hexting, it’s the latest in pretension!
And try this mammoth narwhal tusk for giants, oafs, and trolls—
It gives the user whale-sized strength, plus shiny new blowholes!
This little hollow plastic one we call The MollyCoddler—
It makes a gentle whooshing noise—just perfect for your toddler!
And then there’s our deep discount bin, for when the budget’s tight.
They’re two for twenty, three for free, and seven just for spite.
The crooked wand’s a bargain if you like to go kablooey,
This chocolate one won’t do much, but the nougat center’s chewy.
Here’s one that’s just a plain old stick, this one’s a rawhide bone,
This “wand” is a banana you can play with like a phone.
At Crazy Glorch’s Discount Wands we offer no returns.
Our store is not responsible for scorches, scars, or burns.
Come down for Merlin Madness Day—the biggest sale all year!
Shop now before these beauties—and these prices—disappear!

Monday, July 24, 2017

Not Until

The pigs have flown, the cows came home,
The rivers have run dry,
The twelfth of never came and went,
The snow fell in July.
The sun rose in the west, my dear,
Above a four-leaf clover,
We’ve passed a month of Sundays now,
And Hell has frozen over.
Now two plus two is seventeen—
Of that, I have no doubt.
And I don’t want to say from where
The monkeys have flown out.
So I don’t mean to hassle you, 
But still, for what it’s worth,
You promised you’d go out with me—
The only man on earth.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

The Hollow

In the darkness of the forest,
Where you’ve never been before,
There’s a hollow in an ancient tree
That looks just like a door.
And you swear you hear it calling you,
The voice is high and thin,
And it’s beckoning and tempting you,
Come in, dear child, come in.
And there’s nobody around you,
Not a creature in the wood,
And you step a little closer,
And you start to feel so good.
And your worries fade to stardust,
And your cares disperse with ease,
As you melt a little deeper
In the shadows, in the trees.
And the hollow doesn’t judge you,
And the hollow doesn’t fear,
And you long to join the hollow,
And you long to disappear.
And the voice keeps calling high and thin,
Yet somehow soft and low,
And the tree grows ever closer,
As you feel yourself let go.
Then the crackle of a nearby branch,
And, ah, the spell is broken.
And you shake yourself and rub your eyes
As though you’ve just awoken.
And the hollow sits in silence,
And it calls to you no more
As you turn and slowly walk away
Across the forest floor.
But you steal a backward glance and feel
A twinge of loss and sorrow.
And you know, despite yourself,
That you’ll be back again tomorrow.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

The Chosen One

You are the chosen one, legends have told,
Prophecies, scriptures, and ballads of old,
All have foreseen, and the fates must obey—
A champion rises this glorious day!
A leader who strives from his humble beginning
To fight the good fight until justice is winning.
A warrior bold as the winds from the north
To size up the challenge and bravely set forth.
A man wise as ages, in spite of his youth,
Who sees beyond vision and knows beyond truth.
When forces of chaos bring dark disarray,
He hesitates not, but leaps into the fray!
The moment’s upon us — this fight must be won!
By all that is sacred, the deed must be done!
The chosen one acts without batting a lash.
It’s you, my dear son — now please take out the trash!

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Howard's Hobby Station

Come to Howard’s Hobby Station,
Best craft store in all the nation.
For your every hobby need,
We’ve got choices, guaranteed!
Spangles, sparkles, needles, threads,
Creepy little dolly heads,
Paints and yarns and wooden dowels,
Handmade heirloom paper towels,
Glue guns, fabrics, scrapbook stencils,
Sixteen thousand colored pencils!
Beads and gems for jewelry making,
Molds and pans for custom caking,
Patches, matches, lids and latches,
Candle wax in tiny batches.
All these things in stock for sure,
Plus some hobbies more obscure—
Itchy undergarment knitting,
“Birthday Coupon” counterfeiting,
Shoelace aglet crafts for dummies,
Hooks and wraps for homemade mummies,
Google-eyed jacuzzi jets,
Cockroach taxidermy sets,
Vintage arcade game de-Froggers,
Toenail fungus catalogers,
Gerbil bunkbed-building kits,
Snowglobes made from cheesy grits,
Hand-dyed plastic pumpkin seeds,
Plus some stuff that no one needs!
Overpriced and understaffed,
We’ve got crud for every craft!
Come, expand your hobby hoard!
(No returns when you get bored).