New Years Countdown

10 is for the new friends I befriended,

9 is for the ones I drove away.

8 is how I ate too much at Christmas,

7 is the extra pounds I weigh,

6 is for my major faults in judgment,

5 is just how many I’ll admit.

4 is for last year’s new resolutions,

3 is for the days before I quit.

2 is for the two of us together,

1 is just ’cause you’re the one for me.

Happy New Year to my favorite person,

Who makes each year my favorite time to be!

Prince Charmin

There’s a damsel in distress!

She’s stranded on the bowl!

She cries out, “Someone help me,

For I haven’t got a roll!”

He’s at her side in seconds, 

With a speed a bit alarmin’.

He’s bold, prepared, and fearless—

Feast your eyes upon Prince Charmin!

He plunders every cabinet

To bring a fresh supply!

He’s stocked the plain, the quilted,

And the precious triple-ply.

His skills are legendary

And his smile’s a bit disarmin’.

He’s kindly and embraceable,

But please don’t squeeze Prince Charmin!

And when his job is over

And his duty has been done,

He hears a cry for help, and now

Another quest’s begun!

Prince Charmin doesn’t grumble,

And Prince Charmin doesn’t groan—

He’s destined to be next in line,

But never on the throne.

Ode to the TARDIS Outside the Earls Court Tube Station

I can’t believe my luck today,

‘Cause right here on the street

I found a time-and-space machine

To make my life complete! 

And—holy moly, look at that!

This thing still has one credit!

So I can take a trip for free—

Now, where and when to set it?

Perhaps I’ll see the Renaissance—

Old Shakespeare and his lot.

Or ride astride a T-Rex in

The Land that Time Forgot!

Or maybe I’ll explore

The forty-second century,

See ray guns, starships, robots

And all things adventurey!

I could head into outer space,

Fly rings around the sun,

And cross five distant nebulae

Before the day’s begun.

I’d steer around Uranus

Where the poison gases smother.

Or was that on Urelbow?

I don’t know one from the other.

Then interfere in some far off

Galactic Federation,

And tyrannize a microscopic

Plant civilization.

I only get one chance at this,

One time-and-spacey stop.

I can’t believe I found it—

I’m so happy I could POP!

I know—I’ll just go back five minutes 

Right here in this place.

Right back to when I found it—

I just HAVE to see my FACE!

Me Land

I’ve opened up a theme park,

Oh, it’s wonderful to see!

A land of pure enchantment,

For the theme I picked is “Me!”

 At “Me Land” you can be like me!

You’ll eat and sleep and play,

You’ll dine and dance and shop and spend

And do it all MY way!

To ride the rides you have to be

At least Me-inches tall. 

It’s worth it, though, to ride on

“It’s a Me World After All.”

There’s twenty-seven meet and greets,

Each with a costumed Me!

The “Festival of Me” parade

Runs daily ten to three. 

The restaurants serve what I like—

Rice pudding in a can. 

No substitutions, if you please,

It’s paid for in your plan. 

At “Me Shop” down on “Me Street”

Make a brand new “Build-A-Me!”

It’s thirty-seven fifty,

But the “Me Scent Pod” is free!

So if you need some wonderment,

You know just what to do.   

Just come on down to “Me Land,” friend,

Where all my dreams come true!

Jumbo-Sized

I went to buy a muffin at my local muffin store.

The man said I could jumbo-size for thirty-nine cents more.

I’m pretty sure I got much more than I had bargained for.

I’ve never lived inside a three-floor bran muffin before!

Now maybe you will not believe this woeful pastry story.

Perhaps you think it’s something like a half-baked allegory.

But here I am, encased in crumby, sticky purgatory!

(They also come in blueberry and vegan morning glory).

From dawn to dusk I nibble, nosh, eat up, chow down, and munch,

The walls are soft and pliable, the chimney has a crunch.

I’ve been at this for weeks now, and I sadly have a hunch,

I may live out my days ensnared in puffy perma-brunch!

My mouth I cram, my face I fill, my belly I’ve been stuffin’,

I feel my guts expanding as my arteries all toughen!

I’ve threatened legal action, but the baker knows I’m bluffin’.

A pox upon this cursèd giant loathsome yummy muffin!

If I could order it again, I’m sure I would revise it.

I thought that more was better, but I’m starting to despise it!

Oh please bring me a can of paint—at least I can disguise it!

Or better yet, bring coffee—but be sure to jumbo-size it!

A Healthy Romance

If I were a potato 

Growing down beneath a tree,

I’d always keep my eyes peeled 

Just to find the one for me. 

And if I were a cornstalk 

Growing golden up above,

I’d give the world an earful 

Just to find the one I love. 

Oh if I were a broccoli in love, 

I’d just adore it!

I’d point my car toward romance 

And, my darling, I would floret!

If I were but a pepper, 

I’d hope love would ring my bell. 

And if I were a cabbage, 

I might lose my head as well!

Oh and if I were a carrot, 

Then true love is what I’d root for. 

And if I were bamboo, 

Why then you know it’s what I’d shoot for. 

But since I am a fungus, 

And it’s you that I adore,

I hope that you’ll accept these puns—

There’s not mushroom for more!

No Time To Rhyme!

There’s no time to rhyme today,

No time at all!

I woke up two hours too late.

I slipped from the shower spray,

Had a great fall,

And burned half the food on my plate!

The traffic was frightening,

Ungodly, unreal!

A truck of canned turnips exploded!

A big bolt of lightning—

A clap and a peal!

And all of the lights overloaded!

And now I’m at work

And the boss is approaching

To royally chew out my hide.

That big stupid jerk

Is reproaching, encroaching,

It just boils my bran flakes inside!

So there’s no time to rhyme today.

Sorry, old friend!

My glossary’s stuck on its shelf.

But hey, it’s okay,

You can mend this loose end!

You’ll just have to fend for yourself!

Master of Allusion!

Here for every party need,

No holiday exclusion,

He’ll entertain you, guaranteed!

The Master of Allusion!

There’s nothing he won’t reference

As he weaves his magic spell.

No work he won’t show deference

As he wows his clientele.

He’s sharper than a serpent’s tooth

And fast as Mr. Fusion!

More radical than John Wilkes Booth— 

The Master of Allusion!

Behold how like a wizard

He entrances and delights!

He’s clever as a gizzard!

Curtain up and light the lights!

Like Han, he’s just a solo act—

He swears there’s NO COLLUSION!

An Indy-worthy artifact,

The Master of Allusion!

His mind is vast, his will is strong,

His gray stuff is delicious!

And when he’s done, he bids “So long,

And thanks for all the fishes!”

And then beams out, disapparates,

In clouds of thick confusion.

He’s also, as his webpage states,

A Master of Elusion!

Not Sold in Stores!

It slices, it dices, it chips, and it chops,

It perfectly grills any cheese!

It clears and it washes, it sweeps and it mops,

It folds all the laundry with ease!

It dusts and it polishes, takes out the trash,

And restocks the pantry tout de suite!

It fixes a salad for four in a flash,

Without even missing a beet.

It juices, it squeezes, it instantly freezes,

And cleans it all up in a snap!

It shaves and it waxes! It plucks and it tweezes!

It puts away all of your crap!

It’s handy!  It’s dandy!  It’s worth any price!

It’s certainly not sold in stores!

And what do we call this delightful device?

It’s YOU, dear, now go do your chores!

Grocery Panic! (Alabama Edition)

Grab some milk and get that bleach!

Cans of soup, ten dollars each.

Come on people, do your part,

Got to load the shopping cart!

Beans and rice, and rice and beans,

Hot dog buns and tangerines,

Shop until your legs are sore!

Empty out the grocery store!

Ice cream, white bread, diet cola,

Thirteen pounds of bulk granola,

Note cards, light bulbs, batteries,

One of every kind of cheese,

Tapioca, ginger root,

All remaining Kiwi fruit!

Faster, now, before they rot!

Food for Fido! Food for Spot!

Pre-made chicken, batter-fried!

Shove your rivals to the side!

No time to be nice today!

Winter storm is on its way!

Quickly, now, we’re in a pinch—

They say we’ll get a quarter inch!