Ode to the TARDIS Outside the Earls Court Tube Station

I can’t believe my luck today,

‘Cause right here on the street

I found a time-and-space machine

To make my life complete! 

And—holy moly, look at that!

This thing still has one credit!

So I can take a trip for free—

Now, where and when to set it?

Perhaps I’ll see the Renaissance—

Old Shakespeare and his lot.

Or ride astride a T-Rex in

The Land that Time Forgot!

Or maybe I’ll explore

The forty-second century,

See ray guns, starships, robots

And all things adventurey!

I could head into outer space,

Fly rings around the sun,

And cross five distant nebulae

Before the day’s begun.

I’d steer around Uranus

Where the poison gases smother.

Or was that on Urelbow?

I don’t know one from the other.

Then interfere in some far off

Galactic Federation,

And tyrannize a microscopic

Plant civilization.

I only get one chance at this,

One time-and-spacey stop.

I can’t believe I found it—

I’m so happy I could POP!

I know—I’ll just go back five minutes 

Right here in this place.

Right back to when I found it—

I just HAVE to see my FACE!

Me Land

I’ve opened up a theme park,

Oh, it’s wonderful to see!

A land of pure enchantment,

For the theme I picked is “Me!”

 At “Me Land” you can be like me!

You’ll eat and sleep and play,

You’ll dine and dance and shop and spend

And do it all MY way!

To ride the rides you have to be

At least Me-inches tall. 

It’s worth it, though, to ride on

“It’s a Me World After All.”

There’s twenty-seven meet and greets,

Each with a costumed Me!

The “Festival of Me” parade

Runs daily ten to three. 

The restaurants serve what I like—

Rice pudding in a can. 

No substitutions, if you please,

It’s paid for in your plan. 

At “Me Shop” down on “Me Street”

Make a brand new “Build-A-Me!”

It’s thirty-seven fifty,

But the “Me Scent Pod” is free!

So if you need some wonderment,

You know just what to do.   

Just come on down to “Me Land,” friend,

Where all my dreams come true!

Jumbo-Sized

I went to buy a muffin at my local muffin store.

The man said I could jumbo-size for thirty-nine cents more.

I’m pretty sure I got much more than I had bargained for.

I’ve never lived inside a three-floor bran muffin before!

Now maybe you will not believe this woeful pastry story.

Perhaps you think it’s something like a half-baked allegory.

But here I am, encased in crumby, sticky purgatory!

(They also come in blueberry and vegan morning glory).

From dawn to dusk I nibble, nosh, eat up, chow down, and munch,

The walls are soft and pliable, the chimney has a crunch.

I’ve been at this for weeks now, and I sadly have a hunch,

I may live out my days ensnared in puffy perma-brunch!

My mouth I cram, my face I fill, my belly I’ve been stuffin’,

I feel my guts expanding as my arteries all toughen!

I’ve threatened legal action, but the baker knows I’m bluffin’.

A pox upon this cursèd giant loathsome yummy muffin!

If I could order it again, I’m sure I would revise it.

I thought that more was better, but I’m starting to despise it!

Oh please bring me a can of paint—at least I can disguise it!

Or better yet, bring coffee—but be sure to jumbo-size it!

A Healthy Romance

If I were a potato 

Growing down beneath a tree,

I’d always keep my eyes peeled 

Just to find the one for me. 

And if I were a cornstalk 

Growing golden up above,

I’d give the world an earful 

Just to find the one I love. 

Oh if I were a broccoli in love, 

I’d just adore it!

I’d point my car toward romance 

And, my darling, I would floret!

If I were but a pepper, 

I’d hope love would ring my bell. 

And if I were a cabbage, 

I might lose my head as well!

Oh and if I were a carrot, 

Then true love is what I’d root for. 

And if I were bamboo, 

Why then you know it’s what I’d shoot for. 

But since I am a fungus, 

And it’s you that I adore,

I hope that you’ll accept these puns—

There’s not mushroom for more!