Routine Maintenance

Spin the wheels and test the brakes,
Clean the clogged-up air intakes.
When you’re done with that assignment,
Tighten up the rear alignment.
Change the oil and pump that tire.
How long ’til the shocks expire?
Swap the belts and check transmission.
Can we make this no-emission?
Fix the dents, buff out the scratches,
Press the buttons, pull the latches.
When the services are through,
Polish every bolt and screw.
Now I’ll have my satisfaction--
Mega-Kill-Bot primed for action!

Half-Birthday Party!

Wear your half-a-party-hat--(It’s just the rubber band).

Here’s your half-balloon--(It’s just a ribbon in your hand).

Blow out half the candles on your droopy half-a-cake--

(Half the flour, half the eggs, and half the time to bake).

Half of us will sing to you, but only half the song.

Half will sing your name correctly, half will sing it wrong.

Pour a half-a-glass of soda in your half-a-cup.

Open your half-presents--(empty boxes all wrapped up).

Play with half your friends, and when the party’s halfway through,

Make a good half-birthday wish, and may it half come true!

If You Were…

If you were a blanket,
I'd snuggle you up. 
If you were some coffee,
I'd fill up my cup. 
If you were a mountain,
I'd climb to the top. 
If you were a flip, well then,
I'd be your flop. 

If you were a sparrow,
I'd live in the trees. 
If you were a milkshake,
I'd risk a brain-freeze. 
If you were a seashell,
I'd put up my ear. 
If you were invisible,
I'd disappear. 

If you were a quiz question,
I'd take a guess. 
If you were a doorbell,
I'd give you a press. 
If you were a razor,
I'd get a close shave. 
But since you're a cactus,
I think I'll just wave. 

Real Estate?

Home for sale!  New listing!  Come and see it for yourselves!

Twelve big bedrooms, each with gold-encrusted built-in shelves!

Dining room seats eighty, there’s a full-size roller rink,

Kitchen’s got five ovens and a new self-cleaning sink!

Seven living rooms for every different kind of living--

Reading, lounging, chatting, games, plus three just for Thanksgiving!

Bowling alley in the basement, pool with water slide,

Hidden passage, spiral staircase, spinning teacup ride.

Robot arms above the bed for day-or-night massage,

Fully furnished dog apartment over the garage.

Secret second-level basement with a big arcade--

Tickets, ball pits, robot band, and pizza--freshly made!

Sixty-thousand or best offer!  Seller highly rated!

(Details may be changed, and may have been exaggerated).