Yoo-hoo!

Yoo-hoo!

Come to the zoo!

See all the chimps and the elephants too!

Hey there!

Come to the fair!

Bring the fried pies on the rides if you dare!

Hi ho!

Come to the show!

Gaze at the stage from the very front row!

Whoa now!

No way, no how!

Not going out 'til your pants are on. Wow.

Alligator Gladiator

Frogs and fishies everywhere,

From waters far and near.

Welcome to the Aquadome!

The Battle of the Year!

In this stream swims the challenger,

The aptly named Doc Croc.

He'll send you home in stitches

If you tumble off the dock.

And in this stream, the champion--

Give cheers for Captain Caiman!

He claws, he yanks, he's climbed the ranks

Of maulin' and of maimin'!

Get ready for the main event!

A brawl to rock the shores!

A mighty Reptile Rumble

With these Angry Archosaurs!

Oh wait--it seems our challenger

Has chomped the leading judge.

She scored him low the last time,

And it seems he held a grudge.

I guess we'll have to put it off

And have the battle later.

But check that smilin' crocodile--

He sure looks glad 'e ate 'er!

A Poem for Kermit

Last week Joyce and I got to attend a very special event where we saw--live, in person--the one and only Kermit the Frog! After the show, I sent a poem backstage for him. I hope he liked it!

You can read all about it here:

http://themuppetmindset.blogspot.com/2011/07/evening-with-steve-whitmire-and-kermit.html

A Poem for Kermit

Oh froggie! My froggie! Best friend through the years!
With eyes so ping-pongy and white!
The greatest amphibian, top of your peers!
A flippy green froggy delight!

Backstage at the show, or at home in the bog—
Your "pad," or whatever you term it—
There's no cat as cool as this fine famous frog:
The one irreplaceable Kermit!

Although you have flippers, you're unflappable—
Though sometimes you break down and holler.
Your sweet, even temper becomes snappable
When Piggy gets under your collar!

Yet still, you're as sweet as a lime jelly bean!
You're wise, introspective, yet breezy.
I don't know how tough it might be, bein' green,
But Kermit sure makes it look easy!

Fuzzy Wuzzy

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear,

Until they made him shave.

Turns out, with no facial hair,

He’s just some guy named Dave.

Stinky Winky was a skunk,

Until they made him shower.

With no foul and fetid funk,

He lost his special power.

Shockey Wockey was an eel,

His spark for life abounded.

’Til they made him power down—

And now he’s grim and grounded.

So go be fuzzy, go be stinky

Go be shocking, too!

Go be loud and kooky-crazy!

Go on and be YOU!

The Summit

Here at the summit it’s frosty and clear—

I am on top of it all!

This is the life for a true mountaineer,

Perched thirty thousand feet tall!

Look at the landscape—it’s tiny below!

Worries are lost in the breeze.

Each tiny moment goes by super slow,

Here up above the tall trees.

Nothing to bother me, nothing annoys,

My isolation’s complete.

Just a few frisbees and footballs and toys

Gathered around by my feet.

Off in the distance I hear a voice call,

“Inside!” it says, then starts countin’.

Oh climbing the roof was no trouble at all,

But it just might be tricky dis-mountain!

They Said

They said I was an airhead, that I was a bit insane.

I’d like to think, instead, I have a pinwheel for a brain.

And when the whistling wind seeks out my ears beneath my curls,

My brain spins all its colors as it swirls and twirls and squirrels.

They said I was bananas, that I was a little nutty.

I said, “Well, that’s a recipe for perfect muffins, buddy!

And while we’re in the kitchen, while we wait for them to bake,

You’ll see I’m sly as pumpkin pie, as cracked as crazy-cake!”

They said my mind’s in orbit, that I’m such a space cadet.

And in reply I tried to fly, then sighed and said “Not yet…”

But someday I will dance on stars and then, for what it’s worth,

I’ll send a postcard back from Mars to little them on Earth.

They said I’m strange, they said I’m odd, a windmill-tilting knight.

They said I’m weird and so bizarre—I’m proud to say they’re right!

Dear Diary

Dear Diary, I met this boy.

He's cute as cute can be.

I really really like him,

And I think he's into me!

He's got the most amazing eyes!

They're huge, and how they glitter!

The way he won't stop staring

Sets my heartbeat all a-twitter!

He's captain of the swim team—

Or he could be, if he tried.

His flippy feet propel him

With a gentle, graceful glide.

He's serious, not like those boys

Who always crack a joke.

He rarely says a thing at all,

Just sighs a little "croak."

His skin is sleek and shiny—

It's the smoothest that I've seen.

And such a pretty color, too!

A lovely shade of green!

Oh someday I will make him mine!

My love he can't resist!

(I hope this turns out better than

Those other frogs I kissed!)

Listen

It's quiet in the woods tonight, 

A stillness chills the air.  

The wind is hushed, the moon is bright, 

There's silence everywhere. 

No rustling leaves, no chirping birds, 

No quacking of the ducks.  

No "Howl," no "Who," no other words, 

No squirrelly little clucks. 

But if you just keep listening, 

And if you're really quiet, 

You'll hear the starlight glistening. 

So go ahead, and try it. 

Just turn your ears up to the sky 

And breathe a little slower.  

It starts like chimes from up on high, 

Then sighs, and spreads out lower. 

And pretty soon the world around 

Is strumming like guitars.  

The trees, the roots, the air, the ground 

Are humming with the stars. 

So let your worries all disperse, 

And join them for a while.  

Just listen to the universe, 

And close your eyes, and smile. 

Teacher's Round

Rows, rows, fix those rows!

Straighten out your chairs!

Quietly, quietly, quietly, quietly!

There's a class downstairs!

Quiz, quiz, take your quiz!

Books beneath your seat!

Keep your eyes in front of you!

Only cheaters cheat!

Hands, hands, raise your hands!

Always wait your turn!

Listen when I talk to you!

Don't you want to learn?

Grades, grades, check your grades!

Last day of the year!

Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily!

Summertime is here!

I Looked

I looked on the shelves and I looked on the floor.

I looked in the place where I had it before.

I looked in the crannies, I looked in each nook.

I looked in the back of a scratch-and-sniff book.

I looked in the car, in the house, in the park.

I looked where the demon trees glow in the dark.

I looked on the moon and I looked in the stars,

I looked in a field of electric guitars.

I looked in some places I oughtn’t to mention,

I looked in a fish from another dimension.

And then, once again, though I’d looked there already,

I looked on the Mountain of Mango Spaghetti.

I looked and I looked and I looked and I looked!

I looked ’til the universe almost unhooked!

I might look forever! It’s so hard to find!

How careless of me to keep losing my mind!

Can I Keep Him?

Oh please can I keep him?

He followed me home!

I’ll wash him, I’ll feed him,

I won’t let him roam!

I’ll make him a bed,

And I’ll clean out his bowl.

Oh please, let me keep him—

My baby Black Hole!

He won’t make a problem,

He won’t make a mess,

He won’t cause more clutter—

In fact, he’ll cause less!

Whatever you feed him,

He’ll never get full—

He’s got such a strong

Irresistible pull!

He won’t share your secrets,

However surprisin’—

They won’t travel on from

His event horizon.

He’ll keep me from sunburns!

He’ll eat every ray!

You’ll save on my sunscreen!

Oh please, can he stay?

You’ll try to resist him

To not let me win,

But look at this cutie—

He just draws you in!

My baby Black Hole

Gives me such satisfaction.

Just step a bit closer—

You’ll feel the attraction!

Errand Errors

I ordered an extra-large smoothie—

That’s not what I ought to have said!

The barber just smiled, let his clippers go wild,

And shaved all the hair off my head!

I went to the juice shop much later.

I said, “Just a bit off the top.”

The juice guy, alas, drank from everyone’s glass,

And no one could get him to stop!

The next place I went was no better—

I said, “Do a balance check, please.”

It took no repeating—the baker stopped kneading

And knocked me right down to my knees!

“Put some dough in a bag,” at the next place.

I swear that I didn’t mean harm!

I just wanted bread—that’s the next thing I said!

But the bank teller hit the alarm!

And that is what happened, your honor!

It’s just like I told the reporter!

I’ve learned a big lesson—the next time, I’m guessin’

I’ll run all my errands in order!

Fancy Pants

I'm putting on my fancy pants—

They’re special as can be!

Oh no one else has pants that are

Quite like the ones on me!

My fancy pants are purple,

My fancy pants have stripes.

My pants have lots more buttons

Than the plain non-fancy types.

The buttons go right down the front.

I counted them—there’s eight!

They button in a row, and so

The closing part stays straight.

The pocket flaps are upside-down—

They’re just for decoration.

But still, I love my fancy pants!

A fashion celebration!

I’m just a bit confused, though,

By the big hole for my bottom.

It seems to have a collar, too.

I wonder why it’s got ’em?

I’ll go and ask my friend next door—

I guess it couldn’t hurt.

I just adore my fancy pants!

Has someone seen my shirt?

Riddle

What has a mouth, but cannot speak? 

What has four wheels and flies? 

What has a dish, but never eats? 

A bed, but never lies?   

What walks upon all fours at night 

But walks on five at noon? 

What sparkles in the summer sun 

And shimmers ’neath the moon?   

What’s old today but young tomorrow? 

What’s both clean and dirty? 

What is lighter than the breeze, 

But solid, strong, and sturdy?   

What smells a lot but has no nose? 

What’s eyeless, but can see? 

What’s conquering your planet now? 

You guessed them all—it’s me!

Enough

Billy’s sideburns were too long, 

So he got the trimmers. 

Now his head is shiny-smooth! 

It glows and glints and glimmers!   

Susie’s salad was too bland, 

So she got some dressing. 

Now’s she’s got a bowl of soup— 

It’s really quite depressing!   

Katie’s guppy was too small, 

So she overfed it. 

Now she’s got a mega-shark! 

Would someone care to pet it?   

Joey’s music was too quiet, 

So he turned it louder. 

Now his walls are shaking, 

And they’re crumbling into powder!   

Andy’s poem was too long, 

It bothered all his friends. 

So he just stopped writing it, 

And now it never      

Smell-o-Vision™

My brand new television set

Is quite a revelation.

It’s got built-in Surround Smell™!

Every day’s a smellebration!

The cooking shows are fabulous—

Aromas waft with ease.

The sizzling scent of tacos

With a whiff of nacho cheese!

The travel network’s beaches smell

Just like a tropic ocean—

They’re salty, fresh, and fishy

With a touch of suntan lotion.

The game shows smell like hair gel,

And the talk shows smell like coffee.

That show with running lifeguards smells

A little Hasselhoffy.

Just sniff the science fiction shows—

They smell like outer space!

If you hook up your web cam,

Why, it smells just like your face!

I learned my lesson yesterday—

Steer clear of channel seven!

The Rotting Garbage Network

Stunk my house to highest heaven!

And don’t watch sports unless you like

The smell of dirt and sweat.

I haven’t dared to channel surf

The Wildlife Channel . . . yet.

But mostly I’ve been pleased as punch.

No TV could be greater!

So clear your nose and watch with me.

You’re busy? Smell ya later!

Lecture

Clean your room up! Don’t be rude!

Don’t give me that attitude!

No more hitting! Sit up straight!

Don’t move ’til you’ve cleaned your plate!

Do your homework! Do your chores!

Don’t you dare to slam the doors!

Keep the noise down! Stop that wailing!

No more pointless tattle-taling!

Listen when I talk to you!

And don’t tell people what to do!

My Dog's Mind

Someone rang the doorbell! 

A squirrel is at the park! 

I think I smell some hair gel! 

I guess I’ll have to BARK!   

A dog is on the TV! 

The yard is way too dark! 

A kitty looked right at me! 

Looks like I’ve got to BARK!   

The sky’s a bit too starry! 

The light bulb made a spark! 

Well, better safe than sorry— 

Here comes another BARK!   

Some carolers are singing! 

The herald angels!  Hark! 

Well, here is what I’m bringing— 

Glad tidings with a BARK!   

My barks are loud and leaping, 

In fair times or in fowl. 

But now that you are sleeping, 

I think it’s time to HOOWWWWL!

Fill in the Blank!

Oh once there was (fill in the blank)

Who came from outer space.

He (blanked) on a banana peel

And fell down on his (blank).

 

The other (blanks) all tried to help—

They gathered all around.

They chanted, “Buddy!  (Blank) back up!

Don’t lie there on the (blank)!

 

The (blank) felt so encouraged

That he got back up again.

He (blanked) his spaceship up above

The little greenish (blank).

 

He (blanked) a message down to them—

Each one, he hoped to thank.

But sadly, no more words came out—

He simply drew a (blank).

A Pun-ishing Picnic

I went down to the beach today

To run and swim and build and play,

But mostly what I went there for

Was just to picnic by the shore.

My friend said she would meet me there,

And lots of snackins we would share.

But somehow she forgot the food!

Her mental note had come unglued!

“Dear friend,” said I, “do not despair!”

I flopped down on the sand right there.

I waved my arms and legs just so,

Like making angels in the snow.

I rose to see what I had done,

Then fell to make another one.

I drew each friend a pointy hat,

And no, I did not stop at that!

I drew for each a broom to ride,

Then drew a tuba by her side.

And then I rubbed the tuba out

And drew each witch a frowny pout.

“My friend,” said I, “my work is done!

Our picnic time has just begun!

Although we have no chips or cheese,

No melon balls or lemon-freeze,

No burgers, shakes, or curly fries,

No cookies, cakes, or whoopee pies,

It seems we still have all we need

We’ll have our picnic, yes indeed!

We’ll sit down where the sand itches

With tuba-lonely sand-witches!”

April Fool!

I’m planning out the perfect pranks

To play for April Fools!

The only day I get away

With breaking all the rules!

I’ve gift-wrapped every piece of fruit.

I’ve shorted every sheet.

I’ve done some things I shouldn’t mention

To the toilet seat.

I’ve hidden grandpa’s dentures

In my brother’s underwear.

My frog’s in Dad’s new briefcase,

I put sour cream . . . somewhere.

I pulled out the elastic from

My grandma’s favorite girdle.

I hope Mom likes her Lemon-milk—

It’s just begun to curdle!

And, just because it’s April Fools,

I crammed the riding mower

With all my week-old bubble-gum—

A garden bubble blower!

I never get in trouble!

It’s my favorite day each year!

What? April Fools was yesterday?!

I’m getting out of here!

Four Leaf Clover

I have a four leaf clover!
I found it in my yard.
I looked straight down, and there it was!
(I didn't look too hard).

I must be really lucky!
They say they're hard to find.
Of all the clovers, four-leafs are
The hard-to-findest kind!

A perfect four leaf clover,
Just sitting on the soil.
So small and green and rarely seen,
Wrapped up in shiny foil!

And when I pull the foil back,
It's chocolatey inside!
My lucky clover makes my day
Four times more yummified!

My luck is really something!
A magic trait, it's true.
Let's hope that if I find some gold,
There's candy in that too!

Pageant

Rusty's Steakhouse! Come on down!
Try the finest steak in town!
While you're eating, don't you budge!
You can be a pageant judge!
Once a year we take a break
And crown our very own Miss Steak!
She must be tender, never tough.
Slightly plump is lean enough.
Interviews are never wasteful--
Juicy questions, yes, but tasteful.
Sure, we grill them to a T,
But character's a must, you see!
Okay if she's slightly saucy,
Just so long as she's not bossy.
When we're done, we crown the winner.
Then you finish off your dinner.
Some will protest that we treat
All these girls like hunks of meat.
We still feel we're playing fair--
These complaints are extra-rare.
After all, it's all good fun,
And the whole thing's so well-done!
So come to Rusty's, by the lake,
Where pageants are a big Miss Steak.

The Great Gusto!

See the Great Gusto! 

Come to the show! 

Feats to amaze you 

And make you say “Whoa!”   

She how he swooshes 

His long flowing cloak! 

Watch as his sleeves produce 

Gallons of smoke!   

Oh how his wand waves! 

It swishes and flicks 

As the Great Gusto 

Attempts all his tricks!   

He squinches his eyebrows! 

His fingers, he twitches! 

He mutters a language 

Known only to witches!   

His eyes lose their focus! 

He trembles and quakes! 

His legs start to jitter! 

His everything shakes!   

He calls on the spirits 

To come to the stage! 

He throws his black cloak 

On a bird in a cage,   

Then—ALAKAZAM! 

There’s a spark and a flash, 

But all that has vanished 

Is some of your cash.   

The tickets are pricey, 

They’ll never refund you, 

But still, the Great Gusto 

Has secretly stunned you!   

He can’t disappear you, 

He can’t find your card, 

But wow!  That Great Gusto— 

He sure does try hard!

Singing Day!

It’s Singing Day!  Hooray!  Hooray!

It comes just once a year. 

That holiday when things you say 

Sound better to your ear!   

When every thought inside your brain 

Becomes a singing session. 

When normal folks become insane 

With musical expression!   

Sing up!  Sing out!  Sing low!  Sing high! 

Sing everything you’re doing! 

Sing to the birdies in the sky! 

Sing to the cow that’s mooing!   

Sing songs to all your friends and foes, 

Sing to some strangers, too. 

Sing to your teensy little toes! 

Pretend they sing to you!   

If you run out of songs to sing, 

Just open up your ears. 

The wind, the trees, most everything 

Has songs to sing for years!   

They’re singing up and down the street— 

Go on and take a chance! 

But don’t forget to rest your feet— 

Next week’s the Day of Dance!