Saturday, November 9, 2013

The Riddle of the Jerk



What has three eyelids but never can sleep?
What lies and yet always tells truth?
Wide as the ocean, yet only skin-deep?
Refined, and yet often uncouth?

What weaves by day and unravels at night?
Weighs nothing, yet carries a ton?
Frosty and frozen and wintery white,
Yet hot as a spot on the sun.

What sings sweet songs without making a sound?
Has plenty but never can share?
What walks on five legs that roll on the ground,
Yet soars like a frog through the air?

What magic answer unriddles these tricks?
What solves this confounding old quandary?
You’ll feel like a fool when it finally clicks--
It’s “nothing”--now go do your laundry!

Sunday, November 3, 2013

The Cape & The Cowl



If you are a hero who stalks through the nights,
Who fights in tight tights for the citizens’ rights,
Then come grab a drink between crime-fighting flights!
Take a chair at The Cape & The Cowl.

Oh nowhere is there a Super-ior club.
The world’s finest heroes all parked in one pub!
There’s Hatman!  Blue Lightning!  Sue-Nami!  The Grub!
And a guy who’s dressed up like an owl!

Sit down for an hour--the city won’t mind.
Relax from the grind, rest your super behind!
Oh even your kind needs to breathe and unwind,
Though they never will throw in the towel.

Come drink and tell tales of your battles so proud,
The villains and scoundrels you’ve plowed and KA-POWed.
Just headlining heroes--no sidekicks allowed,
So feel free to unravel your scowl.

No alien robots, no psychotic clown,
Just heroes like you at the best bar in town!
No bar fights, of course, or you’ll tear the place down--
Our insurance provider will howl!

But come take a load off, coat-check all your gear,
And watch as your worries and cares disappear!
(The city is mine!  All will tremble with fear!)
Stay all night at The Cape & The Cowl!


Monday, October 14, 2013

New Diet


I’m starting a new diet,
’Cause I’ve got to watch my weight.
You really ought to try it--
There’s a lot to fill your plate!

For breakfast I have scrambled ick,
As much as I can take in.
I wash the taste out nice and quick
With two thick strips of fakin’.

At lunch it’s sham and tease on lie--
It slightly burns the lips.
It goes down smoother if you try
A few fauxtato chips.

At dinnertime, I choose between
“Delightful Fricken’ Tacos”
Or--just as yummy, slightly green--
“De Frightful Chicken Mock-Os”

Before I go to bed, I bake
Some frownies, fresh and hot.
Or grab a frosty cold bilkshake,
It almost hits the spot!

I weigh in every afternoon--
It never helps my mood.
I hope the weight will come off soon--
I really need some FOOD!

Saturday, October 12, 2013

The "Everything Under the Sun" Store



Gentlemen, ladies, from Heaven to Hades,
Come one and all, all and one!
Announcing a store that’s like nothing before!
Shop “Everything Under the Sun!”

Whatever you’re seeking, what interest you’re piquing,
A gift or a treat for yourself,
You’ll find it inside, certified, bona fide,
On a thirteen-by-thirty inch shelf.

There’s socks and there’s shoes, and there’s clocks with a “snooze,”
There’s mushrooms and masks--gas or scuba.
A white wedge of brie, and a fake Christmas tree
With an ornament shaped like a tuba.

There’s bongos and lentils and video rentals,
There’s teacups and tiny tree turtles,
And clickers and crackers and slickers for slackers,
And great-grandma’s garish old girdles.

We’ve got magazines and some justified means
And an odd bunch of ends to go with ’em.
There’s backpacks and barley, the Ghost of Old Marley,
And music and my girl and rhythm.

We’re stocked up on tissues and egg nog and issues
Of old comic books from the thirties.
And footballs and mummies, ventriloquist dummies,
And pink-speckled man-eating birdies.

And knick-knacks and noodles, and pick-pocket-poodles,
And groundhogs and crashed UFOs.
Screwdrivers and grapes, and some transparent drapes
(Though we don’t sell many of those).

Oh the checkout’s a pain, ’cause there’s no express lane--
“Ten Items or Less” is no fun!
But whatever you need, oh it’s here guaranteed.
At “Everything Under the Sun!”

So come in, drop a dime, have a fabulous time!
We hope you’ll be coming back soon!
But if you need a seller of Werewolf Repeller,
Try “Everything Under the Moon!”

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Rhymes with . . .



I bought a house on Blorenge--
That’s a well-known hill in Wales--
’Cause I need a rhyme for “orange,”
And I’m sick of rhyming fails!

In a little pen outside
You’ll find a darling little chilver.
Oh, she’s fluffy and wide-eyed 
And--even better--rhymes with “silver”!

I stay there each December--
It’s my favorite of the months!
Just two weeks, and please remember,
That is fourteen thirty-oneths!

Yet, despite my plans and scheming,
I can’t find a rhyme for “purple”!
And the bitter tears come streaming--
Oh, I feel like such a “curple”!

Memorize This Poem



“It’s time again,” the teacher said,
“To memorize a poem!”
“One week to get them in your head,
Then come and show you know ’em!”

All through the week I tried and tried
To find a verse worth knowing,
And by the end my brain was fried
With poems overflowing!

So Monday, when it came my turn
To serenade the class,
I tried to show that I could learn,
And here’s what came to pass.

Ahem...

“Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
The darling buds of May,
A stately pleasure dome decree,
Callooh! Callooh! Callay!

How do I love thee?  Let me count!
And Juliet is the sun!
I pondered, weak and weary,
O, Our fearful trip is done!

It is an ancient mariner,
Thou still unravished bride,
Whose woods these are, I think I know--
Land of the pilgrim’s pride!

A host of golden daffodils,
The dying of the light.
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
And I say it’s all right.”

The other students in the room,
Well, mostly they ignored.
The teacher, quiet as a tomb,
Looked slack-jawed, stunned, and floored.

She gave me a B-minus,
Then she told me to sit down.
She slowly rubbed her sinus,
With a furrowed little frown.

The next time that we memorize,
I won’t attempt them all,
I’ll just be wise and compromise
And check the bathroom wall!

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Flavor of the Minute




Welcome to The Toppling Cone,
Your favorite ice cream shoppe.
Oh we take such pride in starting
Where the other parlours stoppe!

Any ice cream place that’s worth its salt
Has special monthly flavors.
Lots of seasonal concoctions
You can lick and slurp and savor.

But if there’s a prize for innovation,
We would surely win it--
Come and see if you can keep up
With the Flavor of the Minute!

When we open up at eight-o-clock,
It’s “Chocolate Sticky Bun,”
Better hurry up and order,
’Cause it’s gone at eight-o-one!

Then it’s “Honeysuckle Lemon Drop,”
At least ’til eight-o-two,
Followed up with “Almond FudgeMallow,”
Then “Cookie Avenue.”

Eight-o-five is very special,
It’s “Vanilla Corn and Cheese,”
Yes, it sounds a bit peculiar,
But it’s guaranteed to please!

Then a bit of “Crunchy Pretzel Cone,”
A scoop of “Chicken Noodle,”
Eight-o-eight is “Bacon Brownie Brunch,”
Then “Jambalaya Streudel.”

Sometimes our ice cream chef complains--
It’s tough to change each minute!
But sales have shot up through the roof--
He’ll have to bear and grin it!

By the time it’s nine o’clock
It can be hard to understand,
And the flavor-mash-ups sometimes get 
Completely out of hand.

“Oatmeal Raisin Almond Mocha”
Is a fairly safe invention,
But “Banana Trout Umbrella Socks,”
Is just too gross to mention.

At eleven-twenty-seven, we’ve got
“Cocoa Bean Burrito,”
Wash it down one minute later with
“Mint Mandarin Mojito.”

Then at twelve-thirteen it’s “Paper Bag
With Grilled Cheese Sandwich In It,”
Oh it’s times like these that I rethink
The Flavor of the Minute!

Still, we’re selling these like hotcakes,
‘Specially at two-o-four,
When “Hotcake Surprise with Sausage”
Rolls right out the kitchen door.

Even “Mushroom Smores” at four-o-six--
The second we begin it--
Sells right out!  The people love to try
The Flavor of the Minute!

In fact, these taste sensations sell
Much better than we reckoned.
So tomorrow, watch as we unveil
The Flavor of the Second!