New Diet

I’m starting a new diet,

’Cause I’ve got to watch my weight.

You really ought to try it--

There’s a lot to fill your plate!

For breakfast I have scrambled ick,

As much as I can take in.

I wash the taste out nice and quick

With two thick strips of fakin’.

At lunch it’s sham and tease on lie--

It slightly burns the lips.

It goes down smoother if you try

A few fauxtato chips.

At dinnertime, I choose between

“Delightful Fricken’ Tacos”

Or--just as yummy, slightly green--

“De Frightful Chicken Mock-Os”

Before I go to bed, I bake

Some frownies, fresh and hot.

Or grab a frosty cold bilkshake,

It almost hits the spot!

I weigh in every afternoon--

It never helps my mood.

I hope the weight will come off soon--

I really need some FOOD!

The "Everything Under the Sun" Store

Gentlemen, ladies, from Heaven to Hades,

Come one and all, all and one!

Announcing a store that’s like nothing before!

Shop “Everything Under the Sun!”

Whatever you’re seeking, what interest you’re piquing,

A gift or a treat for yourself,

You’ll find it inside, certified, bona fide,

On a thirteen-by-thirty inch shelf.

There’s socks and there’s shoes, and there’s clocks with a “snooze,”

There’s mushrooms and masks--gas or scuba.

A white wedge of brie, and a fake Christmas tree

With an ornament shaped like a tuba.

There’s bongos and lentils and video rentals,

There’s teacups and tiny tree turtles,

And clickers and crackers and slickers for slackers,

And great-grandma’s garish old girdles.

We’ve got magazines and some justified means

And an odd bunch of ends to go with ’em.

There’s backpacks and barley, the Ghost of Old Marley,

And music and my girl and rhythm.

We’re stocked up on tissues and egg nog and issues

Of old comic books from the thirties.

And footballs and mummies, ventriloquist dummies,

And pink-speckled man-eating birdies.

And knick-knacks and noodles, and pick-pocket-poodles,

And groundhogs and crashed UFOs.

Screwdrivers and grapes, and some transparent drapes

(Though we don’t sell many of those).

Oh the checkout’s a pain, ’cause there’s no express lane--

“Ten Items or Less” is no fun!

But whatever you need, oh it’s here guaranteed.

At “Everything Under the Sun!”

So come in, drop a dime, have a fabulous time!

We hope you’ll be coming back soon!

But if you need a seller of Werewolf Repeller,

Try “Everything Under the Moon!”