Word Problems

Billy has two apples.

Johnny has two more.

If both of them eat half their apples,

Where’s the dinosaur?

Train A leaves from Baltimore

At ninety miles an hour.

How long ’til Train B

Feels even fresher in the shower?

Susie has ten pudding cups

But only seven spoons.

Watch as all the caterpillars

Build their own cocoons!

If two-fifths of a birthday cake

Is greater than a slice,

Give the wheel a spin and win

A chance to spin it twice!

All my students failed the test.

They’re not as smart as me!

Why, I can even write exams

While watching my TV!

Growing Out My Mustache

I’m growing out my mustache.

I haven’t shaved all year.

I’m growing out my mustache 

So it spreads from ear to ear.

Imagine how I’ll twirl it!

Imagine all the loops!

Just like a hairy roller coaster--

Hills and dives and swoops!

I may look like a garden gnome,

Or some cave dwelling troll.

I bet I’ll scare the neighbors

When I take my evening stroll.

I promise I’ll shampoo it

So it gets a golden sheen

The mousies who will nest there

Would appreciate it clean.

I’ll wear a mustache harness 

So it helps me bear the weight.

I’ll tie it in a bow-tie

When I go out on a date.

Sometimes I’ll trim it into shapes,

A facial topiary--

The Loch Ness Monster Mustache,

Seldom seen, but mighty scary!

When I curl up the edges,

I’ll have hangers for my shirts.

Oh my ginormous ‘stache will be

So beautiful it hurts!

I’m growing out my mustache

It’s the best idea I’ve had.

I haven’t shaved in seven months.

It’s half an inch--not bad!

The Weak End

Are you ready for the weak end,

Now that all your work is through?

Are you ready for the weak end?

Oh, it’s ready just for you!

Are you ready for the weak end?

Oh we’re sure to have such fun.

Hope you’re ready for the weak end,

Here it is.

Playtime

Crash!  Thud!  Splatter!  Boom!

Playtime up in junior’s room!

Smash!  Bang!  Shatter!  Tear!

Wonder what he’s doing there?

Stomp!  Whoosh!  Ripping Noise!

Guess it’s nothing--you know boys!

ROAR!  SCREAM!  CRACKLE!  BURN!

Maybe we should check--your turn!

Mother's Day

“It’s Mother’s Day--let Mommy sleep!”

Well, that’s what Daddy said.

But while she counted all her sheep,

I made breakfast in bed!

I cracked two eggs all by myself,

I stirred them into flour.

I got some sugar from the shelf,

For Super Sweetness Power!

I mixed up all the batter,

And I shook the sugar shaker.

I got the blue step-ladder

And got down the waffle maker.

I burned the first one, then one more,

But then I burned them less.

I squeezed an orange from the drawer

And made some juice . . . I guess.

I cut up some bananas

With my ninja-like technique.

I used that plate from Nana’s--

I was careful--it’s antique!

And now it’s time to shout out loud

And show her what I’ve done!

Oh, Mom will be so very proud

Of me, her honey-bun!

I’ll cry out “Happy Mother’s Day!”

She’ll hug me while she eats!

I made breakfast in bed!  Hooray!

Now someone change my sheets!

Mess-ipe

Take a cup of chicken soup,
Add an artichoke,
Half a pound of taco meat,
Leave a while to soak.
Then a spoon of peanut butter
And some chocolate chips,
Seven oatmeal cookies,
And a pan of bacon drips.
Half a cup of Mango Madness
Juice-Free Fruity Drink™.
Also squeeze the sponge from
Underneath the kitchen sink.
Empty out the crushed red pepper--
Needs a little kick!
Throw in that leftover cheese
That made old Rover sick.
Bake it on five-hundred
For an hour and a quarter.
Frost it with a pudding skin,
With beans around the border.
Place it in the middle of
The special crystal dish.
Bring it to the table,
Light the candles, make a wish!
Watch him take a bite and say,
"The best I ever had!"
See him fighting back the teardrops?
Happy Birthday, Dad!

Breathe In

Breathe in the world as you walk yourself through.

Breathe in the scent on the air.

Breathe in the green and the yellow and blue.

Breathe in the light everywhere.

Breathe in the wishes, the cares and the dreams,

Breathe in the troubles as well.

Breathe in the truth when it’s not what it seems,

Breathe in each whisper or yell.

Breathe in the bicycles, buses, and cars,

Breathe in the hum of the street.

Breathe in the twinkles that fall from the stars,

Breathe in the grass by your feet.

Breathe in the promises, broken and whole,

Breathe in what’s precious to you.

Breathe in the laughter that lifts up your soul,

Breathe in banana bread, too.

Breathe in the world, all the good and the bad,

Breathe in the hope and the doubt.

Breathe in what’s happy.  Breathe in what’s sad.

And then, when you’re ready, breathe out.