They gave awards at school today
For everyone to see,
And everybody came away
With one—except for me.
First Julie got "Best Attitude,"
Then Brandon took "Best Smile."
Mackenzie swept "Most Crass and Crude,"
And Timmy won "Most Vile."
The whole jazz band won "Best Jazz Band,"
The drummer won "Best Drummer."
Then Andy picked up "Smartest" and
"Most Likely to Get Dumber."
Throughout the day the stage was crossed
By every kid in school.
Except for me—I even lost
The trophy for "Least Cool."
Then at the end I hung my head
And started out the door,
Until my teacher called instead,
"Hold on--we've got one more!"
The lights dimmed low, the spotlight shone,
They played momentous chords,
Then dragged me up there on my own
To win for "Least Awards"!
I felt so happy through and through,
They handed me a plaque.
Then, since it was no longer true,
They made me give it back.