The Night After Christmas

’Twas the night after Christmas, and all through the house

Every creature was sleeping, including my spouse.

The presents were strewn by the chimney with glee,

Some cat had un-tinseled our once-mighty tree.

The children--twin sisters and one little brother--

Were finally done screaming and kicking each other,

And Mama and I were passed out after dinner

In candy-stripe nightshirts to make us look thinner.

When down from the den came a thud and a crash--

Away to the staircase I flew like The Flash!

I tiptoed downstairs and I tripped on old Rover;

“Some watchdog,” I muttered--he barely turned over!

I crept through the house with my smart-phone flashlight,

To see what had broken and what was alright.

The glow of the phone cast an unearthly hue,

Like a gh-gh-gh-ghost on an old “Scooby-Doo.”

I paused in the kitchen, I counted to ten,

Then rounded the corner and stepped in the den.

And there, by the tree, looking pleased with himself,

Was an overgrown, button-down, corporate elf.

He had a briefcase and a green velvet blazer,

And in his right hand was a code-scanning laser.

He was trim and well-tailored--not one ounce of fatness--

With a shiny gold name tag that simply said “Atnas.”

I spoke not a word, but slipped down to a crouch

And hid in the shadows behind the blue couch.

Then I watched as this “Atnas” picked up my new sweater.

He scanned it and “Zap!”  It was one I liked better!

And then, right before my still-wondering eyes,

He zapped the girls’ boots the appropriate size!

He grabbed Junior’s unopened video game

And zapped it to one that’s a little less lame.

That “new” Harry Potter?  They already read it.

He zapped it away to a place called “store credit.”

He sped through the room like a madman deranged

Making sure each new present was promptly exchanged.

Out snowglobe!  Out perfume!  Out scarf and out sash!

Now gift cards!  Now gas cards!  Now big stack of cash!

And then, to my rapture, he did the best thing!

He found this plush reindeer that just loves to sing--

It lights up and shrieks all through “O Holy Night,”--

And, wonder of wonders, it vanished from sight.

And “Atnas” left nothing to take its dear place--

Just silence and calm and a smile on my face.

Then seeing his work was officially through,

And scanning his face, up the chimney he flew.

But I heard him cry out the best greetings of all--

“Ho ho ho, I just saved you a trip to the mall!”

Ozzie the Elf

Way up at the Workshop, the one at the pole,

Where Santa holds limitless power,

There’s a vital employee--a wee little soul

Who works to the very last hour.

He doesn’t feed reindeer, he doesn’t make toys,

He doesn’t just spy from a shelf.

He points-clicks-and-ships all your last-minute Joys--

He’s Ozzie, the Online Store Elf.

In this day and age, Santa’s picked up the pace

And upgraded the whole operation.

A visit to shop.northpole lets you place

Countless orders to ship to each nation.

And who mans the laptop?  And who checks the stock?

And who does it all by himself?

Who tracks all the shipments real-time round-the-clock?

It’s Ozzie, the Online Store Elf!

The little-known savior of each Christmas Eve,

He’s got lots of guts, but no glory.

It’s Santa who gets all the kids to believe,

But Ozzie who checks inventory!

His candy-cane cubicle’s always aglow 

With light from his forty-two screens.

His team of twin servers-- On “Crasher!” On “Slow!”--

Are Santa’s most vital machines.

While Christmas Eve merriment greets other elves,

The online store just keeps on going.

Those pretty brown boxes won’t label themselves!

It’s Ozzie who keeps the flow flowing!

So let’s honor Ozzie with no more forgettings.

Let’s offer our hero a treat.

Just click “Accept Cookies” in your browser settings,

And send that elf something to eat!

Looks Right To Me!

I have an idea that I’m trying to prove,

A simple idea that I hope you will love.

I’m writing a poem to boggle your senses,

To addle your noggin and fog up your lenses,

Where nothing makes sense as you think that it ought,

Where logical thought’s at a bit of a drought.

And so, if you listen, I’m hoping you’ll hear

The most nonsensey story that any can bear:

There once was a bison who lived in a prison--

He held a man hostage to pay for his postage.

But when he’d served seven and justice was even,

He fed a gorilla a yummy tortilla.

And then that old primate moved to a nice climate--

To warm southern nations with plentiful rations

Of comfortable clothing.  He chose to wear nothing.

He just took a flower and taped it on lower.

But this underwear was so nonlinear

That the flower’s fresh pollen made him get all swollen.

His mouth formed an oval, which showed disapproval.

He said a bad word, then he took up a sword,

And he gave a small cough, then he took cookie dough,

And he made a big boot, which he wore on his foot,

And he stomped all through nature, which wasn’t so mature.

Until a big wolf challenged him to play golf.

He was not afraid, so he dressed all in plaid,

And played a good match, ’til they met a Sasquatch.

They said “adios,” then they played radios

’Til they’d both had enough, now my poem is through.

And so there you have it, it’s nonsense galore,

As normal as pumpkin-spice-fish-cacciatore.

And though it makes sense like a truck on the ocean,

At least all the rhymes are so perfect and clean!

It's All In My Head

My throat is raw, my nose is numb,

My eyes are red like fire. 

The grinding gears inside my ears

Ring like a demon choir. 

I'm clogged completely, through and through,

Yet leaking all the same. 

My forceful wheezes, hacks, and sneezes

Make typhoons seem tame. 

The pounding of my sinuses

Is like the ocean's roar. 

My neck complains with pains and strains

To choke a dinosaur. 

I hold my head, and in my bed

I know I should have stayed. 

Next year I'll skip the 

"Festival of Allergens Parade!"

Taking Down the Christmas Tree

Taking down the Christmas Tree, a job so sad.

Hard to say goodbye to the good times had.

Pulling off the tinsel and the velvet socks,

Putting every ornament in its box.

Eating every candy cane with a tear.

Making decorations disappear.

Wrapping up the lights and the tiny hooks,

Singing one last carol, long sad looks.

Bidding all the angels au revoir,

Saying “silent night” to the shining star.

Thinking of the memories the tree has seen--

New Years, Easter, Halloween . . .

But tomorrow is Thanksgiving, so we’ll eat and then,

We’ll put the tree back up again!

Goodbye Moon -- by Darth Vader

And the Award Goes To . . .

I’d like to thank you all for this remarkable award!

I’d like to thank the voters, and I’d like to thank the board.

I’d like to thank my co-stars, my incredible director,

I’d like to thank the squeezer of my morning mango nectar.

I’d like to thank the lighting crew, the make-up guy as well.

I’d like to thank the towel-folders back at the hotel.

I’d like to thank my agent for fulfilling all my wishes.

I’d like to thank my breakfast muffin--gosh, you were delicious!

I’d like to thank my golf clubs, and I’d like to thank my caddy.

I’d like to thank my Labradoodle--Chucky, bark for daddy!

I’d like to thank the artists who created the effects--

I’d like to thank their Robo-Laser-Clone-o-saurus-Rex!

I’d like to thank each minute of each day of every week!

I’d like to thank the orchestra that’s playing as I speak.

I’d like to thank my toilet brush--hold on, I’m almost done--

Yes, I’d like to thank you all--and I would get to, if I’d WON!!!

The Riddle of the Jerk

What has three eyelids but never can sleep?

What lies and yet always tells truth?

Wide as the ocean, yet only skin-deep?

Refined, and yet often uncouth?

What weaves by day and unravels at night?

Weighs nothing, yet carries a ton?

Frosty and frozen and wintery white,

Yet hot as a spot on the sun.

What sings sweet songs without making a sound?

Has plenty but never can share?

What walks on five legs that roll on the ground,

Yet soars like a frog through the air?

What magic answer unriddles these tricks?

What solves this confounding old quandary?

You’ll feel like a fool when it finally clicks--

It’s “nothing”--now go do your laundry!

The Cape & The Cowl

If you are a hero who stalks through the nights,

Who fights in tight tights for the citizens’ rights,

Then come grab a drink between crime-fighting flights!

Take a chair at The Cape & The Cowl.

Oh nowhere is there a Super-ior club.

The world’s finest heroes all parked in one pub!

There’s Hatman!  Blue Lightning!  Sue-Nami!  The Grub!

And a guy who’s dressed up like an owl!

Sit down for an hour--the city won’t mind.

Relax from the grind, rest your super behind!

Oh even your kind needs to breathe and unwind,

Though they never will throw in the towel.

Come drink and tell tales of your battles so proud,

The villains and scoundrels you’ve plowed and KA-POWed.

Just headlining heroes--no sidekicks allowed,

So feel free to unravel your scowl.

No alien robots, no psychotic clown,

Just heroes like you at the best bar in town!

No bar fights, of course, or you’ll tear the place down--

Our insurance provider will howl!

But come take a load off, coat-check all your gear,

And watch as your worries and cares disappear!

(The city is mine!  All will tremble with fear!)

Stay all night at The Cape & The Cowl!

New Diet

I’m starting a new diet,

’Cause I’ve got to watch my weight.

You really ought to try it--

There’s a lot to fill your plate!

For breakfast I have scrambled ick,

As much as I can take in.

I wash the taste out nice and quick

With two thick strips of fakin’.

At lunch it’s sham and tease on lie--

It slightly burns the lips.

It goes down smoother if you try

A few fauxtato chips.

At dinnertime, I choose between

“Delightful Fricken’ Tacos”

Or--just as yummy, slightly green--

“De Frightful Chicken Mock-Os”

Before I go to bed, I bake

Some frownies, fresh and hot.

Or grab a frosty cold bilkshake,

It almost hits the spot!

I weigh in every afternoon--

It never helps my mood.

I hope the weight will come off soon--

I really need some FOOD!

The "Everything Under the Sun" Store

Gentlemen, ladies, from Heaven to Hades,

Come one and all, all and one!

Announcing a store that’s like nothing before!

Shop “Everything Under the Sun!”

Whatever you’re seeking, what interest you’re piquing,

A gift or a treat for yourself,

You’ll find it inside, certified, bona fide,

On a thirteen-by-thirty inch shelf.

There’s socks and there’s shoes, and there’s clocks with a “snooze,”

There’s mushrooms and masks--gas or scuba.

A white wedge of brie, and a fake Christmas tree

With an ornament shaped like a tuba.

There’s bongos and lentils and video rentals,

There’s teacups and tiny tree turtles,

And clickers and crackers and slickers for slackers,

And great-grandma’s garish old girdles.

We’ve got magazines and some justified means

And an odd bunch of ends to go with ’em.

There’s backpacks and barley, the Ghost of Old Marley,

And music and my girl and rhythm.

We’re stocked up on tissues and egg nog and issues

Of old comic books from the thirties.

And footballs and mummies, ventriloquist dummies,

And pink-speckled man-eating birdies.

And knick-knacks and noodles, and pick-pocket-poodles,

And groundhogs and crashed UFOs.

Screwdrivers and grapes, and some transparent drapes

(Though we don’t sell many of those).

Oh the checkout’s a pain, ’cause there’s no express lane--

“Ten Items or Less” is no fun!

But whatever you need, oh it’s here guaranteed.

At “Everything Under the Sun!”

So come in, drop a dime, have a fabulous time!

We hope you’ll be coming back soon!

But if you need a seller of Werewolf Repeller,

Try “Everything Under the Moon!”

Rhymes with . . .

I bought a house on Blorenge--

That’s a well-known hill in Wales--

’Cause I need a rhyme for “orange,”

And I’m sick of rhyming fails!

In a little pen outside

You’ll find a darling little chilver.

Oh, she’s fluffy and wide-eyed 

And--even better--rhymes with “silver”!

I stay there each December--

It’s my favorite of the months!

Just two weeks, and please remember,

That is fourteen thirty-oneths!

Yet, despite my plans and scheming,

I can’t find a rhyme for “purple”!

And the bitter tears come streaming--

Oh, I feel like such a “curple”!

Memorize This Poem

“It’s time again,” the teacher said,

“To memorize a poem!”

“One week to get them in your head,

Then come and show you know ’em!”

All through the week I tried and tried

To find a verse worth knowing,

And by the end my brain was fried

With poems overflowing!

So Monday, when it came my turn

To serenade the class,

I tried to show that I could learn,

And here’s what came to pass.

Ahem...

“Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

The darling buds of May,

A stately pleasure dome decree,

Callooh! Callooh! Callay!

How do I love thee?  Let me count!

And Juliet is the sun!

I pondered, weak and weary,

O, Our fearful trip is done!

It is an ancient mariner,

Thou still unravished bride,

Whose woods these are, I think I know--

Land of the pilgrim’s pride!

A host of golden daffodils,

The dying of the light.

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,

And I say it’s all right.”

The other students in the room,

Well, mostly they ignored.

The teacher, quiet as a tomb,

Looked slack-jawed, stunned, and floored.

She gave me a B-minus,

Then she told me to sit down.

She slowly rubbed her sinus,

With a furrowed little frown.

The next time that we memorize,

I won’t attempt them all,

I’ll just be wise and compromise

And check the bathroom wall!

Flavor of the Minute

Welcome to The Toppling Cone,
Your favorite ice cream shoppe.
Oh we take such pride in starting
Where the other parlours stoppe!

Any ice cream place that’s worth its salt
Has special monthly flavors.
Lots of seasonal concoctions
You can lick and slurp and savor.

But if there’s a prize for innovation,
We would surely win it--
Come and see if you can keep up
With the Flavor of the Minute!

When we open up at eight-o-clock,
It’s “Chocolate Sticky Bun,”
Better hurry up and order,
’Cause it’s gone at eight-o-one!

Then it’s “Honeysuckle Lemon Drop,”
At least ’til eight-o-two,
Followed up with “Almond FudgeMallow,”
Then “Cookie Avenue.”

Eight-o-five is very special,
It’s “Vanilla Corn and Cheese,”
Yes, it sounds a bit peculiar,
But it’s guaranteed to please!

Then a bit of “Crunchy Pretzel Cone,”
A scoop of “Chicken Noodle,”
Eight-o-eight is “Bacon Brownie Brunch,”
Then “Jambalaya Streudel.”

Sometimes our ice cream chef complains--
It’s tough to change each minute!
But sales have shot up through the roof--
He’ll have to bear and grin it!

By the time it’s nine o’clock
It can be hard to understand,
And the flavor-mash-ups sometimes get 
Completely out of hand.

“Oatmeal Raisin Almond Mocha”
Is a fairly safe invention,
But “Banana Trout Umbrella Socks,”
Is just too gross to mention.

At eleven-twenty-seven, we’ve got
“Cocoa Bean Burrito,”
Wash it down one minute later with
“Mint Mandarin Mojito.”

Then at twelve-thirteen it’s “Paper Bag
With Grilled Cheese Sandwich In It,”
Oh it’s times like these that I rethink
The Flavor of the Minute!

Still, we’re selling these like hotcakes,
‘Specially at two-o-four,
When “Hotcake Surprise with Sausage”
Rolls right out the kitchen door.

Even “Mushroom Smores” at four-o-six--
The second we begin it--
Sells right out!  The people love to try
The Flavor of the Minute!

In fact, these taste sensations sell
Much better than we reckoned.
So tomorrow, watch as we unveil
The Flavor of the Second!

A Farsighted Plan

I took Mommy’s contact lens

And stuck it in my eye.

Then I took Dad’s bifocals

To see what I could spy.

And then my Pop’s binoculars,

My sister’s makeup mirror,

The family camera with the zoom

That makes far things look nearer.

My brother’s magnifying glass,

And Grandma’s reading specs,

And my ten-power telescope

To measure the effects. 

I smushed them all together--

A responsible decision!

’Cause Mom is always saying

That I need more super-vision!

Taco Stand

Tacos! Tacos!  Five for a dollar!

Spicy enough to make you holler!

Tacos! Tacos! Four for a quarter!

Filling’s thick like meaty mortar!

Tacos! Tacos!  Three for a dime!

Sitting out here all this time!

Tacos! Tacos!  Two for a nickel!

Now they’re the color of a pickle!

Tacos! Tacos!  One for a penny!

What do you mean you don’t want any?!

Dog Treats!  Dog Treats!  They’re gourmet!

Two dollars each--get yours today!

Thinker Toys

I asked my mom for Tinker-Toys,

I thought she understood.

But here’s a box of Thinker-Toys--

Oh, this does not look good!

Instead of spools and wheels and discs

And little wooden poles,

There’s just a stack of paper cards

With printed “Thinking Goals.”

Like “Think about the summer rain,”

And “Think about the breeze,”

And “If a honeycomb could talk,

What would it tell the bees?”

This one card says to “Think alone,”

And one says “Think together,”

And here’s a good one:  “Think about

The feelings of a feather.”

There’s “Think a little,” “Think a lot,”

And “Think of something more,”

And, naturally, there’s “Think of things

You’ve never thunk before.”

The “challenge” cards say “Think or Thwim™”

With riddles overboard!

But there’s no prize for winning,

‘Cause the thought’s its own reward.

And that is all--it’s just these cards!

The only other part

Is one small plastic “action” figure--

Some guy named Descartes.

I’m sure that Mom meant well with these,

Of that I have no doubt.

These Thinker-toys did make me think--

I think I’ll throw them out!

The Juggler

One potato!

Two potato!

Three potato!

Four!

Five potato!

Six potato!

Seven potato!

More!

Eight potato!

Nine potato!

Ten potato--

Sore!

Splash potato!

Mash potato!

Dinner’s on the

Floor.

My Sticky Friend

I have a little sticky friend.

He’s really very sticky!

I picked him from the bog outside.

I’m really very picky!

He makes a funny clicking sound--

I love that he’s so clicky!

He flicks his legs in kicks and tricks!

So kicky flicky tricky!

He makes green ick that smells like cheese--

That’s really kinda icky.

Mom said that he should live outside.

Well, that was over quicky!

Twinkle Variations

Twinkle 1

Twinkle, twinkle, little star,

Giant ball of gas you are.

With such steamy stellar action,

Thermonuclear reaction!

Twinkle, twinkle, little star,

I’ll enjoy you from afar!

Twinkle 2

Twinkle, twinkle, little star,

How I wonder what you are.

Slightly smeary in the sky,

Like a crumb of apple pie.

Wow, I feel like such a dope--

Should have wiped my telescope!

Twinkle 3

Twinkle, twinkle little star,

Hard to play on my guitar!

“Up above the world so high,”

Strum and pick and pluck and sigh.

Every time it comes out wrong--

Guess I’ll try the alphabet song!

Blackberry Cobbler

Blackberry cobbler, hot from the oven!

Make a straight line, no pushin’, no shovin’.

Hands to yourself, and keep it quiet,

Then (munch) I will let you try it!

Let it sit and cool now, wait your turn.

Nobody wants a cobbler burn!

Flaky, golden--wait one minute!

Then (crunch) we can all begin it!

Go and get the ice cream, get the dishes.

Look where the filling squirts and squishes!

Bubbly, juicy, hot, and sweet!

Now (slurp) it is time to eat!

One berry each for you and you,

You’ve been really good today--take two!

And that’s all the cobbler that we’ve got--

I guess I didn’t make (burp) a lot!