Sunday, May 31, 2009


Spitballs in the water fountain, 
Toilets full of trash,  
Classroom windows shattered 
With a rock, a crunch, a CRASH!

Blackboards smeared with mashed potatoes, 
Frogs on every chair, 
Gum crammed into every book, 
And boogers everywhere!

Lunch-room is a war-zone 
Where the food is flung with glee. 
Chalk’s been spotted in some places 
Chalk should never be.

Wedgies, purple nurples, 
And “behavioral disruption” 
Burst from every classroom 
Like a fiery eruption.

You might think they’re lonely, 
Or imagine they get glummer, 
But teachers do some crazy things 
When kids are gone for summer!

Awards Day

They gave awards at school today 
For everyone to see, 
And everybody came away 
With one—except for me.   

First Julie got "Best Attitude," 
Then Brandon took "Best Smile." 
Mackenzie swept "Most Crass and Crude," 
And Timmy won "Most Vile."   

The whole jazz band won "Best Jazz Band," 
The drummer won "Best Drummer." 
Then Andy picked up "Smartest" and 
"Most Likely to Get Dumber."   

Throughout the day the stage was crossed 
By every kid in school. 
Except for me—I even lost 
The trophy for "Least Cool."   

Then at the end I hung my head 
And started out the door, 
Until my teacher called instead, 
"Hold on--we've got one more!"   

The lights dimmed low, the spotlight shone, 
They played momentous chords, 
Then dragged me up there on my own 
To win for "Least Awards"!   

I felt so happy through and through, 
They handed me a plaque. 
Then, since it was no longer true, 
They made me give it back.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Just One Sprocket!

I only need one sprocket 
To complete my backyard rocket 
And I’ve looked through all the pockets 
Of my pants.   

I found a tiny shoe 
And a cookie—almost new 
And book on how to do 
The chicken dance.   

I found my neighbor’s kitty 
And a diamond ring—so pretty! 
And a miniature city 
From the moon.   

And a watch that freezes time, 
And a snail with magic slime, 
And a mountain I could climb 
This afternoon.   

Then I found a dragon hissing, 
And two little robots kissing, 
And the keys that Mom was missing 
From her purse.   

I found all the stars above, 
And a planet made of love, 
And the Deepest Secrets of 
The Universe   

But not a single sprocket 
To complete my backyard rocket! 
Oh, I guess I’ll have to dock it 
By the tree.   

I should be out exploring, 
With my rocket ship a-roaring, 
But my life is just so boring! 
Woe is me!

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Watch the Baby!

Mom said I should watch the baby 
While she's at the store. 
"Now, young man, I don't mean maybe!" 
Then she slammed the door.   

With a frown, I sighed again, 
"I hope he's not too needy!" 
I shut the TV down, and then 
I watched him—yes indeedy!   

I watched the baby crawl around, 
I watched the baby cry, 
I watched him ride the Bassett Hound 
And make the goldfish fly.   

I watched the baby yanking at 
The dining table cloth. 
I watched him yak in Daddy's hat, 
I watched him eat a moth.  

I watched him lick the windows clear 
Just like a windshield wiper, 
Then watched him as he laughed and smeared 
Them with his stinky diaper.   

My baby-watching's just begun— 
I hope Mom stays away! 
If I knew it was this much fun, 
I'd watch him every day!

Special Delivery!

Oh what's in this packet? 
It could be a jacket! 
A new tennis racket! 
A nail for a bracket, 
A hammer to whack it. 
A poster?  I'll tack it! 
Some shelving?  I'll stack it! 
A duckie?  I'll quack it! 
A cracker?  I'll crack it! 
A locket?  I lack it! 
A rope?  I'll unslack it! 
A tooth?  I'll de-plaque it! 

A rhyme dictionary? 
I think I'll send back it.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Pot Luck

First step is bring the water to a boil, 
Then add a tablespoon of olive oil. 
Some carrots, chopped, a dash of coriander, 
Then eye of newt and tail of salamander. 
Some diced potatoes, celery, and corn, 
A tail-hair from a golden unicorn. 
Some cooking sherry, maybe half a flagon, 
Three toenails from a double-headed dragon, 
Tomato paste, fresh beans, a pound of chicken, 
(A little flour helps the whole thing thicken). 
A serpent's tooth, the eyelids of a toad, 
And just a dash of pepper for the road.   

Whoever said a batch of witches' brew 
Can't also be the most delicious stew? 
Besides--when what I feed them's not disgusting, 
I find the little children far more trusting.

Sunday, May 17, 2009


Cinderella dressed in yella
Went upstairs to kiss her fella.
By mistake she kissed a snake!
How many doctors will it take?

Sleeping Beauty, what a cutie,
Fell downstairs and smacked her booty.
Now it's sore, she's on the floor.
She won't sleepwalk anymore.

Thumbelina, small and lean-a,
Hopping like a jumping bean-a.
So unstable in her fable
Plunged right off the kitchen table!

Thinks Prince Charming, "How alarming!
Ladies all themselves are harming!"
"Where's their pride," he sneers, so snide,
Then stumbles off a mountainside.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

You Know The Tune—Sing Along!

There’s a flavor in my sodee 
That I can’t identify, 
And it tastes so gross and grody, 
And I can’t imagine why!   

Oh I always thought a soft drink 
Should be bubbly and so sweet, 
But the one I’m drinking now, I think, 
Tastes like Thanksgiving meat!   

Salty and sav’ry! 
Juicy and plump! 
Kind of like gravy! 
Even has lumps!   

Tell me now before I count to ten— 
Who crammed all this turkey in my straw again?!?

Squawk! Whistle!

You would think a pirate’s parrot has the best perch in the land, 
With a bird’s eye view of mayhem from the shoulder where he stands, 
With adventure and excitement rolling o’er the briny sea. 
Yes, a parrot lives a dashing life—unless, of course, you’re me.   

From the first day I was brought aboard, I had my share of doubts. 
There were no cries of “Avast, ye dogs!”  No screams or songs or shouts. 
Not a single plundered village, not a single conquered ship, 
Just some tuneless happy humming in my ear from Cap’n Chip.   

Cap’n Chip is not the biggest, Cap’n Chip is not too mean, 
Cap’n Chip weighs in at ninety pounds—he’s barely seventeen. 
Well, he never says “Me hearties,” and he rarely shouts “Ahoy!” 
Instead, if he’s excited, it’s “Gee Golly!” or “Oh BOY!”   

Every day he hoists the flag, and every day it’s something dull— 
Books where bones are supposed to be, a snail where there should be a skull. 
When he should be chasing wenches, stealing treasure, drinking grog, 
He prefers to read, drink tea, and then spell-check the captain’s log.   

Both his legs are still attached, and neither hand has got a hook, 
And he’ll never shiver timbers with that wide-eyed nervous look. 
Cap’n Chip brings out a parasol to shade himself at beaches, 
And of all the pirate parrot names, he likes to call me “Peaches.”   

Oh one day the tide will turn, my friends, one day I’ll seize my chance, 
When the Cap’n’s planting herbs again, or learning ballroom dance. 
First I’ll call the crew and promise a true pirate’s life that’s bolder, 
Then I’ll rule them with an iron beak—and Chip upon my shoulder.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

A Perfect Match

An elk once loved a caribou, 
And said, "My dearest friend, 
I always will take care of you 
And love you 'til the end."   

So even if you're different, 
Don't let difference cause you fear. 
And never let it keep you 
From the one that you hold deer.

The Hybrid

They told me, “Get a hybrid!” 
That’s exactly what I did. 
I bought a car that’s half a truck 
And half a giant squid.   

It's got a flat-bed in the back, 
Its seats are smooth and sleek, 
It scares off all tailgaters 
With its giant razor-beak.   

It comes equipped with four-wheel drive 
And every new refinement. 
I rarely need to take it in 
For tentacle alignment.   

I save so much on gasoline 
I feel a little selfish— 
Just pour in half a gallon 
And a bucket full of shellfish.   

It drives up mountains smoothly 
So you never feel the motion. 
Though sometimes it prefers to prowl 
The bottom of the ocean.   

And all was going swimmingly 
Until that jerk next door 
Pulled up in half a minivan 
And half Tyrannosaur!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

The Jester

I hope that I can make you laugh. 
It is my deepest wish 
To swiftly split your sides in half 
Where you're most tickle-ish.   

To make you chuckle, chortle, snort 
And cackle in your glee, 
Guffawing 'til your breath is short 
In merriment of me.   

But if I should amuse you not, 
--Of tea, I'm not your cup-- 
Just gather all the cash you've got 
And pay me to shut up.


Find some candy on the floor, 
Eat it ’til your tummy’s sore. 
Leave the milk out, lightly spoil it, 
Use a toothbrush from the toilet. 
Play in snow without a scarf, 
Spin and spin until you barf. 
Oh how smart you think you is, 
Trying to skip your English quiz.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Things You'll Need

Pack a toothbrush, pack some soap, 
Pack your dreams and pack your hope.   

Pack a jacket, pack some pants, 
Pack a little song and dance.   

Pack some socks, and pack some shoes. 
Pack what you most fear to lose.   

Pack your kindness, pack your care. 
Don't forget clean underwear.   

Pack your courage, pack your brains, 
Something warm in case it rains.   

And when you've packed all you can see, 
Pack an extra hug from me.

Luk Eday

I cant bee leave my luk too day,

My inglish techer pasta weigh.

Fir tryna tee chmee howdaspel,

I hop that sukr berns in hel.

Pie Stand

Folks of every shape and size
Love to eat my deep-fried pies! 
Spoons they lick, and bowls they scrape-- 
'Til they're all one size and shape.


Oh come and behold my most favoritest toy,
The latest and greatest new cell phone--Oh Boy! 
It checks all my email, it surfs on the net, 
It keeps track of all the new friends that I've met. 
It takes all my music wherever it goes, 
If I don't have time, then it watches my shows. 
It plays with my dog, and it waters my plants, 
It fixes my breakfast and presses my pants. 
On every sudoku, it offers a hint. 
It's shiny and tiny and cost me a mint. 
But worth every penny--this phone does it all!
If only I knew how to answer a call . . .

Monday, May 4, 2009

Andy's Poem Planet

Welcome, children, one and all
To Andy's Poem Planet. 
With rhythms rolling like the seas 
And rhymes of solid granite. 
With continents of chaos 
Bound by oceans of control. 
There's forests full of Tickle Bears 
And mountains full of soul. 
So send your rovers, send your landers, 
Dance upon the shores. 
I'll share with you my deepest dreams 
And still save room for yours.