Happy Ending

Cinderella wanted to be happy evermore;

She called and placed an order at the Magic Helper Store.

They sent a Fairy Godfather to chase away her blues.

He made the girl an offer that she couldn’t quite refuse.

He said, “You’re feeling down, and that’s a problem I can solve.”

He told the princess, “Cindy, dear, you need to de-evolve.”

He raised his magic wand, there were some magic words he said,

Then brought the magic down on top of Cindy’s royal head.

He made her a gorilla with a big old ripe banana,

Then made himself a monkey with a crown-shaped red bandana.

So Cindorilla ran off with her brand-new monkey prince.

They swing and play and groom each other—happy ever since.

Career Day

Today we had career day.

That’s a special day, you see,

Where everybody tries to pick

The job that they should be.

A doctor showed us how to look

Inside a patient’s throat.

A captain showed us fishing nets

And how to steer a boat.

A mailman showed the quickest way

To make the doorbell chime.

A pale man talked for hours

About how to be a mime.

A lady with a tiger showed us

What you shouldn’t do

If animals get angry

While you’re working at the zoo.

A chef showed off a recipe,

A farmer showed her crops.

The janitor came out

And showed us how to clean the mops.

I sat and listened quietly,

I paid such good attention,

Yet never heard the job I want

Get even half a mention!

My dream job, the ideal career

I’d love forevermore—

Just dancing in a chicken suit

Outside the grocery store!

Bobby's Backyard Taco Stand

Come to Bobby’s Taco Stand,

The Greatest Tacos in the Land!

The shell’s a crispy crunchy treat,

The inside is all stuffed with meat!

The tangy taste just can’t be topped--

Just half-price for the one I dropped!

Come grab a taco, while they last,

They’re disappearing awfully fast.

You’ll beg for more before you’re done,

Just ask my dog--he licked each one!

Youcan the Toucan

He flies through the jungle repeating one word—

It’s Youcan the Toucan, a fabulous bird!

He doesn’t hawk cereal, that’s not his game;

Just flies through the jungle repeating his name.

And oh how he shouts it, the heights that he reaches,

When called on to give motivational speeches.

“YouCAN!” he calls out as the rainforest glistens.

“YouCAN!” he shrieks loudly—but nobody listens!

First I-Know the Rhino he spots from up higher.

He swoops down to greet him and tries to inspire.

“YouCAN!” squawks the Toucan; “I Know” says his friend.

It's how their talk starts, and it’s how it will end.

Next Youcan discovers old Later the Gator,

A cranky old swamp-dwelling procrastinator.

“YouCAN!” the bird tells him; the gator delays.

He grumbles “Uh, Later,” his favorite phrase.

So Youcan flies off, just a little dejected,

He’s trying to help, but he’s always rejected!

And though he is sure it will all go the same,

He flies down to talk to the owl with no name.

“YouCAN?” he asks meekly, unsure if it’s true.

The owl thinks it over, then answers him: “WHO?”

“YOUcan!” squawks the Toucan, “YOUcan!” the bird bleats,

But the owl just asks “WHO?” and the cycle repeats.

And so they’re still there, in their high-perched location,

Continuing on in their one conversation.

Just Youcan the Toucan and no-named old owl

Inspiring each other, in fair times or fowl.

Nobody Likes Me

Nobody likes me,

They say I’m no good.

I didn’t turn out

Quite the way that I should.

Nobody likes me,

I just don’t know why.

I told them they would

If they gave me a try.

But nobody likes me,

It isn’t my fault.

The chef really shouldn’t

Have used so much salt.

Almost Perfect

My cookie is too chocolatey, it’s got one chip too many.

My piggy bank’s too fat because it has an extra penny.

My snowman has one extra coal-black button on his front,

And I could do with one less clue in every treasure-hunt.

I love my freckles, all except the third one from the right.

And don’t you feel there’s one too many stars out in the night?

I like this poem pretty well, I hope you think it’s fine.

But, I don’t know, it might be better with just one less line.

That would be perfect.

Wheel of PANTS!

Come on down and take a chance, 

Spin the Magic Wheel of Pants! 

Jeans and trousers, cut-off shorts, 

Pants for work and pants for sports. 

Blue pants, red pants, black or green, 

Some are dirty, most are clean. 

Pants for girls and pants for boys, 

Khakis, slacks, and corduroys. 

Boxer shorts and bathing trunks, 

Torn and tattered pants for punks! 

Even a pajama bottom— 

Name your pants, I’m sure we’ve got ’em! 

Stacks of super pantsy prizes. 

Even one or two surprises! 

Step right up and spin the wheel! 

Just two dollars—what a deal!   

You, sir!  Yes, step right this way! 

This may be your lucky day! 

Drop your dollars in the bin, 

And give the wheel a mighty spin! 

Round and round the Pants Wheel goes, 

A blur of fabric ’til it slows. 

Speeding past the tailored slacks, 

One or two last clicks and clacks, 

Then finally it stops in place— 

Oh no, you’ve hit the empty space! 

Sorry, sir, that means you lost. 

Not so fast, sir—there’s a cost! 

I played fair, you had your spin, 

But when you lose, it means I win! 

You played the game, you took your chance, 

But rules are rules—I keep your pants.  

The Workshop

Are you lonely?  Need some pals? 

Bored with your stuffed animals? 

Come on down to Chargem Mall— 

Our plush workshop's got it all!   

Choose your color, choose your style, 

Soft and mean, or sweet and vile. 

Grab some eyeballs, two or three, 

How 'bout seven—heck, they're free!   

Try out several shapes of paws 

Capped with talons, nails, or claws. 

For its hair, there's bugs or bows, 

Choose your ears and pick your nose!   

Then it's time to add a voice, 

Let us pick, or take your choice. 

Barks or moos or poem verses, 

Or just random screams and curses.   

Fill it up with fluff and dreams 

'Til it's popping at the seams. 

Top it off with hats or slippers 

Or a pair of scuba flippers.   

And before your work is done, 

Three more eyeballs (just for fun). 

Then go laugh and dance and sing 

With your brand new Build-A- . . . thing.

Paint a Dinosaur

I want to paint a dinosaur, 

It's not too hard, I think. 

I'll go and find an herbivore 

And paint her blue and pink.

And she will be the prettiest 

The world has ever seen. 

Especially if I sprinkle her 

With flecks of forest green.

And when I'm finished coloring, 

I'll keep her in my room. 

And she will be a mine-o-saur 

Who makes the flowers bloom.

And if somebody doesn't think 

Her colors look quite right, 

I'll gently ask my dinosaur 

To squash him just for spite.

Super-Buggie-Girl!

Swooping down above the sidewalk, quick to offer aid, 

Helping every insect who’s in danger or afraid, 

Freeing captive caterpillars, guiding wayward slugs, 

Super-Buggie-Girl is quite a hero to the bugs.

Though she seems mild-mannered, all her strengths and powers double 

If she should spy a crawly critter trapped in toil or trouble. 

Marvel as she catches bees and sets them free outside! 

Wonder as she coaxes ants to leave the playground slide!

Ladybugs stuck in the attic on a summer’s day 

Find themselves collected and sent sweetly on their way. 

Worms trapped on the sidewalk as the rains pour down above 

Sigh as they’re transported to the grass with care and love.

Some might think her deeds are minor, her heroics small, 

But bugs like me are grateful that she looks out for us all.

Nicknames

My mommy calls me Tiger, 

And my daddy calls me Sport. 

My uncle calls me Slugger, 

And my aunt just calls me short.   

My neighbor calls me Munchkin, 

And my sis calls me The Brain. 

The mailman says, “Hey Kiddo!” 

To my brother, I’m The Pain.   

My teacher calls me Buster, 

My bus driver calls me Pal. 

My bully calls me Betty, 

But his buddy calls me Al.   

But if you ever meet me, 

Or if I should chance to see ya, 

I hope you’ll use my real name 

Which is . . . I have no idea.

The Umbrella Man

Deep in the jungle where nobody goes, 

Where the rain can stack up to the tip of your nose, 

Lives the lonely umbrella man, hoping each day 

That a couple of customers wander his way.   

No one knows how he got there or how come he stays, 

But he twirls his umbrellas and passes his days 

In the hopes that somebody--some lady or fella-- 

Will chance to pass by him and buy an umbrella.   

Perhaps he'd do better to offer bananas, 

Since all of the locals are chimps and their Nanas. 

Umbrellas, however, are simply his passion, 

For rain or for sun or for fun or for fashion.   

And even if not one umbrella gets sold, 

He'll stick with umbrellas until he grows old.   

So if you admire his true dedication, 

Then drop what you're doing and plan your vacation. 

Just leave your umbrella back home, I propose, 

And come to the jungle where nobody goes.

Rapunzel

High in a tower, a princess was kept; 

Her legend was known through the town. 

One night, to her prison a handsome prince crept 

To ask her to let her hair down.   

“Rapunzel, Rapunzel, please let down your hair,” 

The charming prince called from the ground, 

Then peered up as high as his peepers could stare 

As two massive pigtails unwound.   

He took a deep breath and he got a good grip, 

Then started his treacherous climb. 

Barely half a foot up, though, he felt his hand slip 

On a patch of grease, dandruff, and grime.   

“Holy cow!” yelled the prince as he fell to the dirt, 

“Climbing hair’s harder work than I thought!” 

But he rolled up his sleeves, rubbed his back where he hurt, 

And then back up the pigtails he fought.   

Three feet up, he got used to the dandruff and grease, 

No reason to grumble or grouse, 

But then, when he thought that his troubles would cease, 

His finger was chomped by a mouse!   

“What the heck?!” yelled the prince as his fingertip bled, 

“No one said there’d be rampaging mice! 

I’m starting to wish I had just stayed in bed. 

Hey, could somebody get me some ice?”   

But since it was summer, and so long ago, 

And freezers are hard to invent, 

He sighed, sucked his finger, then groaned “Here we go . . .” 

And started once more his ascent.   

He gritted his teeth and he dodged all the mice, 

As he thought of the princess above. 

He lost track of counting at seventy lice— 

Not too much when you’re seeking true love.   

Then he jostled a nest tucked behind a wide curl 

And a bird pecked him right in the ear! 

Not to mention the shifty-eyed razor-toothed squirrel 

Who bit a big chunk from his rear!   

You or I might give up, but this prince?  Not a chance! 

He climbed to the top of the tower, 

Then brushed past the princess—no time for romance— 

Found a toolbox and built her a shower!   

Then he ran to the window and jumped back outside. 

He was gone for an hour or two. 

He returned with a jumbo-sized gift for his bride— 

A big bottle of “Ye Olde Shampoo.”   

“But what does it do, dear?” she asked of her prince, 

So brave and so handsome and sweet. 

“Just read it,” he snapped.  “First you lather, then rinse, 

Then REPEAT and REPEAT and REPEAT!!!”