My fellow Americans, guests large and small,
And friends from each country and nation,
I’m humbled and honored to welcome you all:
The Banquet of Inauguration!
The battle was tough, but we won the election.
I’m free, now, to do as I want.
I’ve just made my first Presidential Selection,
The absolute best restaurant!
So come to the table, the food’s almost ready—
No business tonight, if you please.
Just breadsticks and pizza, a side of spaghetti,
And games all night at Chuck E. Cheese™!
There’s Pac-Man and Frogger and Q-Bert and Pong!
And all the great hits of the eighties!
I’ll kick all your butts if we play Donkey Kong—
My score’s higher than the First Lady’s!
Who cares if the system is rigged or unstable
Or if the economy’s broken?
My stimulus package is right on the table—
You each get a shiny free token!
The pizza is steaming! The robots are singing!
There’s no bitter partisan rancor!
Oh, check out the cake that the First Mom is bringing!
With sparklers! (Remember to thank her.)
And I get to throw the Inaugural Ball—
I’ll make it go right up the ramp!
Right into five thousand—Commander of ALL!
(Unless my right hand gets a cramp).
The head of the Treasury counts every ticket,
She’ll get you the prizes you choose—
Some spider rings, finger traps, or, if you pick it,
Some sweet Presidential Tattoos!
Tonight we’re one Party, one Nation united!
Be sure that you clean up your mess!
Next week at the Steak Shack, you’re all re-invited:
The State of the Onion Address!