Errand Errors

I ordered an extra-large smoothie—

That’s not what I ought to have said!

The barber just smiled, let his clippers go wild,

And shaved all the hair off my head!

I went to the juice shop much later.

I said, “Just a bit off the top.”

The juice guy, alas, drank from everyone’s glass,

And no one could get him to stop!

The next place I went was no better—

I said, “Do a balance check, please.”

It took no repeating—the baker stopped kneading

And knocked me right down to my knees!

“Put some dough in a bag,” at the next place.

I swear that I didn’t mean harm!

I just wanted bread—that’s the next thing I said!

But the bank teller hit the alarm!

And that is what happened, your honor!

It’s just like I told the reporter!

I’ve learned a big lesson—the next time, I’m guessin’

I’ll run all my errands in order!

Fancy Pants

I'm putting on my fancy pants—

They’re special as can be!

Oh no one else has pants that are

Quite like the ones on me!

My fancy pants are purple,

My fancy pants have stripes.

My pants have lots more buttons

Than the plain non-fancy types.

The buttons go right down the front.

I counted them—there’s eight!

They button in a row, and so

The closing part stays straight.

The pocket flaps are upside-down—

They’re just for decoration.

But still, I love my fancy pants!

A fashion celebration!

I’m just a bit confused, though,

By the big hole for my bottom.

It seems to have a collar, too.

I wonder why it’s got ’em?

I’ll go and ask my friend next door—

I guess it couldn’t hurt.

I just adore my fancy pants!

Has someone seen my shirt?

Riddle

What has a mouth, but cannot speak? 

What has four wheels and flies? 

What has a dish, but never eats? 

A bed, but never lies?   

What walks upon all fours at night 

But walks on five at noon? 

What sparkles in the summer sun 

And shimmers ’neath the moon?   

What’s old today but young tomorrow? 

What’s both clean and dirty? 

What is lighter than the breeze, 

But solid, strong, and sturdy?   

What smells a lot but has no nose? 

What’s eyeless, but can see? 

What’s conquering your planet now? 

You guessed them all—it’s me!

Enough

Billy’s sideburns were too long, 

So he got the trimmers. 

Now his head is shiny-smooth! 

It glows and glints and glimmers!   

Susie’s salad was too bland, 

So she got some dressing. 

Now’s she’s got a bowl of soup— 

It’s really quite depressing!   

Katie’s guppy was too small, 

So she overfed it. 

Now she’s got a mega-shark! 

Would someone care to pet it?   

Joey’s music was too quiet, 

So he turned it louder. 

Now his walls are shaking, 

And they’re crumbling into powder!   

Andy’s poem was too long, 

It bothered all his friends. 

So he just stopped writing it, 

And now it never      

Smell-o-Vision™

My brand new television set

Is quite a revelation.

It’s got built-in Surround Smell™!

Every day’s a smellebration!

The cooking shows are fabulous—

Aromas waft with ease.

The sizzling scent of tacos

With a whiff of nacho cheese!

The travel network’s beaches smell

Just like a tropic ocean—

They’re salty, fresh, and fishy

With a touch of suntan lotion.

The game shows smell like hair gel,

And the talk shows smell like coffee.

That show with running lifeguards smells

A little Hasselhoffy.

Just sniff the science fiction shows—

They smell like outer space!

If you hook up your web cam,

Why, it smells just like your face!

I learned my lesson yesterday—

Steer clear of channel seven!

The Rotting Garbage Network

Stunk my house to highest heaven!

And don’t watch sports unless you like

The smell of dirt and sweat.

I haven’t dared to channel surf

The Wildlife Channel . . . yet.

But mostly I’ve been pleased as punch.

No TV could be greater!

So clear your nose and watch with me.

You’re busy? Smell ya later!

Lecture

Clean your room up! Don’t be rude!

Don’t give me that attitude!

No more hitting! Sit up straight!

Don’t move ’til you’ve cleaned your plate!

Do your homework! Do your chores!

Don’t you dare to slam the doors!

Keep the noise down! Stop that wailing!

No more pointless tattle-taling!

Listen when I talk to you!

And don’t tell people what to do!

My Dog's Mind

Someone rang the doorbell! 

A squirrel is at the park! 

I think I smell some hair gel! 

I guess I’ll have to BARK!   

A dog is on the TV! 

The yard is way too dark! 

A kitty looked right at me! 

Looks like I’ve got to BARK!   

The sky’s a bit too starry! 

The light bulb made a spark! 

Well, better safe than sorry— 

Here comes another BARK!   

Some carolers are singing! 

The herald angels!  Hark! 

Well, here is what I’m bringing— 

Glad tidings with a BARK!   

My barks are loud and leaping, 

In fair times or in fowl. 

But now that you are sleeping, 

I think it’s time to HOOWWWWL!