Monday, June 19, 2017

The Number One “Number 2 Pencil”

It’s yellow!  It’s wood!
It writes like it should!
The world’s finest marking utensil!
It’s dark, it won’t smudge,
Oh its greatness won’t budge!
The number one “Number 2 pencil”!

On notepads? Fantastic!
Why, even on plastic!
It glides like the wind through a stencil.
It’s simply the best 
On each standardized test.
The number one “Number 2 pencil”!

It’s easy to grip it,
A monkey could slip it
Between his tail curls so prehensile.
The tip is well pointed,
It’s sacred, anointed,
The number one “Number 2 pencil”!

Just like the Round Table,
With wood firm and stable,
Not sloppy or floppy or tensile.
Its marks so defined
On blank paper or lined,
The number one “Number 2 pencil”!

A writing delight,
With its sharpness and might,
To last through a thousand harsh winters!
All others are scrap
When this pencil . . . OH, SNAP!
The number one . . . uh . . . big pile of splinters.

Friday, June 16, 2017

Father's Day Shopping

It’s Father’s Day this Sunday,
And I swear it’s not too late!
Shop “Tony’s Last-Ditch Discount Gifts”
And pick out something great!
There’s mugs of every shape and size,
“Top Dad” and “Perfect Pop.”
A hat with built-in hair to hide
That shiny spot on top.
A baseball-shaped umbrella stand—
The bat glows in the dark!
A combo-flashlight-pooper-scoop
For night walks in the park. 
A neck-tie golf-ball polisher—
That always comes in handy.
 A forty-dollar gift card for
“The King of Cotton Candy,”
Some flashing keychains, beer can holders,
Grilling odds and ends,
A singing fish that’s sure earn some
Eye-rolls from your friends.
A rainbow painting made from
Different shades of macaroni,
A dozen truck stop license plates
And magnets that say “Tony.”
We’re running quite a special—
Buy one gift and take five free!
Your dad is sure to love them
If he’s anything like me.
The prices aren’t set on these—
I’ll take the lowest bids!
No refunds, all sales final.
(Oh, and please don’t tell my kids!)