ABC-Mart

Apples, pickles,

Blue popsicles,

Candy-coated ham.

Double-stuffin’

Eggplant muffins

Flattened into jam.

Gobs of dripping

Honey slipping

Into frozen peas.

Juice and cornflakes,

Ketchup cupcakes,

Loaded up with cheese.

Mashed potatoes,

Nuts, tomatoes,

Overturned with glee.

Punch is flowing,

Quickly going,

Running wild and free.

Salad dressing

Tipped and messing

Up the chocolate chips.

Very thickly,

Warm and trickly,

X-tra syrup drips.

You might choose to keep your groceries whole, not torn apart--

Zero chance for that, though, if you crash your shopping cart.

On The News

My class was on the news tonight! 

My face was on TV! 

My mom is hiding out of sight, 

But Dad’s so proud of me!   

My class was on the news tonight! 

It’s just a little weird. 

My grandma thinks it isn’t right, 

But Grandpa clapped and cheered!   

Why were we on the news tonight? 

I really shouldn’t mention. 

I’m pretty sure I’ll have to write 

About it in detention.

Just Desserts

I call my brother “shortcake,”

’Cause he isn’t very tall.

I also call him “pudding,”

’Cause he has no shape at all.

I used to call him “cookie”

Just to see if he would crumble.

I never call him “pie” because

He isn’t very humble.

I sometimes call him “fruitcake,”

’Cause he acts like such a nut.

And once I called him “sticky buns”

And kicked him in the butt!

I love to tease my brother

And to call him things to eat,

And—Hey! My brother bit me!

Well, I guess he’s not so sweet!

"Thanks, Santa!"

Santa brings presents, Santa brings toys,

Stockings all stuffed for the good girls and boys.

Candy, games, dollies, and pink piggy banks--

But when was the last time you told Santa “Thanks!” ?

Santa flies all night to bring you each gift.

No one relieves him, he works every shift.

Squeezing down chimneys and giving away

Everything that he can fit on his sleigh.

How many people, though, write him a card,

Just to say “Thank you for working so hard”?

Or stop in again at his chair in the mall

To tell him his gifts were the best ones of all?

This time, this December, this end-of-the-year,

Thank Santa for all of your Christmas-time cheer.

Or spread some yourself every day, better yet.

Perhaps that’s the best thanks dear Santa could get.

Piano Hero!

I got a brand new game today,

It plays on any system.

It rocks my world so many ways

That I can’t even list ’em!

It’s called “Piano Hero.”

Come and give my game a try!

Just hit the buttons as the

Music notes go flying by.

Just time it right and hit the buttons

Good and clear and strong.

Keep practicing this game until

You master every song.

The buttons, just to keep it real,

Are only black and white.

There’s also eighty-eight of them,

So keep your focus tight!

It’s such an awesome game to play,

And you will rock, I’m guessin’.

Just don’t forget to stop in time

For your piano lesson!

Extra Fizzy!

My soda’s extra fizzy!

What a splendid thing that is!

’Cause my day is extra busy,

And I really need the fizz!

The bubbles foam and crackle,

And they help me do my thing.

They make my belly cackle,

And they give me extra zing!

And all my chores go super-fast,

And everything gets done.

Back up, because I’m zooming past!

Take cover, everyone!

Oh everything improves a bit

With just a little soda.

But if I drink too much of it,

I think I might exploda!

Step Right Up!

Friends and neighbors, gather 'round!

Marvel at this man I found

Frozen here beneath the ice!

You may view him, for a price.

Just one dollar, gals and guys,

Lets you gaze with awe-struck eyes,

Taking in without a blink

This Amazing Missing Link!

Surely he, in days of yore,

Hunted on some ancient shore,

'Till the chill set in too fast,

Freezing him within the past.

Now this wonder, you’re in luck,

Can be yours for just a buck!

Step right up and take a chance.

Pay admission in advance.

Now prepare your fragile mind

For this most momentous find!

Stare into the iceman’s soul

Through his two black eyes of coal!

Mysteries and frosty charms

Linger in his twiggy arms!

Gaze in horror, curl your toes,

At his orange carrot-nose!

The surprise will knock you flat

When you spy his pipe and hat!

Feast your eyes, and feel the freeze!

And bring your friends--no refunds please!

Possum Posse

Deep inside the forest,

Where the trees are green and mossy,

Lives a pack of nighttime bandits called

The Awesome Possum Posse.

When the other critters fall asleep,

The Posse starts its day,

Finding every kind of mischief

That can pass the time away.

First they sneak into each burrow,

Then, to prove that they’re no slouches,

They steal every critter’s acorns up

And hide them in their pouches.

Then each night, beneath the shining moon—

I swear, it never fails—

They do flips between the treetops

With their fuzzy, flexy tails.

Oh the risks they take! The daring deeds!

They make the senses swoon!

They annoy each fussy owl,

But inspire each raccoon.

If you wish, one day, to join them,

If they’ve made your spirits blossom,

Better start your training early,

And be good at playing possum!

Toys

Teddy bear, teddy bear,

High on the shelf,

Why are you sitting there

All by yourself?

Racing car, racing car,

Under the bed,

Shift out of park and start

Racing instead!

Baby doll, baby doll,

Back in the drawer,

You are loved most of all,

Come out once more!

(Choo choo train, choo choo train,

Hid from the cat,

Safer if you remain

Back where you’re at.)

No More Christmas Music!

Enjoy this new Christmas song, written and recorded by yours truly!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7hDexXMCMMA

Eddie The Elf

Oh come hear the story

Of Eddie the Elf.

He cleans Santa’s stables out

All by himself.

There’s no songs about him,

No show’s that you’ll find

For the elf who sweeps up

What the deer leave behind.

He just grabs a shovel,

Holds onto his nose,

Then into the stable

He cheerfully goes.

He knows it’s disgusting,

He knows it’s no fun,

But he knows that it’s needed

And has to be done.

Without someone cleaning,

The team couldn’t fly.

They’d sit, so unstable,

All slouched in their sty.

But Eddie the Elf,

With his shovel in hand,

Ensures Christmas gladness

All over the land.

So this Christmas Eve,

Take a moment to pause

For the folks who clean up

After old Santa Claus.

You may never sing

Of a small elf named Eddie,

But chances are strong

That he’s helped you already.

Moving Day!

Hooray, hooray, it’s moving day!

I’ve waited all the year!

Today’s the day my missing stuff

Begins to reappear!

My Super-Robot-Troll-Invader,

Still inside the box!

At last, I finally found him

When I packed up all my socks!

And here’s that book that Grandma sent—

I thought that it was lost.

But there it was beneath the sofa,

Right where it was tossed!

And here’s my flashlight, here’s that shoe,

And here’s my cowboy hat!

My cars, my broken gum machine,

And look! I found the cat!

Oh I love moving day the most,

And all the joy it brings!

The longer we stay in one house,

The more I lose my things!

Happy Holidays!

Wrap the presents, tie the bows,

Watch the special Christmas shows.

Sing the carols, "Sleighbells Ring!"

Put some popcorn on a string.

Hang the stockings, trim the trees,

Help me bake these cookies, please.

Get the lights up, boil the yams,

Stuff the turkeys, bake the hams.

So much planning to remember . . .

Aren't you glad it's still September?

Leftovers

Leftover turkey and leftover rolls,
Leftover green beans in leftover bowls.
Leftover stuffing and leftover rice,
Leftover pumpkin pie, leftover spice.
Leftover cranberries, leftover breads,
Leftover cousins in leftover beds.
Leftovers stay over past when they should.
But not sweet potatoes--I ate them up good!

Pickle-ish

I'm feeling very pickle-ish.
I've been this way all day!
And I'm not sure exactly what
Has made me feel this way!

I started fine, but now I'm green
And just a little lumpy.
And all the briny saltiness
Has made me extra grumpy.

I once was sweet, but now I'm sour.
It makes me rather ill.
Oh why must I be pickle-ish?
Come on now, what's the dill?

Your Self

Playground friends may come and go,

Pets may run away,

Teddy bears may venture outward

On their own someday.

Even favorite books may one day

Vanish from the shelf,

But you can be sure of this--

You’ll never lose your self.

From the day that you were born,

’Til all your future time,

On every ocean that you sail

Or mountain that you climb,

Your self will be there with you,

A companion and a friend,

To cheer you on and guide you

From beginning to the end.

In times of laughing, times of sadness,

Times of desperate doubt,

Pay close attention to your self--

It always sorts things out.

So trust your self and love your self,

You’ll find that if you do,

A lot of other people

May begin to love you too.

School Play

I’m going to a play tonight! 

My friend said that it’s out of sight! 

I sure hope that my friend is right— 

It costs eleven dollars!   

Now here I am, I’m at the play. 

My friends from school rehearsed all day! 

They learned exactly what to say, 

The whispers and the hollers.   

My friend said that the songs are good, 

And each kid in the neighborhood 

Learned all his lines just like he should, 

’Til every scene was tight.   

If only they had got someone 

To make sure that the lights were run, 

It would have been a lot more fun! 

It sure was out of sight!

The Man of Many Hats

I am The Man of Many Hats. 

I sell them in my shop. 

Just drop on in—I’m sure there’s one 

That’s perfect for your top!    

If you have got a favorite team, 

I’ve got the cap for you. 

Or buy them all to wear at once 

If any team will do.   

A red hat for a fireman, 

A cowgirl hat beside it, 

A black silk top hat with a tiny 

Bunny tucked inside it.   

There’s straw hats and adventure hats, 

And beanies with propellers. 

A thinking cap for algebra, 

And one for crummy splelers!   

This hat looks like a dragon’s tail, 

This one’s a rhino’s horn. 

This hat looks like the cutest 

Baby monkey ever born!   

This hat comes with a mini-fridge 

To keep your sandwich cold, 

And this one has a coffee maker— 

Mild, or extra bold?   

There’s top hats, elf hats, French berets, 

A jester hat, a bonnet, 

And one gigantic green one 

With a smiley face upon it.   

So come on down and try one on, 

And if you like it, take it! 

With oh so many hats to choose, 

Your head should not go naked!

Book Report

I have to write a book report,

The teacher said I should.

You know it really ain’t the sort

Of thing what I do good.

I do real good at breakin’ stuff

An’ eatin’ my dessert.

An’ I’m the king of playin’ rough

An’ fightin’ in the dirt.

But books is for dem other guys

Who stay inside and read.

Dey wear dose glasses on dere eyes

And watch dere noses bleed.

But if I gotta study some

I guess I better do it.

I’ll show dem all I ain’t so dumb.

No problem--nothin’ to it!

“I really really really really

Really like dis book.

I’m very very very very

Glad I took a look.

“Of both my books, dis book has been

The best book what I gots.

It was real fun to color in

And then connect the dots.”

Pet Parade!

We had a pet parade today,

It really was so neat!

My friends and all their animals

Marched up and down the street!

First Bobby McFurtle brought out his pet chicken,

And Clarence O’Flicken showed off his pet llama.

Then Lizzy Obama fed grapes to her lizard,

And Marlee McBlizzard jumped rope with her lemur.

Then Dominick Femur did tricks with his rhino,

And Sam Durndifyno swam laps with her orca.

My pal Peter Porka convinced his pet spider

To dance with Ken Krider and his brontosaurus.

At last, Billy Boris with his pet okapi,

Marched on with Sue Sloppy and her tiny turtle.

It really was a sight to see!

I watched it with my pup,

Then ran away, quick as could be—

No WAY I’m cleaning up!

My Wish

If I had a little magic,

Or a single super power,

I would make my little sister

Take a shorter, quicker shower!

’Cause I have to go so bad,

And she’s been in there for an hour!

Dress Mess

There's nougat on my nicest shirt

And toffee on my tie,

That's chocolate there, it isn't dirt

That stained my sock supply.

This blobby ball of bluish goo

Resembles jelly beans.

I wonder how it got into

The pocket of my jeans.

I think this was a gummi fish,

And this might be a mint.

This red thing could be licorice

Beneath a lot of lint.

There's peanut butter on my pants

And ice cream on my vest.

I don't suppose I have a chance

Of ever getting dressed!

Whoever thought it might be good

To launder every sweet

Must not have fully understood

"Wash up before you eat."

Best If Read By...

This poem is expiring,

It’s starting to go bad.

The jokes are old, the rhymes are cold,

Its best days have been had.

It once was fresh and interesting,

With witty words galore,

But now it’s gone all moldy

Like a cheesy metaphor.

Where once were puns, there now are nones,

Where lines were tight, they sag.

The rhythm’s gone all bloated,

Like a big old inflated grocery store plastic bag.

And even rhymes that once were sharp

Have gone all forced and dull,

Just like the horns that still adorn

A worn-out, tired bull.

Oh read this poem quickly

While it’s still a bit inspired.

Oh please don’t wait—oh no, too late!

This poem just went bad.

Fashion Police

Oh please don’t wear your underpants

Where everyone can see ’em.

For if you do, I’ll take them to

The nearest art museum.

And right beside a sculpture

From the second century,

Your underpants will hang, stretched out

For everyone to see.

And even if they’re dirty,

Or in very bad condition,

I’ll keep them on display,

And charge a dollar for admission.

So keep them tucked down in your pants,

Be grateful that you’ve got ’em.

They’re not for show, I hope you know.

They’re there to hide your bottom!

Collect Them All!

When the lights came in my window

And the ground beneath me shook,

I’ll admit that I was nervous,

And I didn’t want to look.

When they beamed me to their spaceship

In the middle of the night,

I was slightly more than nervous--

I was paralyzed with fright!

When they tossed me to one side

Between some boxes and some jars,

And they hit the gas and headed back

To race between the stars,

Then I started to be curious

And wonder for a while.

Why on Earth would they come take me

Just to toss me in a pile?

So I peeked inside the boxes,

And undid a lid or three.

What I found was most surprising--

There was nothing else like me!

First a feathered Martian poodle

Licked me with its spiky tongue,

Then I chanced to meet a rainbow bee

Who whistled while he stung.

Then a purple pickled pepper

And a three-winged jumbo bat,

Plus a tree that grew spaghetti

And an average-looking cat.

There were napkin holders, magazines,

Some powdered beverage mix,

And the headline from a paper:

“Korkon Captures Xanthor Six!”

Then at last I came to figure out

The nature of this stunt--

This was not a real abduction,

But a space scavenger hunt!

I was just a random item,

Nothing special, nothing great,

Just a knick-knack or a doo-dad,

Like a “Sports Collectors’ Plate.”

I might never see my house again,

Or even Planet Earth,

Just to help some Martians win a prize

Of questionable worth.

Now I sit beside a trophy

And some old tortilla chips

In the closet of a dorm room

On the largest of their ships.

If I squint and stare into the stars

I might make out Earth’s Sun.

It’s so far away and tiny . . .

What the heck--at least we won!