Friday, July 18, 2014

The Fine Print

This coupon entitles the bearer to ice cream--
One single-dip-sugar-cone FREE!*

*This offer is limited, one to a customer,
No “coupon-back guarantee.”
Void where prohibited, void where illegal,
And void between ten and three-thirty.
Void if the coupon is copied or damaged
Or wrinkled or smelly or dirty.
The general manager at your location
May tell you the coupon’s declined.
If this is the case, fill out form seven-twenty,
And have it both witnessed and signed.
The offer of ice cream does not include toppings--
No sprinkles or peanuts or fudge,
No gummies or cookie crumbs, no little egg rolls,
And no swirls of “Mystery Sludge™”.
If there are no sugar cones, offer is canceled;
You can’t have a bowl or a waffle.
No chance of replacement if ice cream falls over,
But golly, that makes us feel awful!
There’s no guarantee you can pick your own flavor,
But trust us, we always choose well.
You’ll get “Nacho Madness” or “Barley EXPLOSION!”
(Whichever is hardest to sell).
No medical care or dry-cleaning is offered
If flavors may cause you to heave.
No loitering, lounging, or sitting at tables.
You get your free cone, and you leave.
If scoop size is greater than two-point-three inches
You may have to pay for a “Large.”**

**Free ice cream is subject to food tax and sales tax
And six-dollar handling charge.

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