Magazine Drive

Excuse me, sir, to help my school

I'm selling magazines. 

The perfect chance to show support

For all the local teens. 

I brought this giant catalog

For just a short review. 

Let's find the best selection here

Especially for you. 

We’ve got the standards, TOME and Newswonk,

EntertainMe Weakly,

We’ve still got Poople, TV God,

And Living Ancient Greekly.

There’s Frog Aficionado,

Or Toad Monthly if you please.

There’s Crockpot Illustrated

And What’s New in Beaver Cheese.

Are you a sports enthusiast?

Check out Cats Playing Cricket.

Try Storage Closet Monthly—

It can tell you where to stick it.

If you’re a frequent traveler,

Then you’ll love Tour Nebraska,

The chef in you will cherish

Weekly Ways to Bake Alaska.

And, if you’re feeling naughty,

There's a special new selection:

The Whoopie Cushion Quarterly

To add to your collection. 

Subscribe to any that you like,

'Cause helping schools is nice!

I'll put you down for three or four

At twice the cover price. 

I'll take a check or credit card.

It's fine, I've got all day. 

Or, if you give me twenty cash,

I might just go away!

Stuffed

I got some mashed potatoes

And I crammed them up inside.

A dozen stewed tomatoes

And a walnut, lightly fried.

Some jelly beans, a bar of soap,

A tiny rubber chicken,

Four chunks of moldy cantaloupe 

All ready for the stickin’.

I shoved in half a sticky bun

(It’s just a little chewed),

Some chocolate chips and, just for fun,

My “Super Action Dude™”!

A can of cola, black-eyed peas,

The rest of my burrito,

Some raisin bran, my grandpa’s keys,

My record-setting Cheeto.

I tossed in some beef jerky,

Then I slammed the oven shut.

They said to stuff the turkey,

But they never said with what!