Closing Argument

“Your honor, the defendant stands accused before the court

Of crimes quite reprehensible. The list is none too short.

Three counts of grand theft auto with a rusty old machete,

Two counts of public lewdness with a plate of cold spaghetti,

Obstructing heavy traffic wearing only a fedora,

Conducting a Bar Mitzvah with a giant gummi Torah,

Misspelling girlfriends’ names on half a dozen big tattoos,

Removing final chapters from a shelf of Nancy Drews,

Kidnapping a koala from a wildlife sanctuary,

Assaulting strangers dressed up as the ‘Random Beat-Down Fairy,’

Providing pure ghost pepper juice to quench his grandma’s thirst,

And thirty-seven separate counts of murder in the first.

Your honor, he must answer for each horrible offense.”

“Agreed. Now do you have a thing to say in your defense?”

The little man inhaled and eyed the jury on their stools,

And then he offered his defense:  “Your honor . . . APRIL FOOLS!”

The Works

Hello?  I’d like a pizza, please,

A deep dish extra large.

And on one half I want the works,

No matter what the charge.

That’s pepperoni, sausage, onions,

Mushrooms, turnip greens,

Sun-dried tomato, pineapple,

Some tiny jelly beans,

Dill pickle slices, candy corn,

Those salty little fishes,

Six chocolate chips, five onion rings,

Four pretzel rods, three wishes,

An eye of newt, some batwing flakes,

Green peppers, bacon bits,

The essence of a dying star,

A glob of cheesy grits,

Blue diamonds, purple horseshoes,

Garlic chicken, clotted cream,

Black olives, gummy peaches,

And a newborn baby’s dream.

So that’s the first half, that’s the works,

And extra napkins, please.

And on the other half?  Let’s see . . .

I guess I’ll go with . . . cheese.

Dream Cheese

I was hungry, just a smidge, 

So I opened up my fridge,

And I pawed through every bottle, jar, and can.

As I feasted both my eyes, 

I was taken by surprise

By a tiny balding six-inch little man!

“I’m the cottage cheese,” he said,

“For, you see, you’re still in bed,

And this dream you’re having sure is very strange.”

Well, a moment then went by,

And this tiny balding guy

Gave a hefty belch and then began to change.

He became a pink banana,

And he sang “Copacabana,”

While he shook his two maracas and he twirled.

Then a flash of light exploded,

The banana growed and growded,

And became the biggest sausage in the world!

As I watched him, still in slumber,

He became a big cucumber,

Then a fully tricked out sixties muscle car.

Then a wiener in a bun,

And before the job was done,

For some reason he became a big cigar.

It was this point in my dreaming

I could feel the subtext screaming

And, I tell you, I began to get annoyed.

Oh I swear, tomorrow night

I will just turn out the light

And I won’t sit up late reading Dr. Freud!

New Years Countdown

10 is for the new friends I befriended,

9 is for the ones I drove away.

8 is how I ate too much at Christmas,

7 is the extra pounds I weigh,

6 is for my major faults in judgment,

5 is just how many I’ll admit.

4 is for last year’s new resolutions,

3 is for the days before I quit.

2 is for the two of us together,

1 is just ’cause you’re the one for me.

Happy New Year to my favorite person,

Who makes each year my favorite time to be!

Prince Charmin

There’s a damsel in distress!

She’s stranded on the bowl!

She cries out, “Someone help me,

For I haven’t got a roll!”

He’s at her side in seconds, 

With a speed a bit alarmin’.

He’s bold, prepared, and fearless—

Feast your eyes upon Prince Charmin!

He plunders every cabinet

To bring a fresh supply!

He’s stocked the plain, the quilted,

And the precious triple-ply.

His skills are legendary

And his smile’s a bit disarmin’.

He’s kindly and embraceable,

But please don’t squeeze Prince Charmin!

And when his job is over

And his duty has been done,

He hears a cry for help, and now

Another quest’s begun!

Prince Charmin doesn’t grumble,

And Prince Charmin doesn’t groan—

He’s destined to be next in line,

But never on the throne.

Ode to the TARDIS Outside the Earls Court Tube Station

I can’t believe my luck today,

‘Cause right here on the street

I found a time-and-space machine

To make my life complete! 

And—holy moly, look at that!

This thing still has one credit!

So I can take a trip for free—

Now, where and when to set it?

Perhaps I’ll see the Renaissance—

Old Shakespeare and his lot.

Or ride astride a T-Rex in

The Land that Time Forgot!

Or maybe I’ll explore

The forty-second century,

See ray guns, starships, robots

And all things adventurey!

I could head into outer space,

Fly rings around the sun,

And cross five distant nebulae

Before the day’s begun.

I’d steer around Uranus

Where the poison gases smother.

Or was that on Urelbow?

I don’t know one from the other.

Then interfere in some far off

Galactic Federation,

And tyrannize a microscopic

Plant civilization.

I only get one chance at this,

One time-and-spacey stop.

I can’t believe I found it—

I’m so happy I could POP!

I know—I’ll just go back five minutes 

Right here in this place.

Right back to when I found it—

I just HAVE to see my FACE!

Me Land

I’ve opened up a theme park,

Oh, it’s wonderful to see!

A land of pure enchantment,

For the theme I picked is “Me!”

 At “Me Land” you can be like me!

You’ll eat and sleep and play,

You’ll dine and dance and shop and spend

And do it all MY way!

To ride the rides you have to be

At least Me-inches tall. 

It’s worth it, though, to ride on

“It’s a Me World After All.”

There’s twenty-seven meet and greets,

Each with a costumed Me!

The “Festival of Me” parade

Runs daily ten to three. 

The restaurants serve what I like—

Rice pudding in a can. 

No substitutions, if you please,

It’s paid for in your plan. 

At “Me Shop” down on “Me Street”

Make a brand new “Build-A-Me!”

It’s thirty-seven fifty,

But the “Me Scent Pod” is free!

So if you need some wonderment,

You know just what to do.   

Just come on down to “Me Land,” friend,

Where all my dreams come true!