You Gotta

Every now and then, you gotta

Raise a little heck!

You gotta toss the niceness out

And dig up all the dreck!

You gotta roll in sludgy mud,

You gotta scream with glee!

You gotta coat your hair with cheese

And set your belches free!

You gotta make a castle

Out of peas and mashed potaters,

You gotta fill your sister’s bath

With rubber alligators!

You gotta dance in underpants,

You gotta bang on pots!

You gotta fling your scrambled eggs

With everything you gots!

But you don’t gotta shave the cat

Or plot your brother’s doom,

Or tie your grandma to the couch—

That’s why you’re in your room.

Details

I tried to buy sneakers,

Instead I got squeakers,

And now I’m a terrible spy.

My cool new sunglasses

Were really sun-grasses

That grow so incredibly high.

My new little pony

Turned out to be phony.

I feel for the poor little feller.

If only I could,

I’d retire for good,

And become a professional speeler.

Old-Man!

A faded cape hangs on the wall, 

Red boots beneath the bed. 

Where once were power gloves, there sits 

A denture glass instead.   

The secret lairs with polar bears 

Were sold off years ago. 

The laser goggles, once so feared, 

Help clear the driveway snow.   

And all the planes and rocket cars 

That nobly served the mission 

Fulfilled a higher calling when 

They paid the kids’ tuition.   

And yet there still are foes to fight 

And battles left to wage. 

The city doesn’t sleep at night 

No matter what your age!   

Why, just the other day, he thought 

The fast food guy was rude. 

He gave him quite a lecture 

To improve his attitude.   

And one time at the grocery store, 

The bread was two days old! 

The ice cream freezer was too warm, 

The hot soup was too cold!   

To top it off, the “manager,” 

Could not be more than twenty! 

The old man stared him down and filled out 

Comment cards a-plenty!   

The neighbor’s dog is digging holes. 

The paperboy’s a liar. 

And someone’s got to right the wrongs— 

And heroes don’t retire.

Spoon

There was a boy 

Who had a toy 

He made out of a spoon.   

And he would play 

To start each day 

And end each afternoon.   

And he would dance 

And run and prance 

And love his Spoonie so!   

And everywhere, 

With love so rare, 

The boy and spoon would go.   

And then one day, 

While out to play, 

They met some angry guys.   

With smirks and sneers, 

These jerks with jeers 

Shot lightning from their eyes!   

And all too soon, 

They stole the spoon 

And called the boy a dork!   

He gave no cry— 

Made no reply— 

Just brought out Mister Fork.

Greeting Card

H is how she hatched me from her brain pod, 

J is for the jar she grew me in. 

Y is for the yellow of her eye-stalks, 

G is for the green glow of her skin. 

R is for the races that she’s conquered, 

X is how her X-rays warm my hearts. 

N means that she never needs new slime sacs, 

P is how she prunes my extra parts. 

O is how she orbits lesser homeworlds, 

L is for her light-bombs which destroy. 

Put them all together, they spell HJYGRXNPOL, 

I’m proud to be her special little boy!

Fail

I tried to chop a tree down,

But I really couldn't hack it.

When friends play tennis quietly,

I make a giant racket.

I tried to make an omelet,

But it just did not pan out.

I'd be a better boxer

If I knew what it's a-bout.

My sewing skills were promising

But never did pull through.

And why I'm not a private eye,

I really have no clue.

I guess I'll just write poems--

It's so simple and so good.

I'll keep the beat and add some rhymes

Just like I know I can.

Trading Up

I traded in our guard-dog

For a guard-Tyrannosaurus.

He's trained to eat the bad guys up

And otherwise ignore us.

I traded in my skateboard

For a fire-snorting dragon.

I parked him in the carport

Next to Mom's old station wagon.

I traded action figures

For an elf and wizard army.

They swear they'll battle bullies

So they'll never try to harm me.

I traded in my homework

For a butler and a jet.

And even still, you haven't heard

My greatest trade-in yet!

I traded in my brother

For a waffle and some candy!

They even threw a yo-yo in!

Oh, trading up is dandy!

Oh!

Oh poop and oh bother,

I've angered my father!

I flung all his files on the floor!

Oh drat and oh brother,

I've maddened my mother

By nailing some cake to the door!

Oh nuts! Oh bananas!

I ticked off my Nanas

By putting their wigs on the poodle.

Oh well, oh whatever,

They really should never

Have called me their “sweet little doodle.”

The Were-Ant

Beware of the Were-Ant!

He’s under a curse!

He’s not like a Were-Wolf—

He’s seven times worse!

At night, when the moon

Has grown full in the sky,

He changes from being

A regular guy.

He grows extra legs

And some faceted eyes,

Then shrinks down to almost

Unseeable size!

He tunes his antennae,

He flexes his jaws,

Then pillages picnics

Without any pause!

The sweet midnight picnics

Of lovers in love

Are plagued by the beast

When the moon shines above!

He carries off cookies!

He rolls away roasts!

He sneaks off with sandwiches,

Takes off with toasts.

Your chips have no chance

When the Were-Ant’s around!

He carts them back home

Through a hole in the ground.

He never slows down,

And his stamina’s great!

He’s able to lift

Twenty times his own weight.

And when the next morning

Arrives with the dawn,

He’s human once more,

All stretched out on the lawn.

He’s always confused

When he sees all the food,

But he cuts off the part

That some insect has chewed,

Then he takes it inside

And he eats without stopping.

At least he won’t have

To go grocery shopping!

Pizza Parade

Oh I could write a sonnet,

And put some sausage on it,

And march my new creation in the Pizza Parade!

You will love the toppings!

You’ll even like the droppings!

The grandest pies in town are at the Pizza Parade!

On the Avenue!

Cheese Avenue!

All the pizza chefs will try us,

And then we just might

Make the menu tonight!

All the lords and ladies,

Hold out their paper platies,

It’s here, it’s clear, it’s crusty! It’s the Pizza Parade!